September 30, 2018

It happened. Half his stuff. In the house. The move-in was actually pretty seamless. But then we got in a fight about… something. I can’t really remember. It seemed important.

He didn’t want me to put dishes away. I wanted to put dishes away. That was the fight.

For the record, I put the dishes away.

Day 112 – First day fight

September 29, 2018

Tomorrow he moves half his stuff in. Only half. Baby steps. Sort of. Then one big step. ONE HUGE STEP.

I managed to get rid of two pairs of shoes for him. Oh, and some t-shirts. That should be enough space, right?!?

Day 111 – I’m not freaking out; you’re freaking out.

September 16, 2018

I had a good day. I feel weird saying it and I don’t know if it’s true down to my core, but I had a good day. Can you have a good day when bad is how you always feel?

It’s like the opposite of a silver lining. Normally, it’s the same and I have a storm cloud of bad feelings with a tiny sliver of momentary happiness. Today was happiness “cloud” with a tiny sliver of sadness. Is it still a cloud if it’s happiness? Like a storm cloud of good omens? Can you mix all these ideas and metaphors into one thing?

Day 98 – Happy day

September 13, 2018

Well, I suck. What can I say? I keep missing days.

I felt good today. Useful, productive, dare I say – happy?!? I like the people at my job and the work keeps me distracted for the most part. I left work feeling like I’d actually done something with my day, had some fun interactions, and then had the evening free to do whatever I wanted (TV and food, obviously).

Am I forgetting? Am I a bad person? I felt relieved. I could breathe. Now that I realize this, it’s all gone.

Should I be grieving? Is this part of grieving?

I feel bad that I felt good. I’m ashamed.

Day 95 – Less grief, then more grief

September 10, 2018

First day. I put on my big girl pants and faced the world. I’m not gonna lie: pajamas on the couch is much better than pants in the outside world.

As a side note, I tried ridiculously hard not to panic about being unreachable by phone, not to worry that something was going to happen, not to check my phone constantly (thinking I was being sneaky, but I’m about as sneaky as a toddler with pots and pans). I ended up feeling sick with worry all day. What if something happened? What if someone needed me and couldn’t get ahold of me? What if…?

I feel like I’ll never be free of the pain.

Day 92

August 29, 2018

Well… I took it. I am apparently employed. It feels weird since it’s been so long, I’ve had the worst search experience, and I don’t think I want it.

But it could be good. I guess. I think I’m supposed to get excited about it and see it for all the possibilities. So I will go ahead and do that.

I feel terrible about the implications to my family and my relationship. Those are the hardest things for me. I feel like I’m supposed to be in 20 places at once. Now I will only be in one place: Work. Ugh. We need to re-evaluate our society’s priorities.

My future boss was really excited to tell me that I would have my own desk AND phone. Well, then, can I start sooner??? Because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t even NEED money anymore.

Day 80 – Work Work Work Work Work Work

August 28, 2018

Good news, I guess. Again, not about the thing I really care about, but about something else. Work.

I make pro/con lists. That’s what I do. I make them about everything except: should I spend an obscene amount of money I don’t have online shopping for clothes, and then leave town so it’s a Russian Roulette of whether the stuff will get stolen off my front porch or still be there when I return? It’s a fun game.

If I take the proffered job, I make money and I get a good credit from a good network and have stable work for about 6 months. If I don’t take the job, I can go to film festivals and be available for work that is MUCH closer to what I want to do and go home to see my parents and grieve together and also help them.

I was hoping making that list would help. It didn’t. This is all I thought about today. When I wasn’t buying clothes online.

Day 79 – To Work or Not To Work?

August 20, 2018

Nothing like completely blowing a good opportunity to remind you that you suck and you’re not moving forward in your career.

I have to say, it did feel GOOD. Even though I stunk up the place, I really, really loved getting to do that. Wasn’t as fun for the audience, that’s for sure, but it was glorious for me. Nervous and poor performance and all. Even bombing felt good.

But it really reminded me of how much work I should be putting in if I’m going to justify being away from the people that I love and not being present in my grief. I ignore it. I distract myself. I deny it. Every once in a while, because I can’t think past it, I live in it, but for the most part, I try to get as far away from it as one can get from their own skin and bones. Which can’t be easily justified or rectified if I’m busy failing at other things. All it really does is remind me. You just set up shop, didn’t you? You think you fucking live here, don’t you? I can’t deny everything that happened. I can’t pretend this isn’t my life. But I can NOT talk about it. Which is what I’m doing. Which is why, when I come home from absolutely destroying opportunities to advance my career, I sit down to a silent reminder from my (traitorous) brain telling me, “you don’t deserve this anyway. You should be somewhere else. You should be helping. You should be sad.”

My brain needs a vacation. Or a chill pill. Or alcohol.

Day 71 – Blowing Opportunities

August 15, 2018

Good news. Not related to my grief, unfortunately. That kind of good news would have me ignoring this blog and shouting from the rooftop.

The good news is related to the job search. Though I have spent more time since the interview worrying about whether it’s the right fit or not than celebrating, I have actually at least theoretically gotten a second interview at a job that might be a great next step. I know that “good news” sounded muddled in not good news and confusing language but that is because I AM CONFUSED.

In short, good news: had a successful interview that should supposedly result in a second interview. And I KNOW that to most people that doesn’t even sound like good news. But when you work in television, opportunities are few and far between, so I will take at least the second interview while I decide. I should say now that I haven’t given that enough weight. It IS exciting. As for the rest of it, it’s not exactly the job I want and the upward mobility isn’t exactly on the path I’d even want to be on but it’s money and it’s a job and it’s in TV and the show is interesting soooooooooo. I don’t know. But those seem like good things.

I don’t get to celebrate all that often, so I will take it. Side note – I spent the entire day in pajamas interacting with no other humans so that might be the real win for today.

Day 66 – Somewhat(?) Good News

August 7, 2018

I got one little nibble today and even though it’s nothing, it’s still toeing the line with SOMETHING ACTUALLY HAPPENING, so I’ll take it. I got a job interview for next week. To actually do something that I want to do. It’s a start, a step. A little part of me wanted to curl up on my couch and ignore it instead (read: a very big part of me), but I didn’t (yet) and I accepted the interview.

I really want waffles and eggs and everything covered in maple syrup – damn you, Parks and Recreation. There’s just something about the way that show deals with breakfast food…

To the important things: I had a mild-medium panic attack today. I have no idea if I’m ever doing the right thing. Work? Grieve? Nap? Move? Stay where I am? Curl up into a ball and cry? Watch comedy? Eat all the ice cream? Move back to Colorado? Keep on the path I’m on? Try something different? LIFE IS SO HARD! Who has the answers to these things? How does anyone ever figure out how to navigate the world correctly? Is there some like secret list of information somewhere that everyone is reading except for me?

I have extreme career anxiety. I believe very strongly in hard work and a good work ethic. BUT SOMEONE HAS TO HIRE ME. Yes, I also have to be a good fit for them. AND YES I have to earn it. Shhhhh, I KNOW.

But every day that goes by that I am not working gives a little caffeine jolt to my anxiety and then I return to the cry-nap-eat cycle I seem to be so fond of. I am amazed I have friends, to be honest.

Day 58 – Life Is Hard