October 11, 2018

Maybe someday I’ll lose weight and make a million dollars a day and save all the dogs and help my family and run a marathon (this somehow seems the least likely to me) and watch my own show on TV and save the planet/reverse climate change and travel everywhere on my list.

The least likely one of those is actually lose weight. I don’t know why. I probably don’t care about it all that much. When I’m tired/bored/anxious/sad/annoyed/tired again/any other feeling, food seems like the only thing that makes me feel better at all.

Day 123 – Weighed Down

September 3, 2018

Big fight tonight. I often lose track of what is okay and what is not okay. I lose track of what I should fight and what I should accept. Is yelling okay? Is it not okay? Should I yell back? No? Yes?

Maybe these are the “ups and downs” people talk about. I don’t know anymore. I’m scared to lose people now. I’m scared into keeping most things inside. I want to know the right thing to do or say. The best way to get through to him. The best way to make myself clear yet still be able to listen. I literally don’t know anymore. But I will say – it didn’t feel good (or right) to be treated like that. Now what to do?

Day 85 – Fighting for it

July 27, 2018

Ups and downs, baby. Today was a mixed bag of crazy, but in the end, I’m on my couch watching Netflix, so I’m not going to complain.

Oh, by the way, living up to my potential SUCKS. What is with people deciding I have potential? Then I just disappoint them. My mom explained the amount of disappointment today. But I was eating a giant chocolate chip cookie at the time, so all I heard was, “yum, this is so good.” Probably coming from my mouth, but who cares? Life hack.

I remember the glory days when my good grades and hard work and big dreams were rewarded, and I didn’t have to PAY ANY BILLS or WORRY ABOUT REAL LIFE THINGS and then during spring break, SOMEONE ELSE PAID FOR MY VACATION TO HAWAII. Why did I want to grow up so fast? Oh, yeah, living with my family. Well, now I’m being dragged back and there are STILL BILLS and NO VACATIONS so I feel like that did not work out at all in my favor.

I’m not complaining, I’m just saying being an adult is THE WORST. I get the “freedom” to eat whatever I want and do whatever I want. If I can afford it. Which I can’t. So… What exactly did I get out of this? No idea.

Day 47 – Adulting and Potential SUCK

July 7, 2018

Aaaand the one from today…

I started watching a new show that has me absolutely fascinated. True crime is my first love, but my second love is a well-made whodunit murder show; even more points if it’s British.

And this one is British and holy hell is it good. They did a fantastic job creating non-stop intrigue and mystery. I was actually on the edge of my seat. That’s a real thing, it turns out.

Today was an actual, genuinely good day. I had a small anxiety attack at the end of the day when I realized there’s some work stuff I need to deal with that I’m not prepared to handle both because I have no idea what I’m doing – trying to keep that from everyone – and because I have no idea how to make this decision that’s time sensitive.

I think that’s the hardest part about being an adult. As a kid, all I wanted was to be able to make my own decisions. To not be dragged on any more hikes in the hottest part of the day in summer with my mom, who refused to tell me how much longer we had to go. To choose my own food, bedtime, work habits, friends, even. To decide for myself what color my walls are and where I take vacation.

Well, isn’t being an adult just a swift kick in the ass?!? I don’t really choose my own food, because I don’t make enough money to fill my fridge. My bedtime is whenever I can finally, momentarily, defeat my insomnia. Work habits are terrible and way worse than they used to be. I have two friends. My walls are white and baby poop green, and chosen by my landlord. I take vacations where my wallet will allow, which is my couch at home. Gone are the days of Hawaiian vacations and lazy summer afternoons and dinner that just appears on the table as if by magic.

Adulting sucks. I only get to make the tough decisions, like which bills I can pay this month and how to keep pretending I have any idea what I’m doing and whether to lie and say I’ve been working out every day or just own the fact that I haven’t left my couch. Decisions suck as well. It’s never Do I get the Mercedes or the Range Rover? And it’s definitely never Do I buy one house or two? It’s just the lesser of two evils, and I constantly pick the wrong one.

So thank goodness for mostly good days. Now to keep pretending I know what I’m doing with my life.

Day 27 – Anxiety, Decisions, but Goodness anyway.