July 5, 2018

This day had more ups and downs than an emotional roller coaster ride with my ex-boyfriend. I woke up late (nice), but then had to rush around and do a bunch of work (no real rushing – did it from the couch, but felt behind in the work – not as nice). I finished that in time to shove a bunch of food in my face, but then had to get to the gym. That’s where I died. I died today at the gym. RIP self. Then I suddenly came back to life in time to clean my entire house while watching Netflix in the background and wondering how women ever do it all. All I want is a maid, a chef, an assistant, a second maid, and someone to kill the spider for me that I swear was the size of my hand that instead I had to kill before it gathered an army, told them where I was, and came after me in full force.

But the real highlight was definitely the guacamole I made. That’s right, it was the highlight. I thought I’d done a brilliant job. I set it out for a meeting and proudly presented it to the attendees. And then proceeded to eat it all myself. No one, I mean NO ONE, touched it except for me, so OF COURSE I had to eat all of it.

Then I opened up some white cheddar popcorn and no one ate that, either, so I downed it. Sometimes living in LA with all these skinny people has its downsides. Or upsides, depending on how you look at it. Either you see the glass half full – I got all of the food to myself, or you see the glass half empty – that I shoved food in my face while other people watched and judged. Answer: The glass is actually full of air, because water has too many calories.

Also, I had to leave a candle lit in the bathroom because I have a dog who likes to pee in there (on a pee pad) and it’s not a pleasant smell. But I forgot to blow it out AND to warn those same guests that she also likes to poop wherever she chooses. I found out after they left that 1. The candle is now gone and was my one defense against the smell and 2. Someone stepped in the poop and walked through my house. I am now on de-poopifying duty. Shhhhh. I do not want to talk about how I need to train my dog better.

Day 25 – Roller Coasters and Eating Alone and Dog Poop.

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