October 6, 2018

Keeping busy helps me avoid feeling sad. I filled today with everything I could think of: phone calls, errands, cleaning, dinner and comedy show with friends, etc. Pathetic, I know. Feel your feelings. But these feelings suck.

I found myself staring off into space when my friends were talking to me. I didn’t hear a word they said.

I heard HIS voice. I saw HIS face. I imagined what conversation we’d have now, if we could have one. And then the unfortunate reality of who I was actually talking to came back to me. I love my friends, but I’d give up everything and everyone to change things. I would. I’d live a lonely, sad life without friends or a good job or anything else if it would make it better.

Instead, there I was with my friends in their beautiful backyard, smoked cod on their plates, drinks in their hands. They were carefree. I was trapped.

Day 118 – Feel your feelings

September 22, 2018

Slept on the couch. Sometimes you need to get away (usually I need to get away from myself, but that’s not easy to do). This time I had to get away from someone else.

That’s what I’ve found with this (maybe all?) relationship(s) – two weeks of happiness and enjoyment followed by one night of arguing and frustration and not hearing what the other person is saying. And when I’m upset I need space. So I took space, then got angrier, then had to watch Friends to distract myself.

I felt like I was trying to share my dreams with him, and he was telling my why they didn’t work. I had to walk away from that. But was I just being dramatic? He’s allowed to have dreams and plans and wants, too. I literally feel like I never know how I’m supposed to feel.

Day 104 – Dreamin’

August 27, 2018

Tried opening up about my breakdown. Expressed some of the things. Did not express all of the things.

Sort of like when there’s a cute guy you’ve had a crush on from afar, and you’ve been dreaming about him, and drawing hearts around his yearbook photo, and writing your first name with his last name all over your binder and now you’ve obsessed for so long that you’ve finally worked up the courage (it’s getting to be too obsessive otherwise) to ask him to the dance and you walk up to him when he’s surrounded by all his cool friends and all you manage to do is trip over a phantom thing and, when they all look over at you with judge-y eyes, blurt out, “Uh, hi, dance.”

That was me. Except I am supposed to be a goddamn adult. And the guy is already my boyfriend. And yet… I’m still the same idiot all these years later.

Day 78 – Idiot Expresses Herself

August 18, 2018

I had a great time with friends tonight and simultaneously realized I am 95 years old on the inside and want to be home in pajamas by 10. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN???

I genuinely tried to talk my friends out of going out after we watched THE LION KING in the park like children. We ended up going out. It was lovely, but I swear to you the minute one of my friends yawned, I pointed at her and was like, “YES” then said I felt the same and was ready to go. I left before her.

On another note, I think sometimes people don’t live up to our expectations, however low we feel they are, and it can be really hard to accept and navigate. I give 100% to every thing I do. If I commit to a project, a person, a lifestyle, a sport, an activity, to help someone with something, etc. I will go to the ends of the earth to be successful at it. Apparently, not everyone is like that. I feel pretty frustrated by this realization because even though no one has to be AS committed as I am, I cannot believe people want to half-ass things or agree to do something but not really do it. WHAT? Don’t agree to it. People are counting on you. Don’t accept responsibilities. Don’t pursue a difficult career. Don’t claim you’ll do something. If you are a flaky, non-committal, irresponsible, half-assing, low-effort, inconsiderate, unreliable person, don’t agree to anything with any other humans. People deserve to be able to count on others, however large or small that thing is. I know that it might seem easier to agree sometimes and then work out the excuses later, but that’s crap and also only works when you’re low on the invite list to an acquaintance’s party where they won’t notice your absence.

Honestly. I want to be able to count on other people. I know we’re taught to look out for ourselves, but it’s in everyone’s best interest to be present and to follow through. Everyone wins. I cannot see a downside. BE A PERSON. SHOW THE FUCK UP. That is all.

Day 69 – Unreliable People and Pajamas

August 12, 2018

I literally have no idea what to do if I’ve overstayed my welcome. I feel like that was the theme of this weekend.

