October 8, 2018

Bad news bears. My mom’s dog died. It’s hard to explain to people when your dog is ACTUALLY your best friend how hard this is.

It’s hard. Loss is hard.

I can’t seem to eat, drink, sleep, exercise, laugh, run, avoid, work, or beg the sadness away. How do people get out?

Day 120 – Sad Day

August 10, 2018

Update: One of the friends mentioned in yesterday’s post actually did respond to me finally via Facebook simply to alert me to the fact that he’s busy and having a great life and will let me know if he’s ever not busy. So I basically just got rejected/breadcrumbed by a FRIEND, but I still got all needy and was like, “just let me know if you ever have time.” I guess I deserved the breadcrumbing…

I don’t even like him that much. I mean, we’re friends, but we’re not that close. Stupid anxiety blowing things out of proportion again.

I had to blink back the tears all day today. I really miss…everything. I miss talking to him. I miss laughing with him and hanging out and hearing his voice. I miss it all. I feel crushed by this almost every day. I went out with a friend. We got dinner. I laughed. It felt like a hollow laugh, though. I was there, but I wasn’t there, you know? I wanted to be alone on my couch to cry and grieve and get out all the pain that was inside but I couldn’t. It’s still inside. It aches.

Day 61 – Everything Hurts

July 16, 2018

It’s time.

I have spent so much of my life ignoring what I’m really good at. I’ve danced around it. I’ve hung out in its vicinity. I’ve let everything and everyone derail me from it. I’ve ignored my best interests. I’ve gotten in my own way at every single turn. Even when it was obvious that I should stick with it, that I should dig in and try harder, I scared myself off.

It’s not easy to follow your path. It’s not easy to take the difficult path because it’s not like the hardest thing was deciding to do it. Fuck, that was hard. But it’s the every day. It’s continuing down that path that some days seems downright impossible and convincing yourself that it’s not impossible. That you can do it. That it’s somewhere inside you and you have to keep pushing through all the bullshit.

And there is A LOT of bullshit. Like, more bullshit than not bullshit. First, there’s the men in my field. Then, there are the expectations – or lack thereof – depending on the day, because we can’t just PICK ONE OF THOSE, we have to have both of them so I never know what I’m going to get. But worst of all is the way that any little thing is a setback and I have to claw my way back to equilibrium. We’re mostly talking EMOTIONAL equilibrium here, people. A small incident for some registers as nothing, for me it’s Hurricane Katrina and I’m standing alone in the 9th Ward when the levies break.

I get WRECKED when anything sets me back. Family stuff, mostly. But also friend stuff and career stuff and men and a high electricity bill and stubbing my toe and a cashier looking at me weird and making me feel like I must be an ugly, horrible person. Live in this head for a day, people. ONE DAY and you will never laugh at me again. I want you to laugh, actually, so never mind.

It’s goddamn time. I don’t know where to start, don’t get me wrong. I’m not about to jog out into the street Rocky style and defeat the steps of some building downtown. I’m not about to play a motivational song while I take on my enemies and win. I’m not about to get off this couch, even. But I know it’s time to stop with all the excuses or I’ll be old(er) and (more) useless before I know it, still making excuses.

Day 36 – Time.

July 15, 2018

I had a really good day externally, and a really bad day internally, but the important thing is that I checked everything off my to-do list.

I also added things that I happened to do today to my to-do list after the fact so that I could have a longer, more complete list. If you don’t do this, get on it, it’s a great way to look like you did a lot, such as “Shower” and “Brush Teeth” and “Eat Lunch.” I am an expert at lists.

So I nailed that part of the day like a boss. Then came the reminder that I am never very far from the grief. It cycles. Guilt and expectation are big components. Mostly because of my Mom.

Feel guilty. Feel terrible. Feel sad. Feel deep grief. Feel guilty. Laugh at a joke in my head. Feel guilty about laughing. Laugh at another joke in my head. Open up the “Notes” on my phone to write the joke down. Feel guilty while typing. Receive text from my mother mid-typing full of guilt and criticism. Forget what was so funny. Remember grief. Rinse and repeat.

The only two pluses I can think of are that A. My house is now very clean due to stress-cleaning and B. I will probably be able to fall asleep tonight despite my insomnia because emotions and crying tired me out.

Yay. Winning.

Day 35 – Guilty conscience and oh so sleepy.