July 20-24, 2018

You can TRY to escape your family, but they will follow you wherever you go. Like an STD. Did someone smart say this? No? It’s obvious? Cool.

My family has its problems. Everyone’s does, right? Well, step aside with your small My-Uncle-Got-Drunk-At-Thanksgiving-And-Revealed-I’m-Adopted NON-PROBLEM, because my family wins (loses?) this one. Suffice it to say, that’s why I’ve been absent. I want to hold myself accountable. I want to be honest.

So, originally I was at a wedding where there was no service. That was my first reason I couldn’t post. BUT THEN – MY FAMILY… They (metaphorically) flew in during the wedding reception and caused a scene (only in my life), so I had to rush back and catch a flight out to deal with the craziness/emergency. I’ve been preoccupied, though I suppose that’s not really an excuse. I let it be an excuse. Even though I’m still here dealing with it all and the aftermath (though it’s not over yet), I will continue to try to post nightly as I usually do.

Anyone else feel like moving to a small island somewhere and selling t-shirts on the beach? No? Just me? That literally sounds like the dream. My family will potentially not be able to find me there. Silver lining. Plus it’s AN ISLAND, so it’s its own silver lining. Oh, and did I mention, that MY FAMILY WILL NOT KNOW WHERE I AM? Though they seem to have the noses of a bloodhound when it comes to finding me right when crazy shit is going down…

Days 40-44 – Accountability and Family Insanity (par for the course)

June 24, 2018

I ran into the bathroom to hide the fact that I was crying (I also had to pee). I stood up after a while, when I thought I was done (crying), and dropped the bottom of the long dress I was wearing right into the toilet. The only good thing about it was that it turned sad crying into tears of “of course I did this” and “why am I always so myself.”

When I left the bathroom, I was asked if I wanted to change. Apparently the toilet-dress combo was obvious. I declined because I was rocking that dress before and I would rock it after. Also, I don’t have any class or standards. Just stay upwind of me.

I am doing a terrible job of grieving. Someone told me today that I’m just coping, not actually dealing. I thought I was dealing. I thought I was 14 days into the grieving process. He told me I am skating along, coping, firmly in denial. I denied this. But in the dark of night (while watching TV alone), I’ve thought about this and realized that maybe I am. Tomorrow I will look up the 5 Stages of Grief (I’m sure you all know them, but I don’t, so whatever) and I will see if I can actually move through them.

I’m just afraid that if I grieve, it means I’ve moved on from the person. And I will never, ever move on from them. I will never, ever be the same again. I know I’m supposed to go through the grieving process, but I don’t know why.

I also lost $300 in a casino, got puked on by a drunk guy waiting to get on a school bus, fought with someone about a hypothetical scenario so loudly we were hushed by the DJ, spilled a drink on myself, ripped the dress I’d rented, and got a bad sunburn on my elbow. An overall successful wedding I would say.

Day 14 – Haven’t grieved yet, dropped my dress in my own pee.