Do so-called “normal” people have as many ups and downs as I do? What is normal, though? Like, pumpkin spice lattes and cute fall photos and long blonde hair and a terrier puppy and a small waist and a job in PR? Or, like, a big friend group and co-ed sports teams and tickets to concerts out in the desert and a boyfriend of 8 years that’s perfect and church on Sundays? Or, better yet, a comfortable job and financial security and good friends and a spouse and a house and a workout class every Wed/Fri and hosting themed parties and in bed by 10?
Instead, I have emotional roller coaster rides and confusion and judgment from my family and flaky friends and constant sadness and lots of cookies and evenings on the couch watching reruns and a job I tolerate that pays me next to nothing and a dream I haven’t accomplished yet and disappointing my parents and anxiety.
Am I doing it wrong?
Day 117 – Normal
Well… I took it. I am apparently employed. It feels weird since it’s been so long, I’ve had the worst search experience, and I don’t think I want it.
But it could be good. I guess. I think I’m supposed to get excited about it and see it for all the possibilities. So I will go ahead and do that.
I feel terrible about the implications to my family and my relationship. Those are the hardest things for me. I feel like I’m supposed to be in 20 places at once. Now I will only be in one place: Work. Ugh. We need to re-evaluate our society’s priorities.
My future boss was really excited to tell me that I would have my own desk AND phone. Well, then, can I start sooner??? Because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t even NEED money anymore.
Day 80 – Work Work Work Work Work Work
I used to think Ron Swanson (Parks & Rec, obviously) was the hilariously out-of-touch sidekick to Leslie’s in-touch, hard-working persona, but I swear to you, the more I learn about the world, the more I like his off-grid, off-beat sensibilities. The fewer people I have to deal with and the less governmental interference in life (particularly with the current decision-makers in power), the better off I am.
I talked to exactly one person today. One. And she was trying to sell me a spa day on the sidewalk by being “willing to take my payment now” – as in, in person when I have no idea who she is, I was supposed to pay her money randomly as we passed by each other. I was listening to a podcast the entire time she was talking because I had grocery bags in both hands that I was carrying home so I couldn’t press “pause” on the podcast and she didn’t seem interested in noticing normal, obvious things happening right in front of her, so I just had to attempt to listen to her sales pitch while also listening to murder. Needless to say, the murder was far more interesting.
So she kept chatting to me about this super cheap spa day while I tried not to lose an arm to the weight off all the groceries I’d purchased, had murder on my mind, and was told that all I had to do was give this person I didn’t know on the street my credit card number – OR BETTER YET, SHE’D ACCEPT CASH – and then I’d be well on my way to having $700 worth of spa services, just take her word for it! It couldn’t possibly be a poorly disguised scam!
Thus ended any interest I had in speaking with other humans in person today. I went home to my dog and my fresh foods and enjoyed the silence/chocolate-covered graham crackers.
Day 57 – People Are Annoying and also I Love Ron