I am avoiding talking about all the real things. If I talk about the thing that makes me paralyzingly sad, I will be too sad to function. Duh. But really. It’s true. If I talk about my favorite TV shows and ice cream and the dumb thing I did today, then I can keep moving and breathing and getting out of bed.
I write this to be cathartic, but I don’t often use it that way. I talk about my relationship. I bitch about work. I drool over a cookie I ate today. I write about politics and then delete it because it just makes me angry and instead talk about my dog.
How the actual fuck do people survive devastating things without annoying everyone around them or collapsing into an immovable ball of tears or both?
Day 115 – I…Sad.
Never thought I’d be that person. All upset about her boyfriend being out of town and unreachable. But then my boyfriend went out of town and is unreachable and now I’m that person. I didn’t know what to do with my time. I am all sad and mopey. I LIKE spending time alone. Usually. When it’s a choice.
And then my family’s dog got very, very sick and ended up in the hospital with an emergency surgery and it’s still touch-and-go. Now I really need him. I forgot what it’s like to not have him to lean on.
Don’t judge me too harshly. I’ve been taking care of myself for most of my life. It’s been nice to share the burden.
Day 108 – Just over here, being pathetic.
It’s a roller coaster, you guys. I’m finally having one or two alright days put together, and he’s being withdrawn and grumpy and angry and annoyed. Is that how it always is? One person is okay and the other isn’t? Tell me now so I can prepare myself.
Or maybe I’m being really annoying and he’s reacting. I can see that, too…
Life is really hard, y’all.
Day 107 – Roller Coaster
I love organization, planning, and being a day behind in posting my blog. Not sure why. Just seems to be what keeps happening. Maybe this time it was because I am in the heart of the stress and grief, maybe it was because I got distracted watching TV and drinking chai tea, or maybe it was because when I’m in a disorganized, chaotic situation, I can’t think straight and I just end up shutting down like a robot with an “off” switch. Do they still have “off” switches? Do they still call them robots, or have we moved on to the more popular term AI?
Am I 100 years old?
Does anyone else feel that constant worried feeling in their stomach, followed by headaches, stomach aches, heart pounding, and insomnia? NO? Cool, me neither. I think sometimes that I’m very lucky I found someone who loves me despite this. I also think sometimes that I should probably go live by myself (and my dog, obviously) on an island somewhere and not interact with other humans.
Day 88 – Late as usual
I avoided mentioning it for a few days so I could process everything…
The benefits of being single are: doing whatever you want all the time, not having to answer to anyone for any reason, not having anyone to judge you or criticize you or yell at you.
The benefits of being in a relationship are: companionship, someone to be there for you, someone who loves you no matter how annoying/weird/frustrating you are, someone to make you laugh, someone to lean on, someone who understands you, someone to share your life with, someone to love and be loved by.
Sometimes I think the grief is too real and has changed me too much. Sometimes I think it has rendered me incapable of seeing what I should be doing vs what I want to do in the moment vs what’s good for me in the long run.
Love feels more practical and comfortable and common than what any source of media would ever lead me to believe. Movies, books, songs, poems, television shows, and my own hormones circa high school made me think that love would feel epic. And then I notice all the people who had that undeniable flare up – that all-consuming fire of passion – fizzle out. They have nothing leftover once it’s gone. So despite the “normalness” that is my love, it endures.
I choose the relationship every single day. It’s not even a question. But I wonder what effect grief has on me…
Day 87 – Choices
Some days it’s hard to know if I’m doing the right thing. Actually, that’s every day all the time.
I have a job now. I took a road trip (that’s why this is late). I pay rent and bills and worry about being able to buy a house. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? I want to do the right thing by my friends and family and mostly myself. But then I second guess my choices. Even my relationship. I love him. I know that. We have plans for the future.
But then I wonder… Should I just be alone?
Day 82 – Do the Right Thing
Well… I took it. I am apparently employed. It feels weird since it’s been so long, I’ve had the worst search experience, and I don’t think I want it.
But it could be good. I guess. I think I’m supposed to get excited about it and see it for all the possibilities. So I will go ahead and do that.
I feel terrible about the implications to my family and my relationship. Those are the hardest things for me. I feel like I’m supposed to be in 20 places at once. Now I will only be in one place: Work. Ugh. We need to re-evaluate our society’s priorities.
My future boss was really excited to tell me that I would have my own desk AND phone. Well, then, can I start sooner??? Because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t even NEED money anymore.
Day 80 – Work Work Work Work Work Work
Yes, I have life-invading anxiety. And no, I cannot always tell the difference between real anxiety (like, intuitive anxiety) and general anxiety (like, fuck you and your sense of well-being anxiety).
But I had a TON of anxiety this weekend. Some of it felt specific. All of it felt terrible. I swear, y’all, my stomach has been in knots all last week and this weekend.
I have decided it has to do with someone in particular. But I don’t know WHY. He hasn’t done anything to warrant it. Have we not been connecting as well? Am I just struggling because that’s life? Am I inventing things to worry about because life isn’t stressful enough? I DON’T KNOW!
Day 70 – Anxiety, That Fucker
Update: We talked and it felt normal. This didn’t 100% erase the anxiety, but it really helped a lot. Like 95% erased. I swear, there is a reason anti-anxiety meds were invented. I should probably take those…
I literally have no idea what to do if I’ve overstayed my welcome. I feel like that was the theme of this weekend.
One of my friends came to visit and because he was having problems in his relationship, he stayed the whole weekend. I love my friend, but I definitely wanted the time to myself (and my other visitor…). I KNOW I can tell him to leave/tell him it’s time for him to go, but I legitimately think that message should be kind of obvious when there’s another kind of visitor in town and he’s third wheeling it hard. I third wheel it all the time, so calm yourself, but I don’t do so for long stretches at a time, unexpectedly, at the last minute, when someone else (wink wink) is visiting them.
AND THEN I BECAME THAT PERSON. Different circumstances. A good friend of mine, let’s call her Francine, invited my visitor and me over. And, 7 hours later, we were still there. Now, the time passed quickly and I asked her to kick us out when she was sick of us, but I don’t think that people can really do that. I think it’s hard to tell people they need to leave your house/go home when there’s no acceptable way to do so. If you have manners, you can’t very easily tell someone to leave. If you have manners, you should leave when it’s time to go, if you can somehow judge that exacly.
I know I should have just left. But then am I rude for randomly bailing? What if I WASN’T overstaying my welcome? Then am I rude for leaving? I swear to you, this anxiety is out to destroy me.
On the other hand, it was a distraction from the every day things that feel like they’re destroying me, so at least I had a short break from those.
Day 63 – Overstaying My Welcome