I was trying to walk into my boss’s office, but instead I got my foot caught in the strap of my backpack and I tripped trying to get out of it and FELL into her office. She hasn’t stopped laughing. It was amazing. What an entrance.
That moment alone reminded me of how much I love comedy. I just want to make people laugh, you guys. I don’t want to talk about murder all day. I like murder (when it’s not me or anyone I know or love or care about or have ever met…let’s not murder people). But I don’t want to talk about it all day. I want to make jokes and fall over and write comedy.
How did I get so far from my goal?
Well, reality. Bills and such. Expectations from my family. But really – I am to blame. It was me. I didn’t react well to the grief. I still haven’t recovered. So here we are. Killings instead of killing at stand-up.
I got sad. I got angry. I curled up in a ball. I crawled inside myself and never came out. Every time I think about making people laugh, I also think about how sad I am.
Can I even do it anymore?
Day 110 – I miss laughing.
I used to think Ron Swanson (Parks & Rec, obviously) was the hilariously out-of-touch sidekick to Leslie’s in-touch, hard-working persona, but I swear to you, the more I learn about the world, the more I like his off-grid, off-beat sensibilities. The fewer people I have to deal with and the less governmental interference in life (particularly with the current decision-makers in power), the better off I am.
I talked to exactly one person today. One. And she was trying to sell me a spa day on the sidewalk by being “willing to take my payment now” – as in, in person when I have no idea who she is, I was supposed to pay her money randomly as we passed by each other. I was listening to a podcast the entire time she was talking because I had grocery bags in both hands that I was carrying home so I couldn’t press “pause” on the podcast and she didn’t seem interested in noticing normal, obvious things happening right in front of her, so I just had to attempt to listen to her sales pitch while also listening to murder. Needless to say, the murder was far more interesting.
So she kept chatting to me about this super cheap spa day while I tried not to lose an arm to the weight off all the groceries I’d purchased, had murder on my mind, and was told that all I had to do was give this person I didn’t know on the street my credit card number – OR BETTER YET, SHE’D ACCEPT CASH – and then I’d be well on my way to having $700 worth of spa services, just take her word for it! It couldn’t possibly be a poorly disguised scam!
Thus ended any interest I had in speaking with other humans in person today. I went home to my dog and my fresh foods and enjoyed the silence/chocolate-covered graham crackers.
Day 57 – People Are Annoying and also I Love Ron
It’s 3 AM where I am right now, and I’m no closer to sleep than I was at 5 PM. I am, however, close to the pasta salad I’m currently eating. And the true crime murder show I’m obsessed with. This guy murdered the couple who lived in his childhood home believing them to be HIS OWN PARENTS while in an alcohol-induced blackout. Whaaaaaaat? He didn’t even know he did it until he got sober several years later and started having nightmares about it.
The pasta salad is all gone. Paul (murderer) got 25 years. 3:08 AM.
I have had this bad cough for a while, but I’m so used to it I barely notice it anymore. I coughed today and my mom said, “Don’t you want to be healthy when you’re older?” Oh. Okay. Let me not cough anymore by choice since that’s obviously what’s happening. Moms… amiright?
I faced my fears today. It took me all day and radically accepting the situation (and being farted on by my mom’s dog for hours straight) to finally go. I left as soon as possible. I felt pathetic. I felt like a coward. I haven’t shaken those feelings.
On the flip side, I peed on my leg a bit. (Unrelated to facing my fears. Related to needing to pee and not getting to the bathroom in time.) I also thought there was an animal being attacked in the backyard so I went after the predator with a spatula, only to realize HOURS LATER that it was actually some birthday balloons rubbing together and creating a high-pitched squealing noise. But those invisible predators better watch out for me and my kitchen utensils…
Insomnia, stalking fake predators, peeing on myself, buying more clothing online – what a productive day, if I do say so myself.
Day 17 – Mommy Issues and Insomnia
Denial, Day 2
“You used to do your hair. What happened? Why don’t you do it anymore?” Mom, 5:37 PM, her car. As if I never do my hair. Like I just have a rat’s nest on top of my head and walk around proudly shunning normal human behavior.
I wanted to tell her that if she has nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything, as this is the advice I have received my entire life when I tried to share MY opinions. However, before I could say anything, she followed up her previous statement with, “I like this dress better on you. The other one looks like a bag.”
I let that sink in. I replied, “Why don’t you let me ask you for your opinions sometimes instead of giving them randomly, when I don’t want them at all?”
And she said, and I quote, “I don’t know. I just assumed you needed to know it looks like you’re wearing a bag.” Oh, okay then. Thanks, I guess.
We spent the day eating and watching murder. I also went to the dentist and made awkward conversation with the dental assistant about Prairie Dogs while she put a poky device and a small mirror in my mouth. (I could see Prairie Dogs outside the window, for the record. Didn’t make it any less awkward or mumble-y.)
True crime is our go-to show to watch. I don’t know what that says about me, except that if I murder someone, I will definitely get away with it. Except now that I’ve written this post. Now I won’t. Shame, because I really do have a good way to cover it up. Oh well, guess no murdering anyone.
Day 16 – Mom’s endless opinions and not dealing with my problems.