I had a terrible dream. I was desperately begging someone not to do something and they kept doing it. I’ve never felt that desperate before. I was crying and begging and watching him ignore me. I felt powerless and hopeless simultaneously. It was the worst.
But then I woke up like: Oh, thank god, that was just a dream.
But no. The reality is so much worse. I woke my boyfriend up to comfort me because I was completely losing it.
To realize that your real life is worse than your worst nightmare??? Fuck me.
Day 106 – Waking Nightmare
I love organization, planning, and being a day behind in posting my blog. Not sure why. Just seems to be what keeps happening. Maybe this time it was because I am in the heart of the stress and grief, maybe it was because I got distracted watching TV and drinking chai tea, or maybe it was because when I’m in a disorganized, chaotic situation, I can’t think straight and I just end up shutting down like a robot with an “off” switch. Do they still have “off” switches? Do they still call them robots, or have we moved on to the more popular term AI?
Am I 100 years old?
Does anyone else feel that constant worried feeling in their stomach, followed by headaches, stomach aches, heart pounding, and insomnia? NO? Cool, me neither. I think sometimes that I’m very lucky I found someone who loves me despite this. I also think sometimes that I should probably go live by myself (and my dog, obviously) on an island somewhere and not interact with other humans.
Day 88 – Late as usual
So if people I consider to be friends completely ignore me, should I assume I did something or assume the problem lies with them? This is one of the Great Struggles of my life – aside from living itself – that brings my anxiety to a boiling point and then causes me to do weird things like SIMULTANEOUSLY call and text and Facebook message them (I just did this as I typed this sentence) and then get rejected on three fronts all at once which then causes me to IMPLODE DUE TO ANXIETY.
So now my dog lives alone. Please come rescue her.
I highly value my friendships. They have saved me time and time again. I’m sure I pulled the 16-year-old-idiot move where I ignored my friends in favor of the gentleman caller of the day way back when, but learned my lesson quickly and figured out that friends are the ones who stick around. They have literally pulled me away from the edge of a cliff (thanks, Natalie); they have comforted me when I cried or ranted or complained or grieved (thank you, Emily, Eric, Kathleen, Jessica, Harrison, Allie, and myriad others); they have given their time, their advice, their hugs, their love to me when I probably deserved it least. But I appreciate every single one of those moments, every single one of those people. They have laughed at my jokes, and even though I’m clearly hilarious, they do laugh louder and longer than anyone else. They’re supportive and kind and have my back. I picked my friends very carefully. Because I am loyal forever. That’s why, when I get ghosted by a friend or they don’t respond/answer for a few days, I have an ABSOLUTE BREAKDOWN AND LOSE ALL SENSE OF NORMALCY. I contact mutual friends for information. I call them relentlessly like a psycho ex. I alternate between thinking it’s all fine and I didn’t do anything to full-on hating myself for most likely having done something terrible to this person who isn’t talking to me.
There are currently TWO of these friends in my life. WHAT DID I DO? I can’t know unless they tell me and they won’t talk to me so I don’t know so I try to talk to them and then they don’t answer and around and around we go. Honestly, having anxiety and insomnia and depression is like the triple threat of mental instability and daily dysfunction, but that aside, WHAT DO OTHER PEOPLE DO? Do they just… not care? Do they care but it doesn’t bog their mind? Do other people NOT EVEN NOTICE?
Oh god, there goes any chance I had at sleep tonight.
Day 60 – Ghosted By Friends and Anxiety-Ridden
It’s 3 AM where I am right now, and I’m no closer to sleep than I was at 5 PM. I am, however, close to the pasta salad I’m currently eating. And the true crime murder show I’m obsessed with. This guy murdered the couple who lived in his childhood home believing them to be HIS OWN PARENTS while in an alcohol-induced blackout. Whaaaaaaat? He didn’t even know he did it until he got sober several years later and started having nightmares about it.
The pasta salad is all gone. Paul (murderer) got 25 years. 3:08 AM.
I have had this bad cough for a while, but I’m so used to it I barely notice it anymore. I coughed today and my mom said, “Don’t you want to be healthy when you’re older?” Oh. Okay. Let me not cough anymore by choice since that’s obviously what’s happening. Moms… amiright?
I faced my fears today. It took me all day and radically accepting the situation (and being farted on by my mom’s dog for hours straight) to finally go. I left as soon as possible. I felt pathetic. I felt like a coward. I haven’t shaken those feelings.
On the flip side, I peed on my leg a bit. (Unrelated to facing my fears. Related to needing to pee and not getting to the bathroom in time.) I also thought there was an animal being attacked in the backyard so I went after the predator with a spatula, only to realize HOURS LATER that it was actually some birthday balloons rubbing together and creating a high-pitched squealing noise. But those invisible predators better watch out for me and my kitchen utensils…
Insomnia, stalking fake predators, peeing on myself, buying more clothing online – what a productive day, if I do say so myself.
Day 17 – Mommy Issues and Insomnia