One of my friends came to visit and because he was having problems in his relationship, he stayed the whole weekend. I love my friend, but I definitely wanted the time to myself (and my other visitor…). I KNOW I can tell him to leave/tell him it’s time for him to go, but I legitimately think that message should be kind of obvious when there’s another kind of visitor in town and he’s third wheeling it hard. I third wheel it all the time, so calm yourself, but I don’t do so for long stretches at a time, unexpectedly, at the last minute, when someone else (wink wink) is visiting them.

AND THEN I BECAME THAT PERSON. Different circumstances. A good friend of mine, let’s call her Francine, invited my visitor and me over. And, 7 hours later, we were still there. Now, the time passed quickly and I asked her to kick us out when she was sick of us, but I don’t think that people can really do that. I think it’s hard to tell people they need to leave your house/go home when there’s no acceptable way to do so. If you have manners, you can’t very easily tell someone to leave. If you have manners, you should leave when it’s time to go, if you can somehow judge that exacly.

I know I should have just left. But then am I rude for randomly bailing? What if I WASN’T overstaying my welcome? Then am I rude for leaving? I swear to you, this anxiety is out to destroy me.

Destroy me.

On the other hand, it was a distraction from the every day things that feel like they’re destroying me, so at least I had a short break from those.

Day 63 – Overstaying My Welcome

August 10, 2018

Update: One of the friends mentioned in yesterday’s post actually did respond to me finally via Facebook simply to alert me to the fact that he’s busy and having a great life and will let me know if he’s ever not busy. So I basically just got rejected/breadcrumbed by a FRIEND, but I still got all needy and was like, “just let me know if you ever have time.” I guess I deserved the breadcrumbing…

I don’t even like him that much. I mean, we’re friends, but we’re not that close. Stupid anxiety blowing things out of proportion again.

I had to blink back the tears all day today. I really miss…everything. I miss talking to him. I miss laughing with him and hanging out and hearing his voice. I miss it all. I feel crushed by this almost every day. I went out with a friend. We got dinner. I laughed. It felt like a hollow laugh, though. I was there, but I wasn’t there, you know? I wanted to be alone on my couch to cry and grieve and get out all the pain that was inside but I couldn’t. It’s still inside. It aches.

Day 61 – Everything Hurts

August 9, 2018

So if people I consider to be friends completely ignore me, should I assume I did something or assume the problem lies with them? This is one of the Great Struggles of my life – aside from living itself – that brings my anxiety to a boiling point and then causes me to do weird things like SIMULTANEOUSLY call and text and Facebook message them (I just did this as I typed this sentence) and then get rejected on three fronts all at once which then causes me to IMPLODE DUE TO ANXIETY.

So now my dog lives alone. Please come rescue her.

I highly value my friendships. They have saved me time and time again. I’m sure I pulled the 16-year-old-idiot move where I ignored my friends in favor of the gentleman caller of the day way back when, but learned my lesson quickly and figured out that friends are the ones who stick around. They have literally pulled me away from the edge of a cliff (thanks, Natalie); they have comforted me when I cried or ranted or complained or grieved (thank you, Emily, Eric, Kathleen, Jessica, Harrison, Allie, and myriad others); they have given their time, their advice, their hugs, their love to me when I probably deserved it least. But I appreciate every single one of those moments, every single one of those people. They have laughed at my jokes, and even though I’m clearly hilarious, they do laugh louder and longer than anyone else. They’re supportive and kind and have my back. I picked my friends very carefully. Because I am loyal forever. That’s why, when I get ghosted by a friend or they don’t respond/answer for a few days, I have an ABSOLUTE BREAKDOWN AND LOSE ALL SENSE OF NORMALCY. I contact mutual friends for information. I call them relentlessly like a psycho ex. I alternate between thinking it’s all fine and I didn’t do anything to full-on hating myself for most likely having done something terrible to this person who isn’t talking to me.

There are currently TWO of these friends in my life. WHAT DID I DO? I can’t know unless they tell me and they won’t talk to me so I don’t know so I try to talk to them and then they don’t answer and around and around we go. Honestly, having anxiety and insomnia and depression is like the triple threat of mental instability and daily dysfunction, but that aside, WHAT DO OTHER PEOPLE DO? Do they just… not care? Do they care but it doesn’t bog their mind? Do other people NOT EVEN NOTICE?

Oh god, there goes any chance I had at sleep tonight.

Day 60 – Ghosted By Friends and Anxiety-Ridden