September 16, 2018

I had a good day. I feel weird saying it and I don’t know if it’s true down to my core, but I had a good day. Can you have a good day when bad is how you always feel?

It’s like the opposite of a silver lining. Normally, it’s the same and I have a storm cloud of bad feelings with a tiny sliver of momentary happiness. Today was happiness “cloud” with a tiny sliver of sadness. Is it still a cloud if it’s happiness? Like a storm cloud of good omens? Can you mix all these ideas and metaphors into one thing?

Day 98 – Happy day

September 13, 2018

Well, I suck. What can I say? I keep missing days.

I felt good today. Useful, productive, dare I say – happy?!? I like the people at my job and the work keeps me distracted for the most part. I left work feeling like I’d actually done something with my day, had some fun interactions, and then had the evening free to do whatever I wanted (TV and food, obviously).

Am I forgetting? Am I a bad person? I felt relieved. I could breathe. Now that I realize this, it’s all gone.

Should I be grieving? Is this part of grieving?

I feel bad that I felt good. I’m ashamed.

Day 95 – Less grief, then more grief

September 10, 2018

First day. I put on my big girl pants and faced the world. I’m not gonna lie: pajamas on the couch is much better than pants in the outside world.

As a side note, I tried ridiculously hard not to panic about being unreachable by phone, not to worry that something was going to happen, not to check my phone constantly (thinking I was being sneaky, but I’m about as sneaky as a toddler with pots and pans). I ended up feeling sick with worry all day. What if something happened? What if someone needed me and couldn’t get ahold of me? What if…?

I feel like I’ll never be free of the pain.

Day 92

September 3, 2018

Big fight tonight. I often lose track of what is okay and what is not okay. I lose track of what I should fight and what I should accept. Is yelling okay? Is it not okay? Should I yell back? No? Yes?

Maybe these are the “ups and downs” people talk about. I don’t know anymore. I’m scared to lose people now. I’m scared into keeping most things inside. I want to know the right thing to do or say. The best way to get through to him. The best way to make myself clear yet still be able to listen. I literally don’t know anymore. But I will say – it didn’t feel good (or right) to be treated like that. Now what to do?

Day 85 – Fighting for it

August 12, 2018

I literally have no idea what to do if I’ve overstayed my welcome. I feel like that was the theme of this weekend.

One of my friends came to visit and because he was having problems in his relationship, he stayed the whole weekend. I love my friend, but I definitely wanted the time to myself (and my other visitor…). I KNOW I can tell him to leave/tell him it’s time for him to go, but I legitimately think that message should be kind of obvious when there’s another kind of visitor in town and he’s third wheeling it hard. I third wheel it all the time, so calm yourself, but I don’t do so for long stretches at a time, unexpectedly, at the last minute, when someone else (wink wink) is visiting them.

AND THEN I BECAME THAT PERSON. Different circumstances. A good friend of mine, let’s call her Francine, invited my visitor and me over. And, 7 hours later, we were still there. Now, the time passed quickly and I asked her to kick us out when she was sick of us, but I don’t think that people can really do that. I think it’s hard to tell people they need to leave your house/go home when there’s no acceptable way to do so. If you have manners, you can’t very easily tell someone to leave. If you have manners, you should leave when it’s time to go, if you can somehow judge that exacly.

I know I should have just left. But then am I rude for randomly bailing? What if I WASN’T overstaying my welcome? Then am I rude for leaving? I swear to you, this anxiety is out to destroy me.

Destroy me.

On the other hand, it was a distraction from the every day things that feel like they’re destroying me, so at least I had a short break from those.

Day 63 – Overstaying My Welcome

July 26, 2018

Normally, surgery is not funny. But usually AFTER the surgery is hilarious. Nothing is better than someone who is on heavy painkillers and thinks it’s the absolute right time for confessions, opinions, ideas, and an insistence that they have a burning cigarette up their nose.

It was a pretty good day if I look at the individual moments, which isn’t usually my strength. USUALLY I notice how the whole thing is full of annoying moments (people) and it all adds up to a really annoying day (with people) and then it seems annoying overall (mostly because of the people). But today, there was laughter in the face of tough times, and that’s really what I love. I know it sounds a little weird, but if any of you knew what my family was like, you’d realize that laughing through tragedy is just a normal Tuesday (yes, today is Thursday, don’t sass me).

So when my dad pulled the oxygen out of his nose to try to find his invisible burning cigarette, or when he tried to get up and leave the hospital because “it’s time to go,” or when he called the nurse in because he had to pee, but instead insisted he was in the wrong room and then proceeded to pee during the conversation, I enjoyed every moment of it. And then I had cake. Oops.

Day 46 – Comedy/Tragedy