Do so-called “normal” people have as many ups and downs as I do? What is normal, though? Like, pumpkin spice lattes and cute fall photos and long blonde hair and a terrier puppy and a small waist and a job in PR? Or, like, a big friend group and co-ed sports teams and tickets to concerts out in the desert and a boyfriend of 8 years that’s perfect and church on Sundays? Or, better yet, a comfortable job and financial security and good friends and a spouse and a house and a workout class every Wed/Fri and hosting themed parties and in bed by 10?
Instead, I have emotional roller coaster rides and confusion and judgment from my family and flaky friends and constant sadness and lots of cookies and evenings on the couch watching reruns and a job I tolerate that pays me next to nothing and a dream I haven’t accomplished yet and disappointing my parents and anxiety.
Am I doing it wrong?
Day 117 – Normal
Every once in a while, you have a day where you are reinvigorated to continue to pursue your dream and/or wake up tomorrow at a normal time and actually brush your teeth and perhaps interact with other humans. One or the other. Am I right? I had one of those days today. Something happened that reminded me that this life is definitely the one that I am (unfortunately) going to have to continue to pursue BECAUSE I HATE/LOVE IT AND IT HATE/LOVES ME BACK. And THEN I was reminded that my career choice is also the reason for 95% of my anxiety. So… winning all around.
Also, side note, I like to eat chocolate after 11 PM on top of the two other desserts I had. I like to take naps on my couch. I like to re-watch shows on Netflix that most people wouldn’t even watch once. I like to talk about working out but rarely do it because it’s time consuming and boring and difficult and finding parking in LA is like finding a needle in a haystack and it makes me want to murder people. I like to eat pasta, in fact I like to eat all the pasta I can find. I like to turn on as many fans as possible and point them directly at my face because I sweat a lot and I seriously hate the heat. I like to write at night when it’s quiet and no one can annoy me. I like to cuddle with my puppy but I hate taking her for walks because she’s a terrible walker, it’s hot out, and I don’t want to be where the people are. I like to drink coffee in the morning because I can put a lot of creamer and sugar in it, not because I like the taste, which is like dirty, bitter water. I like to hint to people that I need help getting more writing jobs, but I hate using my friendships to get them so I kind of casually mention them while acting like it’s not a big deal and downplaying my talent and basically talking them out of helping me, even for free, even at all. I like to wait until it’s too late to do my laundry and then the laundry machines are full all day on the day I decide to do it, leaving me with no clean underwear. I like to be out of quarters as well when I finally DO try to do my laundry. I like to check my phone every few seconds to see if anyone has texted or called while also hating everyone and hoping no one has texted or called; when I see that no one has, I like to be devastated that I don’t have any friends and mope around for a while before eating my feelings in the shape of desserts. I like to talk myself out of being good enough for jobs and then when I get so tired of doing this, I like to fall asleep on my couch with my head at an awkward angle on the pillow so my neck hurts all night. AAAAND rinse and repeat. I’m a treat to be around.
None of those things take away from the fact that I did, actually, feel reenergized about the passion I have for my career, even if it didn’t in any way clarify how I’m supposed to get there or motivate me to do anything other than sit on my couch. Still… A good day overall.
Day 49 – Things I like and Pursuing My Dreams
I literally shushed someone at a bar like it was a library. It was someone I knew, too. And I knew why they were being loud. It was just TOO DAMN LOUD, you know? Like, people are trying to have conversations over here!
So tonight I apparently turned 95. I do not tolerate the young’uns. Though the people I shushed ranged from 30-45, it was still an unacceptable amount of noise to be making when some people were trying to drink their water in peace. I do not know these people, of course, and they definitely weren’t myself and my friend, because that would be weird, but SOME PEOPLE were drinking water and didn’t need the noise to drown out their important discussion of careers, family problems, good desserts, and how expensive it is to join the gym. THESE ARE IMPORTANT TOPICS, DANG IT!
It is nights like these that remind me that I am getting old(er) and that I should probably have my shit together, know what I’m doing with my life, be gainfully employed, and in general live up to my potential and get a life. None of these things have happened. I’m just old without any of the personal growth. Awesome.
Day 48 – Old and Boring and Terrible Company
I actually went to the gym today. And unlike previous times, I didn’t just see it from afar and leave; I went inside. I sat on some of the machines. I ran (walked) for an hour (30 minutes).
I thought I’d died. I told my friend to come claim my body. I was on the floor near the rowing machines when he found me. He suggested we get dinner, so I came back to life and off we went.
I don’t think I’ll be doing that again. It did make me feel hopeful, though, to get out of the house and be reminded of how in shape so many other people are. I no longer need to worry about keeping up with them. I can’t. They look great. But I left the house AND I left it to go workout. So…big important day around here.
I don’t know if you’ve ever done this, but I like to clock the small wins in my life. Like, I make a “To Do” list, and if I shower, but it obviously wasn’t on the list, I’ll add it to the list so I can cross it off. Small win. I do that with checking the mail, putting on clean socks, eating lunch, making my bed (throwing the covers back over my spot), finding a new pen, opening the blinds in the morning…the list is long. Every time I do something – anything – I add it to the list and check it off.
Now it doesn’t matter if I find work, make money, rewrite my resume, publish a book, buy a house, go grocery shopping, or meet Melissa McCarthy. I added and crossed off so many other things from that list…I’m good now, right?
Day 22 – Gym and progress and hope.