Life is exhausting. I know I’m the first person to notice that, so you’re welcome for mentioning it.
On a happier note, I stood up for myself at work and it went well. I didn’t trip or pee myself or run into a wall. I didn’t stumble (too badly) over my words. I didn’t break down hysterically crying. I DID mention how uncomfortable I was, but that’s pretty much as good/bad as it got. My boss is awesome.
Anyway, that went well and then I got chicken for dinner and fell asleep on the couch so in case you were wondering, I’m a depressed, divorced, 50 year old man who’s about to have his reawakening in a mediocre rom-com.
I hope life is a movie.
Day 122 – Rom com hopes
I was trying to walk into my boss’s office, but instead I got my foot caught in the strap of my backpack and I tripped trying to get out of it and FELL into her office. She hasn’t stopped laughing. It was amazing. What an entrance.
That moment alone reminded me of how much I love comedy. I just want to make people laugh, you guys. I don’t want to talk about murder all day. I like murder (when it’s not me or anyone I know or love or care about or have ever met…let’s not murder people). But I don’t want to talk about it all day. I want to make jokes and fall over and write comedy.
How did I get so far from my goal?
Well, reality. Bills and such. Expectations from my family. But really – I am to blame. It was me. I didn’t react well to the grief. I still haven’t recovered. So here we are. Killings instead of killing at stand-up.
I got sad. I got angry. I curled up in a ball. I crawled inside myself and never came out. Every time I think about making people laugh, I also think about how sad I am.
Can I even do it anymore?
Day 110 – I miss laughing.
Well… I took it. I am apparently employed. It feels weird since it’s been so long, I’ve had the worst search experience, and I don’t think I want it.
But it could be good. I guess. I think I’m supposed to get excited about it and see it for all the possibilities. So I will go ahead and do that.
I feel terrible about the implications to my family and my relationship. Those are the hardest things for me. I feel like I’m supposed to be in 20 places at once. Now I will only be in one place: Work. Ugh. We need to re-evaluate our society’s priorities.
My future boss was really excited to tell me that I would have my own desk AND phone. Well, then, can I start sooner??? Because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t even NEED money anymore.
Day 80 – Work Work Work Work Work Work
We have a very weird divide in the US, maybe in the whole world: you are either street smart, or you are book smart. I thought I bridged that gap. I’m all book-reading and navigating the world like a boss. An unemployed boss.
But then I realized that I both undersold and oversold myself. I AM both of those things, but I’m not the best ever and I can learn a thing or two. And I AM book smart, but that doesn’t seem to matter as much in real life. I am NOT (yet) Life Smart.
I am very Life Dumb. I am motivated when someone gives me a specific task, but I have to be in charge. So that works when you’re the lead in the play, or the director, in school and you have a specific task, but that task is to be the greatest badass boss lady around. If I am given an essay assignment and one person gets to present their essay, you better bet I will write the best essay around and win that spot. Someone needs to sacrifice their own tennis match so that another team can be captained because they have a better shot at the championship? Well, how about I win my match right now and then go captain? I’m on it.
But real life doesn’t seem to work this way. You are either your own boss, in which case all tasks and successes and pay checks are up to you, or you work for a company/corporation, in which case you do whatever narrow job you’re given with very little autonomy and hope you someday get to move up the ladder.
What about those of us who fall somewhere in between? I haven’t figured out what that job is yet, but I want it. I am book smart, I am street smart, but I am TERRIBLE at the other stuff. Motivation? I don’t know. I want a team to work with, I want to be the captain/boss of that team, and I want someone to give me some structure or guidance about what to do next. SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME STRUCTURE!!!
Day 53 – Boss Lady Fails