August 15, 2018

Good news. Not related to my grief, unfortunately. That kind of good news would have me ignoring this blog and shouting from the rooftop.

The good news is related to the job search. Though I have spent more time since the interview worrying about whether it’s the right fit or not than celebrating, I have actually at least theoretically gotten a second interview at a job that might be a great next step. I know that “good news” sounded muddled in not good news and confusing language but that is because I AM CONFUSED.

In short, good news: had a successful interview that should supposedly result in a second interview. And I KNOW that to most people that doesn’t even sound like good news. But when you work in television, opportunities are few and far between, so I will take at least the second interview while I decide. I should say now that I haven’t given that enough weight. It IS exciting. As for the rest of it, it’s not exactly the job I want and the upward mobility isn’t exactly on the path I’d even want to be on but it’s money and it’s a job and it’s in TV and the show is interesting soooooooooo. I don’t know. But those seem like good things.

I don’t get to celebrate all that often, so I will take it. Side note – I spent the entire day in pajamas interacting with no other humans so that might be the real win for today.

Day 66 – Somewhat(?) Good News

August 7, 2018

I got one little nibble today and even though it’s nothing, it’s still toeing the line with SOMETHING ACTUALLY HAPPENING, so I’ll take it. I got a job interview for next week. To actually do something that I want to do. It’s a start, a step. A little part of me wanted to curl up on my couch and ignore it instead (read: a very big part of me), but I didn’t (yet) and I accepted the interview.

I really want waffles and eggs and everything covered in maple syrup – damn you, Parks and Recreation. There’s just something about the way that show deals with breakfast food…

To the important things: I had a mild-medium panic attack today. I have no idea if I’m ever doing the right thing. Work? Grieve? Nap? Move? Stay where I am? Curl up into a ball and cry? Watch comedy? Eat all the ice cream? Move back to Colorado? Keep on the path I’m on? Try something different? LIFE IS SO HARD! Who has the answers to these things? How does anyone ever figure out how to navigate the world correctly? Is there some like secret list of information somewhere that everyone is reading except for me?

I have extreme career anxiety. I believe very strongly in hard work and a good work ethic. BUT SOMEONE HAS TO HIRE ME. Yes, I also have to be a good fit for them. AND YES I have to earn it. Shhhhh, I KNOW.

But every day that goes by that I am not working gives a little caffeine jolt to my anxiety and then I return to the cry-nap-eat cycle I seem to be so fond of. I am amazed I have friends, to be honest.

Day 58 – Life Is Hard

July 29, 2018

Every once in a while, you have a day where you are reinvigorated to continue to pursue your dream and/or wake up tomorrow at a normal time and actually brush your teeth and perhaps interact with other humans. One or the other. Am I right? I had one of those days today. Something happened that reminded me that this life is definitely the one that I am (unfortunately) going to have to continue to pursue BECAUSE I HATE/LOVE IT AND IT HATE/LOVES ME BACK. And THEN I was reminded that my career choice is also the reason for 95% of my anxiety. So… winning all around.

Also, side note, I like to eat chocolate after 11 PM on top of the two other desserts I had. I like to take naps on my couch. I like to re-watch shows on Netflix that most people wouldn’t even watch once. I like to talk about working out but rarely do it because it’s time consuming and boring and difficult and finding parking in LA is like finding a needle in a haystack and it makes me want to murder people. I like to eat pasta, in fact I like to eat all the pasta I can find. I like to turn on as many fans as possible and point them directly at my face because I sweat a lot and I seriously hate the heat. I like to write at night when it’s quiet and no one can annoy me. I like to cuddle with my puppy but I hate taking her for walks because she’s a terrible walker, it’s hot out, and I don’t want to be where the people are. I like to drink coffee in the morning because I can put a lot of creamer and sugar in it, not because I like the taste, which is like dirty, bitter water. I like to hint to people that I need help getting more writing jobs, but I hate using my friendships to get them so I kind of casually mention them while acting like it’s not a big deal and downplaying my talent and basically talking them out of helping me, even for free, even at all. I like to wait until it’s too late to do my laundry and then the laundry machines are full all day on the day I decide to do it, leaving me with no clean underwear. I like to be out of quarters as well when I finally DO try to do my laundry. I like to check my phone every few seconds to see if anyone has texted or called while also hating everyone and hoping no one has texted or called; when I see that no one has, I like to be devastated that I don’t have any friends and mope around for a while before eating my feelings in the shape of desserts. I like to talk myself out of being good enough for jobs and then when I get so tired of doing this, I like to fall asleep on my couch with my head at an awkward angle on the pillow so my neck hurts all night. AAAAND rinse and repeat. I’m a treat to be around.

