Avoid, avoid, avoid.
Still haven’t made my deadline. Of course. Still haven’t written a word. Of course. Still haven’t faced any of my feelings. Of course. Is it obvious that I hate myself? Is it spilling off this page? If I could punish myself with words, I would. If I could punch myself into feeling better, I would.
There’s no way, it seems, to erase the pain. The well is deep. The feelings in there are fucking awful.
In the words of The Grinch, “I loathe myself.”
Day 116 – Dark Day.
I am avoiding talking about all the real things. If I talk about the thing that makes me paralyzingly sad, I will be too sad to function. Duh. But really. It’s true. If I talk about my favorite TV shows and ice cream and the dumb thing I did today, then I can keep moving and breathing and getting out of bed.
I write this to be cathartic, but I don’t often use it that way. I talk about my relationship. I bitch about work. I drool over a cookie I ate today. I write about politics and then delete it because it just makes me angry and instead talk about my dog.
How the actual fuck do people survive devastating things without annoying everyone around them or collapsing into an immovable ball of tears or both?
Day 115 – I…Sad.
All I do is work and eat and work and sit and try to stay up and sleep and work. Do other people have hobbies? Energy?
I have a writing deadline… So far, all I’ve written is my name at the top of the page. You do not write your name at the top of scripts.
Day 113 – Work Work Work Work Work Work (thanks, Rihanna)
One day behind. I can do this…
That “one day” rapidly became 4 by the time I posted this.
Is it weird to be impacted by someone else’s news? I mean, it’s someone I love. So that probably makes sense. But I feel a split. I feel supportive and annoyed. I feel sympathetic and unsympathetic. Like, “I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s bullshit. Now pick yourself back up and fix it.”
Because once you’ve been to hell and are partway back, nothing seems that ridiculous anymore. Everything seems simple. Friend is being an asshole? So what? Fix it or end it. Hate your job? Figure out how to make it better or quit and find what you want. I know that sounds simplistic, but sometimes the simple answer is the best.
And those don’t even seem like problems to me. I feel like my heart has been dragged under a semi-truck for the last 2 years, 2 months, and 24 days. I’m not the person to complain to.
But I also love him and really do feel angry on his behalf. I really do feel like something hurtful and awful and frustrating and life-changing and painful and ridiculous happened to him but I also think that until you lose the most important person in the entire world to you, you have no idea how trivial those things are. I shouldn’t be such tough-love. He deserves sympathy. I’m not sure I have it in me.
Oh, and I’m obviously an asshole.
Day 102 – Sympathetic but not
And now 4 days behind. It’s so weird that this happens because I really do need these posts. They’re kind of saving me. I don’t know if I just kept it all inside before or burdened my friends with it, but I have come to rely on this format. So… even if there’s no one watching or reading, it has changed my life.
Now if only it could fix my procrastination…
Day 100 – Nice. 100 days. (4 days ago.)
I love organization, planning, and being a day behind in posting my blog. Not sure why. Just seems to be what keeps happening. Maybe this time it was because I am in the heart of the stress and grief, maybe it was because I got distracted watching TV and drinking chai tea, or maybe it was because when I’m in a disorganized, chaotic situation, I can’t think straight and I just end up shutting down like a robot with an “off” switch. Do they still have “off” switches? Do they still call them robots, or have we moved on to the more popular term AI?
Am I 100 years old?
Does anyone else feel that constant worried feeling in their stomach, followed by headaches, stomach aches, heart pounding, and insomnia? NO? Cool, me neither. I think sometimes that I’m very lucky I found someone who loves me despite this. I also think sometimes that I should probably go live by myself (and my dog, obviously) on an island somewhere and not interact with other humans.
Day 88 – Late as usual
Someone told me that after 21 times of doing something in a row, it becomes a habit and you won’t forget to do it because it will be built in to your routine. Tell that to my diet, exercising, and writing my blog.
