July 30, 2018

Tried to be healthy… Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.

Did I have an anxiety attack today? Why yes, yes I did. Thanks for asking. Do I hate everyone? Yes, yes I do. Thanks for asking. Some days I like people, some days I tolerate them, some days I don’t want to be anywhere near other people. Today was not a good people day.

I tried to get things done. I really did. In the same way Trump tries to not have a hissy fit or Sarah Huckabee Sanders tries not to lie, that’s how hard I tried. In other words, I napped and ate food. Lazy. Not reaching my potential. Not getting what I want. Not making it work. So much more I could be doing and I didn’t do it. I’m disappointed in myself, but I’m mostly disappointed in my easy access to dessert foods and take out places and Amazon one-click purchasing.

Day 50 – Disappointed and Full

June 20, 2018

Getting out of bed is the worst. I don’t know why, when we’re such an advanced species, we haven’t figured out a way to avoid this. I mean, I like to exercise (do I though?) and I like to eat (obviously I do) and we all have to use the bathroom (I read Everyone Poops when I was a kid, so don’t lie to me), but if we can get to the Moon, we can clone a sheep, and we can keep Betty White alive for 1,000 years, why can’t we figure out a way to sleep longer and have shorter work days? Also, not get out of bed at all – that’s what I really want.

It’s not just getting out of bed. It’s putting on pants. It’s facing the outside world. It’s interacting with other humans. It’s pretending you have your life together when you’re dreaming about getting away from them and back into bed. The entire day just feels like time away from my bed.

Getting up is hard to do. I did it, though. It was 11:30 am when I finally got up, but I have bad insomnia so I don’t fall asleep until 3, and then I wake up every hour after that, so… Basically, I’m trying to say, don’t judge me for being lazy and useless. I am those things, but, like, don’t judge me, please. We all have our battles.

I can’t shake the sadness some days, most days. Today was that day. Is that day. Is it time for bed yet? I’m exhausted. (It’s 12:39 PM as I’m writing this. I’ve been up for an hour.)

Day Ten – Tired of my own shit.