July 6, 2018

Sorry I missed posting this last night – my internet went out for 24 hours…

Good thing, good thing, good thing, and then bad thoughts creep in.

It’s so common to have a so-called “good day,” where I work hard to make sure good things happen and then at the 11th hour, the sadness comes back in. It’s hard work to be positive. To be hopeful. To push down or set aside those feelings that are difficult to deal with, difficult to reckon. I have to force myself every day to not be sad, not be consumed by grief.

I remind myself constantly that he’d want me to try to be happy. That he’d want me to keep working. That he’d want me to live my life. I say it to myself, but I don’t usually believe it. Isn’t that just something we tell ourselves to assuage the guilt, to not feel depressed? It is for me. I repeat those mantras to myself. I repeat them. And they sound hollow. Like I am just saying what I’m supposed to say. Like it’s my own Pledge of Allegiance.

I do hope that someday I can believe those things in my heart. I do hope that someday I won’t be as sad. I don’t know if that’ll happen, though.

Day 26 – Good and Bad.

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