Sometimes the phone rings, and I’m like YAY SOMEONE LIKES ME. But sometimes the phone rings, and my mom’s name pops up on the caller ID and I’m like OH SHIT WHAT HAPPENED OH GOD NOTHING IS SAFE WHAT’S GOING ON and I can barely answer because of the panic.
Today she called to say hi and ask me if I was safe. I almost died of a heart attack receiving that call.
That’s what losing someone does. You will never feel safe again. Trust me. You will think that every time your phone rings, something has happened to someone you love. I don’t keep the ringer on my phone because of this. I have like PTSD or something from phone calls. If my phone rings and either one of my parents’ names pops up, I consider throwing my phone in a lake. Every single time.
I wish I lived by a lake. I’m not kidding. I’d lake that phone so fast, I really would. I’d probably have gone through 50-100 phones by now.
Day 128 – Don’t call me, I’ll call you
First day. I put on my big girl pants and faced the world. I’m not gonna lie: pajamas on the couch is much better than pants in the outside world.
As a side note, I tried ridiculously hard not to panic about being unreachable by phone, not to worry that something was going to happen, not to check my phone constantly (thinking I was being sneaky, but I’m about as sneaky as a toddler with pots and pans). I ended up feeling sick with worry all day. What if something happened? What if someone needed me and couldn’t get ahold of me? What if…?
I feel like I’ll never be free of the pain.
Well… I took it. I am apparently employed. It feels weird since it’s been so long, I’ve had the worst search experience, and I don’t think I want it.
But it could be good. I guess. I think I’m supposed to get excited about it and see it for all the possibilities. So I will go ahead and do that.
I feel terrible about the implications to my family and my relationship. Those are the hardest things for me. I feel like I’m supposed to be in 20 places at once. Now I will only be in one place: Work. Ugh. We need to re-evaluate our society’s priorities.
My future boss was really excited to tell me that I would have my own desk AND phone. Well, then, can I start sooner??? Because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t even NEED money anymore.
Day 80 – Work Work Work Work Work Work
I would like to think I was doing something important, like saving a child from a burning building or solving world hunger or figuring out how to wash laundry without actually having to wash laundry. But I wasn’t. I was talking on the phone. And then I was rewatching Parks and Recreation when I fell asleep on the couch. Don’t be too jealous of my glamorous life.
Day 74 – Oops, I Did It Again
Yes, I have life-invading anxiety. And no, I cannot always tell the difference between real anxiety (like, intuitive anxiety) and general anxiety (like, fuck you and your sense of well-being anxiety).
But I had a TON of anxiety this weekend. Some of it felt specific. All of it felt terrible. I swear, y’all, my stomach has been in knots all last week and this weekend.
I have decided it has to do with someone in particular. But I don’t know WHY. He hasn’t done anything to warrant it. Have we not been connecting as well? Am I just struggling because that’s life? Am I inventing things to worry about because life isn’t stressful enough? I DON’T KNOW!
Day 70 – Anxiety, That Fucker
Update: We talked and it felt normal. This didn’t 100% erase the anxiety, but it really helped a lot. Like 95% erased. I swear, there is a reason anti-anxiety meds were invented. I should probably take those…