September 12, 2018

I have about 50 extra pounds of sadness on my body. Actual weight. That I’m trying to lose.

But, turns out, it’s hard to lose sadness by the pound. I can pick up the pounds just about anywhere, any time, any day but losing them is so much harder. They always find me.

I tried to lose them today… That went about as well as expected. I ate pizza when I got sad. A sandwich when the sadness came back. A brownie because brownies are delicious and I made the mistake of buying them.

You can physically see how sad I am. And when I go to the gym and see rail thin movie stars – true story, my gym is basically at a movie theatre where there was a premier today so I had to walk past them in shorts and a smelly t-shirt that’s fitted* – I was reminded of just how far I have to go. I can literally measure my sadness by the pound. And I can see how much I still have around. Pants don’t fit over my sadness stomach.

Day 94 – Weighed Down

*it’s supposed to be loose

September 3, 2018

Big fight tonight. I often lose track of what is okay and what is not okay. I lose track of what I should fight and what I should accept. Is yelling okay? Is it not okay? Should I yell back? No? Yes?

Maybe these are the “ups and downs” people talk about. I don’t know anymore. I’m scared to lose people now. I’m scared into keeping most things inside. I want to know the right thing to do or say. The best way to get through to him. The best way to make myself clear yet still be able to listen. I literally don’t know anymore. But I will say – it didn’t feel good (or right) to be treated like that. Now what to do?

Day 85 – Fighting for it