Embracing heartbreak with humor
I would like to think I was doing something important, like saving a child from a burning building or solving world hunger or figuring out how to wash laundry without actually having to wash laundry. But I wasn’t. I was talking on the phone. And then I was rewatching Parks and Recreation when I fell asleep on the couch. Don’t be too jealous of my glamorous life.
Day 74 – Oops, I Did It Again
As always, I have to be responsible for my own actions and mistakes. I skipped writing my blog post so I could sleep/rest/think and I shouldn’t have done that. I have hold myself accountable.
On the advice of someone close to me, I will say this: I got some news – both good and bad – that I’m not ready to share yet. When I am, I’ll put it on my blog.
Day 52 – Accountability
All that matters about today is that it’s Harry Potter’s birthday. I KNOW I AM TOO OLD FOR IT, BUT I DON’T CARE. Alan Rickman said he’d love it forever and he did and since I am basically on the same level as Alan in every way (except I’m thankfully still alive…knock on wood), it’s fine that I still love HP.
HP changed my life. It truly did. I’m sure it did for a lot of people, but I hate other people, so I don’t care about them. Boiled down, HP was, for me, the ultimate fight of good vs. evil with humor and love and acceptance and friendship without any of the usual over-dramatized, dystopian, or unrealistic elements. Truly, magic included, it just felt so real.
JK Rowling is a genius and I will love her forever for creating that series.
Now that I’m done being mushy, I will tell you that today is ALSO the day where I wore nude Spanx under a black dress and everyone saw them both because they were too long but also because they were NUDE UNDER A BLACK DRESS. You’d think I was taught nothing. If you met my family, you’d know that’s pretty close to the truth…
Not to just stop there, today was also the day I set my friend up on the worst possible date, feeling very innocent about my choice at first, until I got a post-date call at 7 PM (HOW DID THEY EVEN GO ON THE DATE YET?) and realized the error of my ways. Emily, I’m sorry, I love you, I made a mistake, I thought he seemed nice, I suck, please still be my friend.
In other, unrelated news, I have a sudden opening for a new friend…
Day 51 – Harry Potter and Many Mistakes
I missed this one. I am trying to hold myself accountable and without thinking, I missed it. Someone once told me that if you do something for 21 days straight, it builds up a habit and you’ll keep doing it, yet 37 days in, I missed a post without thinking.
I am so bad at holding myself accountable. I can do it later or Meh, what’s one more day? or No one will notice so it doesn’t matter runs through my head like Trump runs through lies. I am extremely motivated and hard-working, but on the other side of the coin, I tend to give myself slack. Excuses. Second and third chances. If I don’t hold myself accountable and make myself do things, who will? No one will care about my life and success as much as I do, but I let myself slide all the time. Embarrassing.
Day 37 – Mistakes were made.
Late at night, when I’m lying in bed, I like to replay all the mistakes I’ve ever made in my entire life on loop, and feel embarrassed about them all over again. Do you ever do that? I still cringe about something I did when I was 4, and then more things when I was a teenager, and still more things that I do every single day.
It’s like this endless cycle of things I wish I’d said as an angry retort at some point during the day – like when that lady cut me in line at the store I wanted to say “Fuck off, you entitled piece of shit. You are not better than me, so stand in line like I’ve been doing before I make you,” or someone in a skirt yelled out to me that I look like a man, I wish I’d said, “I still look better as a man in a skirt than you do as a woman in one”…Or something much better and wittier – so a series of things I wish I’d said to idiots throughout the day, and then a reminder of one very embarrassing thing I did at some point in my life, followed by a flashback of one VERY embarrassing thing I did at some point in my life, pursued closely by one VERY EMBARRASSING thing I did fairly recently until I’ve convinced myself that all I do is embarrassing things and I’m never leaving my bed or my house again. And once that thought is complete, I remember the LADY at the STORE…
I cringe at myself for the things I’ve written before, the angsty teenager that I was, the dumb things I’ve said or done over the years (usually with the best of intentions) until all I can do is hope that everyone else hates themselves as much as I do or that there’s a magical pill out there in the world that can stop this loop but not actually kill me. Are there people out there who live without anxiety? Who don’t hate themselves and everything they’ve ever said or done? Come at me, bro.
That is not me. I am cringing about 10 different things as I write this. I’m very capable of cringe-typing multitasking.
Day 38 – Embarrassment runs amok.
A Year to Grieve 