September 28, 2018

I was trying to walk into my boss’s office, but instead I got my foot caught in the strap of my backpack and I tripped trying to get out of it and FELL into her office. She hasn’t stopped laughing. It was amazing. What an entrance.

That moment alone reminded me of how much I love comedy. I just want to make people laugh, you guys. I don’t want to talk about murder all day. I like murder (when it’s not me or anyone I know or love or care about or have ever met…let’s not murder people). But I don’t want to talk about it all day. I want to make jokes and fall over and write comedy.

How did I get so far from my goal?

Well, reality. Bills and such. Expectations from my family. But really – I am to blame. It was me. I didn’t react well to the grief. I still haven’t recovered. So here we are. Killings instead of killing at stand-up.

I got sad. I got angry. I curled up in a ball. I crawled inside myself and never came out. Every time I think about making people laugh, I also think about how sad I am.

Can I even do it anymore?

Day 110 – I miss laughing.

September 21, 2018

Spoke too soon. I didn’t even give him one day before expecting him to move on. Grief doesn’t work like that. I SHOULD KNOW!!!

I always think I’m so self-aware, too…

I can’t tell what makes sense anymore. Sadness has warped my sense of what “should” be and what reality dictates. I can’t expect kindness and understanding and sympathy when I refuse to give it out. But I can’t figure it out. I have no idea if what I’m saying makes sense or if I’m being cold and heartless.

Cold and heartless this time, I think.

Day 103 – I should know…

June 28, 2018

Today is two years exactly. It’s the day I’ve been dreading for a long time. It still doesn’t seem real most days, but especially today.

You know when you have one of those days where something happens – good or bad – but it just feels like it isn’t even real? That’s how I felt when I graduated college. And high school, for that matter. It felt like something I’d been working toward and something I wanted and was excited about, and then the day came and it was slightly anticlimactic in its routine and scheduling and then it ended and it didn’t feel like anything had actually happened. Same thing when I turned 21. It’s supposed to be this big moment, this big milestone. But the day came and it felt like any other day, and then the next day came and I felt exactly the same. It wasn’t life-changing. It doesn’t feel real because it isn’t anything like what it’s “supposed” to be.

Today felt that way. This big, horrible anniversary that has been looming over me for 2 years and when it came, it felt just as bad – but no worse and really no different – than any other day. There were some laughs. There were some hard moments. There were tough conversations. It could have been any other day, really. It could have been any day of this new reality.

Is that sad? It feels a little sad and a little relieving. Bittersweet, almost, but with sadness and relief. There’s no sweetness to it. I’m partially glad it didn’t feel as devastating as I thought it was going to feel, but maybe that’s because I’m always devastated, so today was no different. I don’t know. I hope you know what I mean – but just in general, not because of personal tragedy.

My mom asked me to water the plants today. Another somewhat mundane task on a day that felt like it should have had more gravitas or celebration or mourning or something…

But instead of watering the plants, I sprayed the water at myself because I don’t know how to use a hose or what wind is. Who knew?!?

Day 18 – Bitterrelief. Sadlief. Resad. Maybe resad is the most accurate…