August 15, 2018

Good news. Not related to my grief, unfortunately. That kind of good news would have me ignoring this blog and shouting from the rooftop.

The good news is related to the job search. Though I have spent more time since the interview worrying about whether it’s the right fit or not than celebrating, I have actually at least theoretically gotten a second interview at a job that might be a great next step. I know that “good news” sounded muddled in not good news and confusing language but that is because I AM CONFUSED.

In short, good news: had a successful interview that should supposedly result in a second interview. And I KNOW that to most people that doesn’t even sound like good news. But when you work in television, opportunities are few and far between, so I will take at least the second interview while I decide. I should say now that I haven’t given that enough weight. It IS exciting. As for the rest of it, it’s not exactly the job I want and the upward mobility isn’t exactly on the path I’d even want to be on but it’s money and it’s a job and it’s in TV and the show is interesting soooooooooo. I don’t know. But those seem like good things.

I don’t get to celebrate all that often, so I will take it. Side note – I spent the entire day in pajamas interacting with no other humans so that might be the real win for today.

Day 66 – Somewhat(?) Good News

August 4, 2018

Sometimes I feel like I put effort into things that other people treat like a whatever, bro, no worries type situation and they generally turn out to be correct. I work hard at something or I worry about making sure I’m on time, fulfil my responsibilities, honor my commitments, do the work, and truly give it my all when other people are just, like, I’ll do it later if I remember and then they don’t and THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES.

None. None consequences. But I don’t know any other way to be. I don’t know how to be un-committed to things or chill about literally anything or do half-ass work and not completely stress and lose sleep over it when other people seem to have NO ANXIETY WHATSOEVER about these things and they are no worse off for it. BUT I HAVE NO CHILL. NONE. I was taught that it matters in school and in life that you give it your all 100% of the time, when, in actuality, it seems like it doesn’t much matter and those people get just as far IF NOT MUCH, MUCH FARTHER in life without that same level of responsibility and work ethic.

I always come back to this idea. No matter how sad or how down or how worthless I feel, I know that I am always going to outwork anyone else on the job. The problem is, I’m not the one who gets the job in the first place. It’s the person who didn’t worry, and kind of did some of it last minute, and mostly just winged it who got the opportunity. What the actual fuck, life? WHAT? No one told me this is how it would go.

I guess it’s the whole: The good die young. Life isn’t fair.

Day 55 – I Have No Chill

August 2, 2018

We have a very weird divide in the US, maybe in the whole world: you are either street smart, or you are book smart. I thought I bridged that gap. I’m all book-reading and navigating the world like a boss. An unemployed boss.

But then I realized that I both undersold and oversold myself. I AM both of those things, but I’m not the best ever and I can learn a thing or two. And I AM book smart, but that doesn’t seem to matter as much in real life. I am NOT (yet) Life Smart.

I am very Life Dumb. I am motivated when someone gives me a specific task, but I have to be in charge. So that works when you’re the lead in the play, or the director, in school and you have a specific task, but that task is to be the greatest badass boss lady around. If I am given an essay assignment and one person gets to present their essay, you better bet I will write the best essay around and win that spot. Someone needs to sacrifice their own tennis match so that another team can be captained because they have a better shot at the championship? Well, how about I win my match right now and then go captain? I’m on it.

But real life doesn’t seem to work this way. You are either your own boss, in which case all tasks and successes and pay checks are up to you, or you work for a company/corporation, in which case you do whatever narrow job you’re given with very little autonomy and hope you someday get to move up the ladder.

What about those of us who fall somewhere in between? I haven’t figured out what that job is yet, but I want it. I am book smart, I am street smart, but I am TERRIBLE at the other stuff. Motivation? I don’t know. I want a team to work with, I want to be the captain/boss of that team, and I want someone to give me some structure or guidance about what to do next. SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME STRUCTURE!!!