Unfortunately, last night slipped through the cracks of how habits supposedly work. Though, for the record, I actually had such an enjoyable and sadness-free evening for the first time in a long while that I didn’t look at my phone, I didn’t check my social media, and I didn’t notice the lack of blog post.
Enjoyable despite the ultimate job rejection. And despite the fact that I am surrounded by people who are kicking ass. I’m genuinely not jealous. I’m thrilled to watch it and support it and cheer it on and be friends with successful people. I want to be one of those successful people.
And then I epically failed on my diet yesterday because PASTA. And delicious craft cocktails. And desserts. I mean, it was probably worth it, but I felt weak and pathetic that I couldn’t make it a full week before breaking down. A new day today, I guess?
The sadness is creeping back in a little bit…
Day 76 – Bad Habits
Did I get out of pajamas today? Yes. Did I leave my house? Also, yes. BUT – I left for no more than 40 minutes (to go to the grocery store) and I changed from pajamas into workout clothes so when I sat on the couch, I felt better about myself. So.
There are definitely days where I feel more like my old self, and today was somewhat that day. But I was done by 2:30 PM. I tried to keep my spirits up, but it’s hard when I want to be successful and productive, but I find myself focusing on how sad I am. How do I change my focus? I usually use cake and cookies, but I’m trying not to do that right now. SO HOW DO OTHER PEOPLE DO IT? How does anyone focus on the good rather than the debilitating sadness? I swear I feel like I’m trying my best, but it doesn’t seem to be working all that well.
On a happier note, I did three crosswords last night before I fell asleep on the couch. Is that a happier note? Unclear, but maybe it’s a small win.
Day 68 – Trying My Best
We have a very weird divide in the US, maybe in the whole world: you are either street smart, or you are book smart. I thought I bridged that gap. I’m all book-reading and navigating the world like a boss. An unemployed boss.
But then I realized that I both undersold and oversold myself. I AM both of those things, but I’m not the best ever and I can learn a thing or two. And I AM book smart, but that doesn’t seem to matter as much in real life. I am NOT (yet) Life Smart.
I am very Life Dumb. I am motivated when someone gives me a specific task, but I have to be in charge. So that works when you’re the lead in the play, or the director, in school and you have a specific task, but that task is to be the greatest badass boss lady around. If I am given an essay assignment and one person gets to present their essay, you better bet I will write the best essay around and win that spot. Someone needs to sacrifice their own tennis match so that another team can be captained because they have a better shot at the championship? Well, how about I win my match right now and then go captain? I’m on it.
But real life doesn’t seem to work this way. You are either your own boss, in which case all tasks and successes and pay checks are up to you, or you work for a company/corporation, in which case you do whatever narrow job you’re given with very little autonomy and hope you someday get to move up the ladder.
What about those of us who fall somewhere in between? I haven’t figured out what that job is yet, but I want it. I am book smart, I am street smart, but I am TERRIBLE at the other stuff. Motivation? I don’t know. I want a team to work with, I want to be the captain/boss of that team, and I want someone to give me some structure or guidance about what to do next. SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME STRUCTURE!!!
Day 53 – Boss Lady Fails
Tried to be healthy… Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.
Did I have an anxiety attack today? Why yes, yes I did. Thanks for asking. Do I hate everyone? Yes, yes I do. Thanks for asking. Some days I like people, some days I tolerate them, some days I don’t want to be anywhere near other people. Today was not a good people day.
I tried to get things done. I really did. In the same way Trump tries to not have a hissy fit or Sarah Huckabee Sanders tries not to lie, that’s how hard I tried. In other words, I napped and ate food. Lazy. Not reaching my potential. Not getting what I want. Not making it work. So much more I could be doing and I didn’t do it. I’m disappointed in myself, but I’m mostly disappointed in my easy access to dessert foods and take out places and Amazon one-click purchasing.
Day 50 – Disappointed and Full