None of those things take away from the fact that I did, actually, feel reenergized about the passion I have for my career, even if it didn’t in any way clarify how I’m supposed to get there or motivate me to do anything other than sit on my couch. Still… A good day overall.

Day 49 – Things I like and Pursuing My Dreams

July 12, 2018

Here’s what it is: When literally every single thing starts to go wrong and all you can do is scream into a pillow, but even that seems like too much effort, then you might start to understand the day I just had.

It’s almost like Life thought about giving me one little thing I wanted (at a cost), and then thought, “Hey, we could make her pay and give her nothing instead, so better not.” Well, Life, you win again.

I learned two things from this Hellish day from Hell, and they are: 1. If you think for one moment that Life is generous instead of funny, it’ll show up at the last second to remind you that Life is actually your annoying younger brother and will be taking the last piece of pie and stomping it into the ground and then rubbing it in your face and 2. There’s a daily rinse and repeat cycle of this.

In other words, things did not go as planned and resulted in me falling asleep at 6:30 PM. Because today was just too much and I needed it to be done. But, unfortunately, I woke up when it was still today so I just sat alone (with my dog) on the couch until the stroke of midnight. I’m the Millennial Cinderella.

One day in the very near future I will have a small win and then another small win and then some big wins. That day might be the same day as the Apocalypse, but it has to happen, right? Right?

Day 32 – Life: 1, Me: 0 (unless we’re talking pounds gained this year, and then I’d say 40)

July 3, 2018

What a day. Everything I did today was so that I could watch Bridget Jones’s Diary. I know what that sounds like. But it was a goal, okay? It was something to shoot for. And then when I finally turned it on, I fell asleep almost immediately and missed most of it. But I got to my goal. Another small win.

I had a somewhat productive meeting. A somewhat productive afternoon post-meeting. A somewhat productive evening spent with friends playing trivia in a dive bar.

And then the less productive sadness settled in as memories hit me. Memories in which we set off fireworks for the 4th of July. In which we spent summers at a mountain cabin, eating candied apples, going boating on the lake (my dad eventually sank that boat…three times), playing cards, joking around, talking, fighting, silent treatment. I’d take any of it.

I’d take any of it.

Day 23 – Mixed bag of productivity and sadness.

July 2, 2018

I actually went to the gym today. And unlike previous times, I didn’t just see it from afar and leave; I went inside. I sat on some of the machines. I ran (walked) for an hour (30 minutes).

I thought I’d died. I told my friend to come claim my body. I was on the floor near the rowing machines when he found me. He suggested we get dinner, so I came back to life and off we went.

I don’t think I’ll be doing that again. It did make me feel hopeful, though, to get out of the house and be reminded of how in shape so many other people are. I no longer need to worry about keeping up with them. I can’t. They look great. But I left the house AND I left it to go workout. So…big important day around here.

I don’t know if you’ve ever done this, but I like to clock the small wins in my life. Like, I make a “To Do” list, and if I shower, but it obviously wasn’t on the list, I’ll add it to the list so I can cross it off. Small win. I do that with checking the mail, putting on clean socks, eating lunch, making my bed (throwing the covers back over my spot), finding a new pen, opening the blinds in the morning…the list is long. Every time I do something – anything – I add it to the list and check it off.

Gym.

Now it doesn’t matter if I find work, make money, rewrite my resume, publish a book, buy a house, go grocery shopping, or meet Melissa McCarthy. I added and crossed off so many other things from that list…I’m good now, right?

Day 22 – Gym and progress and hope.