September 13, 2018

Well, I suck. What can I say? I keep missing days.

I felt good today. Useful, productive, dare I say – happy?!? I like the people at my job and the work keeps me distracted for the most part. I left work feeling like I’d actually done something with my day, had some fun interactions, and then had the evening free to do whatever I wanted (TV and food, obviously).

Am I forgetting? Am I a bad person? I felt relieved. I could breathe. Now that I realize this, it’s all gone.

Should I be grieving? Is this part of grieving?

I feel bad that I felt good. I’m ashamed.

Day 95 – Less grief, then more grief

September 6, 2018

I love organization, planning, and being a day behind in posting my blog. Not sure why. Just seems to be what keeps happening. Maybe this time it was because I am in the heart of the stress and grief, maybe it was because I got distracted watching TV and drinking chai tea, or maybe it was because when I’m in a disorganized, chaotic situation, I can’t think straight and I just end up shutting down like a robot with an “off” switch. Do they still have “off” switches? Do they still call them robots, or have we moved on to the more popular term AI?

Am I 100 years old?

Does anyone else feel that constant worried feeling in their stomach, followed by headaches, stomach aches, heart pounding, and insomnia? NO? Cool, me neither. I think sometimes that I’m very lucky I found someone who loves me despite this. I also think sometimes that I should probably go live by myself (and my dog, obviously) on an island somewhere and not interact with other humans.

Day 88 – Late as usual

September 5, 2018

I avoided mentioning it for a few days so I could process everything…

The benefits of being single are: doing whatever you want all the time, not having to answer to anyone for any reason, not having anyone to judge you or criticize you or yell at you.

The benefits of being in a relationship are: companionship, someone to be there for you, someone who loves you no matter how annoying/weird/frustrating you are, someone to make you laugh, someone to lean on, someone who understands you, someone to share your life with, someone to love and be loved by.

Sometimes I think the grief is too real and has changed me too much. Sometimes I think it has rendered me incapable of seeing what I should be doing vs what I want to do in the moment vs what’s good for me in the long run.

Love feels more practical and comfortable and common than what any source of media would ever lead me to believe. Movies, books, songs, poems, television shows, and my own hormones circa high school made me think that love would feel epic. And then I notice all the people who had that undeniable flare up – that all-consuming fire of passion – fizzle out. They have nothing leftover once it’s gone. So despite the “normalness” that is my love, it endures.

I choose the relationship every single day. It’s not even a question. But I wonder what effect grief has on me…

Day 87 – Choices

August 31, 2018

Some days it’s hard to know if I’m doing the right thing. Actually, that’s every day all the time.

I have a job now. I took a road trip (that’s why this is late). I pay rent and bills and worry about being able to buy a house. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? I want to do the right thing by my friends and family and mostly myself. But then I second guess my choices. Even my relationship. I love him. I know that. We have plans for the future.

But then I wonder… Should I just be alone?

Day 82 – Do the Right Thing

August 21, 2018

It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle. I have seen this several times in my life, but every single time I can’t help but think: You’re too good for them. When other people choose to hurt you or drag you down, they’re really just showing off their own insecurities. But it doesn’t feel like that.

Fuck them. Fuck them all. They don’t know how good they have it. I know I’m biased because I love these people, but I am not blind. I am not ignorant. I am self-aware. I can point out my own flaws and those of the people I love. But fuck anyone who would try to drag the good ones down. Because that’s usually who gets it. The good ones.

You are one of the good ones. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR THEM. I’ve said it a million times before, and he didn’t listen, and it broke my heart and I don’t like that it’s happening again to someone else I love. Fuck them. Why do we pick on the best people and leave the poor workers, the idiots, the rude, the hurtful, the inefficient, the bullies, the jerks alone? Or, worse, promote them? Humans are the worst.

Day 72 – Fuck Them All

August 20, 2018

Nothing like completely blowing a good opportunity to remind you that you suck and you’re not moving forward in your career.

I have to say, it did feel GOOD. Even though I stunk up the place, I really, really loved getting to do that. Wasn’t as fun for the audience, that’s for sure, but it was glorious for me. Nervous and poor performance and all. Even bombing felt good.

But it really reminded me of how much work I should be putting in if I’m going to justify being away from the people that I love and not being present in my grief. I ignore it. I distract myself. I deny it. Every once in a while, because I can’t think past it, I live in it, but for the most part, I try to get as far away from it as one can get from their own skin and bones. Which can’t be easily justified or rectified if I’m busy failing at other things. All it really does is remind me. You just set up shop, didn’t you? You think you fucking live here, don’t you? I can’t deny everything that happened. I can’t pretend this isn’t my life. But I can NOT talk about it. Which is what I’m doing. Which is why, when I come home from absolutely destroying opportunities to advance my career, I sit down to a silent reminder from my (traitorous) brain telling me, “you don’t deserve this anyway. You should be somewhere else. You should be helping. You should be sad.”

My brain needs a vacation. Or a chill pill. Or alcohol.

Day 71 – Blowing Opportunities

August 8, 2018

Today I learned THAT lesson. The one where you never know what someone else is going through. I made a mistake by not asking/checking in with them before we started down a snarky, fighting, annoyed-at-each-other path. We mostly recovered from it, but not before I discovered what had happened.

He’s always there for me. He sits with me as I cry and complain and talk about my family. He listens to me grieve and holds me when I feel like I won’t survive. He stands by my side no matter what. I had a really rough, very grief-laden day – I don’t even know WHY, some days are just like that – but he had a rough day, too. And he doesn’t lean on me nearly as often as I need to lean on him and instead of being there for him in a clear way from the beginning, I jumped into the fight.

I guess we all live and learn, but I appreciate how often he’s there for me and I appreciate the fact that I can’t always do it alone. I can’t always get through the day by myself anymore. I don’t really remember what I did before him, but I can’t imagine how I would have survived the last 2 years without him. This grief… it’s like drowning. When I come up for air, sometimes the waters are calm, and sometimes the waves crash right back down on me. And even though his day wasn’t full of grief – in NO WAY do I want it to be, trust me – it was a no good, very bad day in its own way and I should have been there for him.

I know what it’s like to be heartbroken, but I also know what it’s like to just have a regular old bad day where you just need to go to sleep and wake up the next day and feel like it’s a new day and the mistakes of yesterday can be left behind. I can never and will never be able to leave anything behind because I HAVE ANXIETY THAT’S ALWAYS TRYING TO KILL ME AND REMIND ME OF EVERY DUMB THING I’VE EVER SAID OR DONE OR ALMOST SAID OR DONE. But still… grief is selfish sometimes.

Day 59 – Lessons Learned