Tag: Sad

October 11, 2018

Maybe someday I’ll lose weight and make a million dollars a day and save all the dogs and help my family and run a marathon (this somehow seems the least likely to me) and watch my own show on TV and save the planet/reverse climate change and travel everywhere on my list.

The least likely one of those is actually lose weight. I don’t know why. I probably don’t care about it all that much. When I’m tired/bored/anxious/sad/annoyed/tired again/any other feeling, food seems like the only thing that makes me feel better at all.

Day 123 – Weighed Down

October 8, 2018

Bad news bears. My mom’s dog died. It’s hard to explain to people when your dog is ACTUALLY your best friend how hard this is.

It’s hard. Loss is hard.

I can’t seem to eat, drink, sleep, exercise, laugh, run, avoid, work, or beg the sadness away. How do people get out?

Day 120 – Sad Day

October 6, 2018

Keeping busy helps me avoid feeling sad. I filled today with everything I could think of: phone calls, errands, cleaning, dinner and comedy show with friends, etc. Pathetic, I know. Feel your feelings. But these feelings suck.

I found myself staring off into space when my friends were talking to me. I didn’t hear a word they said.

I heard HIS voice. I saw HIS face. I imagined what conversation we’d have now, if we could have one. And then the unfortunate reality of who I was actually talking to came back to me. I love my friends, but I’d give up everything and everyone to change things. I would. I’d live a lonely, sad life without friends or a good job or anything else if it would make it better.

Instead, there I was with my friends in their beautiful backyard, smoked cod on their plates, drinks in their hands. They were carefree. I was trapped.

Day 118 – Feel your feelings

October 3, 2018

I am avoiding talking about all the real things. If I talk about the thing that makes me paralyzingly sad, I will be too sad to function. Duh. But really. It’s true. If I talk about my favorite TV shows and ice cream and the dumb thing I did today, then I can keep moving and breathing and getting out of bed.

I write this to be cathartic, but I don’t often use it that way. I talk about my relationship. I bitch about work. I drool over a cookie I ate today. I write about politics and then delete it because it just makes me angry and instead talk about my dog.

How the actual fuck do people survive devastating things without annoying everyone around them or collapsing into an immovable ball of tears or both?

Day 115 – I…Sad.

September 26, 2018

Never thought I’d be that person. All upset about her boyfriend being out of town and unreachable. But then my boyfriend went out of town and is unreachable and now I’m that person. I didn’t know what to do with my time. I am all sad and mopey. I LIKE spending time alone. Usually. When it’s a choice.

And then my family’s dog got very, very sick and ended up in the hospital with an emergency surgery and it’s still touch-and-go. Now I really need him. I forgot what it’s like to not have him to lean on.

Don’t judge me too harshly. I’ve been taking care of myself for most of my life. It’s been nice to share the burden.

Day 108 – Just over here, being pathetic.

September 15, 2018

I spent the day helping my friend move. He has helped me move no fewer than 4 times. I have helped him move 0 times. (He’s never moved…calm self.)

I hated every damn second of it. When I moved, I had approximately 1,000,000 things to move and he helped me do it without complaining even once. He had: a bed, dresser, box of clothes, some little knickknacks, shoes in a suitcase, a few board games, and a bookshelf. You would have thought based on my annoyance and exhaustion that he had as many things as I have. Not even close. AND we had help. AND I barely did anything. I complained when he asked me to make his bed while he carried in other items from the U-haul. I sighed and moaned when I had to take the clothes out of the garment bags, and not just leave them there. I almost hyperventilated when he asked me to go through one of the boxes when I was just uselessly sitting on the floor pretending to be useful. How dare he?!?

My instinct is to blame how overall tired I am from being sad all the damn time. Sadness takes a lot out of you. I imagine it’s similar to hatred/anger. I wouldn’t know, because I feel them both simultaneously, so I can’t tell them apart. It is exhausting to be wrecked from sadness, though.

I have almost no patience for anyone or anything. I get upset when people ask things of me or expect a normal level of participation/help/being present/caring/showing up. So I “helped” my friend move but really I wanted to sleep in the corner and believe I was anywhere else, living someone else’s life.

Not moving that stupid, heavy dresser with its stupid, heavy clothes and its stupid, heavy expectations that I be normal.

Day 97 – Just be normal

September 1, 2018

Well, shit. It happened again. I got distracted by life. I guess that’s a good thing. It means I was having fun. But in reality it means I was having fun tempered by the 50+ times I checked my phone for texts from my family and worried and sent texts and couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Fun with an edge. Maybe there will be a day where that’s not so present. Where I can just enjoy and not worry or panic or feel bad about enjoying. But maybe that means forgetting… I don’t want to forget.

Day 83 – Happy but sad

August 21, 2018

It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle. I have seen this several times in my life, but every single time I can’t help but think: You’re too good for them. When other people choose to hurt you or drag you down, they’re really just showing off their own insecurities. But it doesn’t feel like that.

Fuck them. Fuck them all. They don’t know how good they have it. I know I’m biased because I love these people, but I am not blind. I am not ignorant. I am self-aware. I can point out my own flaws and those of the people I love. But fuck anyone who would try to drag the good ones down. Because that’s usually who gets it. The good ones.

You are one of the good ones. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR THEM. I’ve said it a million times before, and he didn’t listen, and it broke my heart and I don’t like that it’s happening again to someone else I love. Fuck them. Why do we pick on the best people and leave the poor workers, the idiots, the rude, the hurtful, the inefficient, the bullies, the jerks alone? Or, worse, promote them? Humans are the worst.

Day 72 – Fuck Them All

August 11, 2018

Some days are much harder than others. This one had a lot of ups and downs. I had a ton of sad moments where I fought back tears and a ton of happy ones where I laughed until I cried. So, either way, there were tears. Maybe that’s just life. Maybe that’s everyone.

I missed posting this. Accountability.

Day 62 – Tears