September 13, 2018

Well, I suck. What can I say? I keep missing days.

I felt good today. Useful, productive, dare I say – happy?!? I like the people at my job and the work keeps me distracted for the most part. I left work feeling like I’d actually done something with my day, had some fun interactions, and then had the evening free to do whatever I wanted (TV and food, obviously).

Am I forgetting? Am I a bad person? I felt relieved. I could breathe. Now that I realize this, it’s all gone.

Should I be grieving? Is this part of grieving?

I feel bad that I felt good. I’m ashamed.

Day 95 – Less grief, then more grief

August 17, 2018

Did I get out of pajamas today? Yes. Did I leave my house? Also, yes. BUT – I left for no more than 40 minutes (to go to the grocery store) and I changed from pajamas into workout clothes so when I sat on the couch, I felt better about myself. So.

There are definitely days where I feel more like my old self, and today was somewhat that day. But I was done by 2:30 PM. I tried to keep my spirits up, but it’s hard when I want to be successful and productive, but I find myself focusing on how sad I am. How do I change my focus? I usually use cake and cookies, but I’m trying not to do that right now. SO HOW DO OTHER PEOPLE DO IT? How does anyone focus on the good rather than the debilitating sadness? I swear I feel like I’m trying my best, but it doesn’t seem to be working all that well.

On a happier note, I did three crosswords last night before I fell asleep on the couch. Is that a happier note? Unclear, but maybe it’s a small win.

Day 68 – Trying My Best

July 3, 2018

What a day. Everything I did today was so that I could watch Bridget Jones’s Diary. I know what that sounds like. But it was a goal, okay? It was something to shoot for. And then when I finally turned it on, I fell asleep almost immediately and missed most of it. But I got to my goal. Another small win.

I had a somewhat productive meeting. A somewhat productive afternoon post-meeting. A somewhat productive evening spent with friends playing trivia in a dive bar.

And then the less productive sadness settled in as memories hit me. Memories in which we set off fireworks for the 4th of July. In which we spent summers at a mountain cabin, eating candied apples, going boating on the lake (my dad eventually sank that boat…three times), playing cards, joking around, talking, fighting, silent treatment. I’d take any of it.

I’d take any of it.

Day 23 – Mixed bag of productivity and sadness.

July 1, 2018

You know when you have one of those days where you’re like, “I got this. I’m going to get stuff done. Today is going to be super productive,” and then you do one thing and you’re like, “I’m exhausted. That was enough effort for today”???

That was me. That was definitely me. I went to a backyard party/lunch thing and after an hour or two, I told everyone that I needed to leave so I could head home and get some work done. I made this huge deal out of leaving to go work – “No, guys, if I don’t work on this, I’ll keep putting it off, and it’ll never get done.”

I have to go work. 30 minutes later, I was home, on the couch, watching Gilmore Girls and eating chips. I really did have the best of intentions to get work done. I really did leave so I could be productive. But then I got home and it just felt like I’d expended all the energy I had being social and also, they were very convincing when they said I could do it later. It didn’t convince me to stay and hang out with them, but it did convince me once I got home that I could just let that whole getting things done concept go and relax instead. I fully embraced the notion that I had done all I could do (by 2 PM). So pathetic.

Day 21 – Unproductive. Procrastinating.