September 12, 2018

I have about 50 extra pounds of sadness on my body. Actual weight. That I’m trying to lose.

But, turns out, it’s hard to lose sadness by the pound. I can pick up the pounds just about anywhere, any time, any day but losing them is so much harder. They always find me.

I tried to lose them today… That went about as well as expected. I ate pizza when I got sad. A sandwich when the sadness came back. A brownie because brownies are delicious and I made the mistake of buying them.

You can physically see how sad I am. And when I go to the gym and see rail thin movie stars – true story, my gym is basically at a movie theatre where there was a premier today so I had to walk past them in shorts and a smelly t-shirt that’s fitted* – I was reminded of just how far I have to go. I can literally measure my sadness by the pound. And I can see how much I still have around. Pants don’t fit over my sadness stomach.

Day 94 – Weighed Down

*it’s supposed to be loose

July 2, 2018

I actually went to the gym today. And unlike previous times, I didn’t just see it from afar and leave; I went inside. I sat on some of the machines. I ran (walked) for an hour (30 minutes).

I thought I’d died. I told my friend to come claim my body. I was on the floor near the rowing machines when he found me. He suggested we get dinner, so I came back to life and off we went.

I don’t think I’ll be doing that again. It did make me feel hopeful, though, to get out of the house and be reminded of how in shape so many other people are. I no longer need to worry about keeping up with them. I can’t. They look great. But I left the house AND I left it to go workout. So…big important day around here.

I don’t know if you’ve ever done this, but I like to clock the small wins in my life. Like, I make a “To Do” list, and if I shower, but it obviously wasn’t on the list, I’ll add it to the list so I can cross it off. Small win. I do that with checking the mail, putting on clean socks, eating lunch, making my bed (throwing the covers back over my spot), finding a new pen, opening the blinds in the morning…the list is long. Every time I do something – anything – I add it to the list and check it off.


Now it doesn’t matter if I find work, make money, rewrite my resume, publish a book, buy a house, go grocery shopping, or meet Melissa McCarthy. I added and crossed off so many other things from that list…I’m good now, right?

Day 22 – Gym and progress and hope.