YOU GUYS. If I’m not having an anxiety attack, I must be asleep. Actually, I have anxiety even when I’m sleeping so never mind. Constant anxiety.
I am missing him so much. I don’t know what to do with myself. WHAT IF HE STOPS LOVING ME WHILE HE’S AWAY? That would be weird, right? Right? I can’t tell. Is this why people take meds?
My parents’ dog is not doing well. My mom will be devastated. Too much tragedy for my family. We do not have the greatest coping mechanisms, but we do have the worst. Like usual, I am dealing with all my feelings by watching TV and eating. What do other people do? When will I have better coping skills? Help.
Day 109 – So many feelings.
Normally, surgery is not funny. But usually AFTER the surgery is hilarious. Nothing is better than someone who is on heavy painkillers and thinks it’s the absolute right time for confessions, opinions, ideas, and an insistence that they have a burning cigarette up their nose.
It was a pretty good day if I look at the individual moments, which isn’t usually my strength. USUALLY I notice how the whole thing is full of annoying moments (people) and it all adds up to a really annoying day (with people) and then it seems annoying overall (mostly because of the people). But today, there was laughter in the face of tough times, and that’s really what I love. I know it sounds a little weird, but if any of you knew what my family was like, you’d realize that laughing through tragedy is just a normal Tuesday (yes, today is Thursday, don’t sass me).
So when my dad pulled the oxygen out of his nose to try to find his invisible burning cigarette, or when he tried to get up and leave the hospital because “it’s time to go,” or when he called the nurse in because he had to pee, but instead insisted he was in the wrong room and then proceeded to pee during the conversation, I enjoyed every moment of it. And then I had cake. Oops.
Day 46 – Comedy/Tragedy
Today is two years exactly. It’s the day I’ve been dreading for a long time. It still doesn’t seem real most days, but especially today.
You know when you have one of those days where something happens – good or bad – but it just feels like it isn’t even real? That’s how I felt when I graduated college. And high school, for that matter. It felt like something I’d been working toward and something I wanted and was excited about, and then the day came and it was slightly anticlimactic in its routine and scheduling and then it ended and it didn’t feel like anything had actually happened. Same thing when I turned 21. It’s supposed to be this big moment, this big milestone. But the day came and it felt like any other day, and then the next day came and I felt exactly the same. It wasn’t life-changing. It doesn’t feel real because it isn’t anything like what it’s “supposed” to be.
Today felt that way. This big, horrible anniversary that has been looming over me for 2 years and when it came, it felt just as bad – but no worse and really no different – than any other day. There were some laughs. There were some hard moments. There were tough conversations. It could have been any other day, really. It could have been any day of this new reality.
Is that sad? It feels a little sad and a little relieving. Bittersweet, almost, but with sadness and relief. There’s no sweetness to it. I’m partially glad it didn’t feel as devastating as I thought it was going to feel, but maybe that’s because I’m always devastated, so today was no different. I don’t know. I hope you know what I mean – but just in general, not because of personal tragedy.
My mom asked me to water the plants today. Another somewhat mundane task on a day that felt like it should have had more gravitas or celebration or mourning or something…
But instead of watering the plants, I sprayed the water at myself because I don’t know how to use a hose or what wind is. Who knew?!?
Day 18 – Bitterrelief. Sadlief. Resad. Maybe resad is the most accurate…