Never thought I’d be that person. All upset about her boyfriend being out of town and unreachable. But then my boyfriend went out of town and is unreachable and now I’m that person. I didn’t know what to do with my time. I am all sad and mopey. I LIKE spending time alone. Usually. When it’s a choice.
And then my family’s dog got very, very sick and ended up in the hospital with an emergency surgery and it’s still touch-and-go. Now I really need him. I forgot what it’s like to not have him to lean on.
Don’t judge me too harshly. I’ve been taking care of myself for most of my life. It’s been nice to share the burden.
Day 108 – Just over here, being pathetic.
I missed another day. I’m also feeling guilty – constantly guilty – that I am currently having fun. Not all the time – does anyone? – but I’m having fun this weekend in Vegas and all I can think about is how I am and they’re not.
Day 84 – Fun?
I have spent so much of my life ignoring what I’m really good at. I’ve danced around it. I’ve hung out in its vicinity. I’ve let everything and everyone derail me from it. I’ve ignored my best interests. I’ve gotten in my own way at every single turn. Even when it was obvious that I should stick with it, that I should dig in and try harder, I scared myself off.
It’s not easy to follow your path. It’s not easy to take the difficult path because it’s not like the hardest thing was deciding to do it. Fuck, that was hard. But it’s the every day. It’s continuing down that path that some days seems downright impossible and convincing yourself that it’s not impossible. That you can do it. That it’s somewhere inside you and you have to keep pushing through all the bullshit.
And there is A LOT of bullshit. Like, more bullshit than not bullshit. First, there’s the men in my field. Then, there are the expectations – or lack thereof – depending on the day, because we can’t just PICK ONE OF THOSE, we have to have both of them so I never know what I’m going to get. But worst of all is the way that any little thing is a setback and I have to claw my way back to equilibrium. We’re mostly talking EMOTIONAL equilibrium here, people. A small incident for some registers as nothing, for me it’s Hurricane Katrina and I’m standing alone in the 9th Ward when the levies break.
I get WRECKED when anything sets me back. Family stuff, mostly. But also friend stuff and career stuff and men and a high electricity bill and stubbing my toe and a cashier looking at me weird and making me feel like I must be an ugly, horrible person. Live in this head for a day, people. ONE DAY and you will never laugh at me again. I want you to laugh, actually, so never mind.
It’s goddamn time. I don’t know where to start, don’t get me wrong. I’m not about to jog out into the street Rocky style and defeat the steps of some building downtown. I’m not about to play a motivational song while I take on my enemies and win. I’m not about to get off this couch, even. But I know it’s time to stop with all the excuses or I’ll be old(er) and (more) useless before I know it, still making excuses.
Day 36 – Time.