Day 53 – Boss Lady Fails

July 29, 2018

Every once in a while, you have a day where you are reinvigorated to continue to pursue your dream and/or wake up tomorrow at a normal time and actually brush your teeth and perhaps interact with other humans. One or the other. Am I right? I had one of those days today. Something happened that reminded me that this life is definitely the one that I am (unfortunately) going to have to continue to pursue BECAUSE I HATE/LOVE IT AND IT HATE/LOVES ME BACK. And THEN I was reminded that my career choice is also the reason for 95% of my anxiety. So… winning all around.

Also, side note, I like to eat chocolate after 11 PM on top of the two other desserts I had. I like to take naps on my couch. I like to re-watch shows on Netflix that most people wouldn’t even watch once. I like to talk about working out but rarely do it because it’s time consuming and boring and difficult and finding parking in LA is like finding a needle in a haystack and it makes me want to murder people. I like to eat pasta, in fact I like to eat all the pasta I can find. I like to turn on as many fans as possible and point them directly at my face because I sweat a lot and I seriously hate the heat. I like to write at night when it’s quiet and no one can annoy me. I like to cuddle with my puppy but I hate taking her for walks because she’s a terrible walker, it’s hot out, and I don’t want to be where the people are. I like to drink coffee in the morning because I can put a lot of creamer and sugar in it, not because I like the taste, which is like dirty, bitter water. I like to hint to people that I need help getting more writing jobs, but I hate using my friendships to get them so I kind of casually mention them while acting like it’s not a big deal and downplaying my talent and basically talking them out of helping me, even for free, even at all. I like to wait until it’s too late to do my laundry and then the laundry machines are full all day on the day I decide to do it, leaving me with no clean underwear. I like to be out of quarters as well when I finally DO try to do my laundry. I like to check my phone every few seconds to see if anyone has texted or called while also hating everyone and hoping no one has texted or called; when I see that no one has, I like to be devastated that I don’t have any friends and mope around for a while before eating my feelings in the shape of desserts. I like to talk myself out of being good enough for jobs and then when I get so tired of doing this, I like to fall asleep on my couch with my head at an awkward angle on the pillow so my neck hurts all night. AAAAND rinse and repeat. I’m a treat to be around.

None of those things take away from the fact that I did, actually, feel reenergized about the passion I have for my career, even if it didn’t in any way clarify how I’m supposed to get there or motivate me to do anything other than sit on my couch. Still… A good day overall.

Day 49 – Things I like and Pursuing My Dreams

July 28, 2018

I literally shushed someone at a bar like it was a library. It was someone I knew, too. And I knew why they were being loud. It was just TOO DAMN LOUD, you know? Like, people are trying to have conversations over here!

So tonight I apparently turned 95. I do not tolerate the young’uns. Though the people I shushed ranged from 30-45, it was still an unacceptable amount of noise to be making when some people were trying to drink their water in peace. I do not know these people, of course, and they definitely weren’t myself and my friend, because that would be weird, but SOME PEOPLE were drinking water and didn’t need the noise to drown out their important discussion of careers, family problems, good desserts, and how expensive it is to join the gym. THESE ARE IMPORTANT TOPICS, DANG IT!

It is nights like these that remind me that I am getting old(er) and that I should probably have my shit together, know what I’m doing with my life, be gainfully employed, and in general live up to my potential and get a life. None of these things have happened. I’m just old without any of the personal growth. Awesome.

Day 48 – Old and Boring and Terrible Company

July 3, 2018

What a day. Everything I did today was so that I could watch Bridget Jones’s Diary. I know what that sounds like. But it was a goal, okay? It was something to shoot for. And then when I finally turned it on, I fell asleep almost immediately and missed most of it. But I got to my goal. Another small win.

I had a somewhat productive meeting. A somewhat productive afternoon post-meeting. A somewhat productive evening spent with friends playing trivia in a dive bar.

And then the less productive sadness settled in as memories hit me. Memories in which we set off fireworks for the 4th of July. In which we spent summers at a mountain cabin, eating candied apples, going boating on the lake (my dad eventually sank that boat…three times), playing cards, joking around, talking, fighting, silent treatment. I’d take any of it.

I’d take any of it.

Day 23 – Mixed bag of productivity and sadness.