October 4, 2018

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Still haven’t made my deadline. Of course. Still haven’t written a word. Of course. Still haven’t faced any of my feelings. Of course. Is it obvious that I hate myself? Is it spilling off this page? If I could punish myself with words, I would. If I could punch myself into feeling better, I would.

There’s no way, it seems, to erase the pain. The well is deep. The feelings in there are fucking awful.

In the words of The Grinch, “I loathe myself.”

Day 116 – Dark Day.

October 2, 2018

Relationships are hard. We pee with the door open now. We’re there.

We still date each other, which is nice. But now it’s like: go to work, text about work while at work, come home and talk about work, sleep so we can go to work.

He’s not working right now, which is amazing, because that means he has more energy than I do to clean or cook or walk our dog or workout. I appreciate all these things. But it’s unsettling, too.

Are we just going to end up as roommates? Will we still like each other? Will we still love each other? Are we going to have chore wheels and arguments about splitting the bills and sit around in our sweats burping up our takeout? Is that what happens? I feel like that’s what happens.

Day 114 – Roommates or Romance?

September 30, 2018

It happened. Half his stuff. In the house. The move-in was actually pretty seamless. But then we got in a fight about… something. I can’t really remember. It seemed important.

He didn’t want me to put dishes away. I wanted to put dishes away. That was the fight.

For the record, I put the dishes away.

Day 112 – First day fight