Embracing heartbreak with humor
Some other family members are here. They’re good buffers. They have babies. The babies are cute. I don’t know. I think it’s all too much. I smile when I don’t feel like smiling. I act all casual when I feel all tight and uncomfortable. I make jokes when I want to curl up alone. I help when I want to run away.
Not because I’m actually nice. Because I know I’m supposed to.
Day 125 – Buffers and babies
I’m rushing home to see my family today. Wish me luck. I will be forced to confront everything that I’ve been trying to avoid.
Day 124 – Avoidance
I was trying to walk into my boss’s office, but instead I got my foot caught in the strap of my backpack and I tripped trying to get out of it and FELL into her office. She hasn’t stopped laughing. It was amazing. What an entrance.
That moment alone reminded me of how much I love comedy. I just want to make people laugh, you guys. I don’t want to talk about murder all day. I like murder (when it’s not me or anyone I know or love or care about or have ever met…let’s not murder people). But I don’t want to talk about it all day. I want to make jokes and fall over and write comedy.
How did I get so far from my goal?
Well, reality. Bills and such. Expectations from my family. But really – I am to blame. It was me. I didn’t react well to the grief. I still haven’t recovered. So here we are. Killings instead of killing at stand-up.
I got sad. I got angry. I curled up in a ball. I crawled inside myself and never came out. Every time I think about making people laugh, I also think about how sad I am.
Can I even do it anymore?
Day 110 – I miss laughing.
I always think I’ll have time to write when I go visit my family, but unless writing the words “stress” and “anxiety” over and over again constitutes writing, it never happens.
Day 86 – Family
I have my moments of realizing it’s a beautiful life and moments of thinking it’s hard and tonight I felt that combo very acutely. I am always trying to live my happiest, best, most beautiful life while feeling deeply sad in my very bones. And also while being the most cynical, pessimistic, anxious person on earth.
You can try to fight me on that, but you will not win.
The things we inflict on ourselves and our families and the ones we love with one choice or one action or even a series of choices or actions can haunt us and them for the rest of time. Why do we do these things? Why don’t we all make better choices? Why did I date ANY of the guys I’ve dated before? Why did I buy those flowery pants? Why did I see a dress I bought recently in People Magazine on the body of an 84-year-old? Why did I say that one thing that one time (this question can apply to almost anything I’ve ever said to anyone at any time)? Why why why?
Life can be so beautiful. I think it’s meant to be. But then we fuck it all up with moving away from our families and living alone and working long days and driving everywhere and long commute hours and short vacation time and limited financial resources and interacting with idiots.
These thoughts run through my head a lot. When I eat all the foods, the anxiety gets full and bloated and needs a nap, so I get a short break from them but they always return. Today they reappeared like an angry pimple on a 16-year-old’s face the day before Prom. Go. The Fuck. Away.
Day 67 – Choices Choices Choices
All that matters about today is that it’s Harry Potter’s birthday. I KNOW I AM TOO OLD FOR IT, BUT I DON’T CARE. Alan Rickman said he’d love it forever and he did and since I am basically on the same level as Alan in every way (except I’m thankfully still alive…knock on wood), it’s fine that I still love HP.
HP changed my life. It truly did. I’m sure it did for a lot of people, but I hate other people, so I don’t care about them. Boiled down, HP was, for me, the ultimate fight of good vs. evil with humor and love and acceptance and friendship without any of the usual over-dramatized, dystopian, or unrealistic elements. Truly, magic included, it just felt so real.
JK Rowling is a genius and I will love her forever for creating that series.
Now that I’m done being mushy, I will tell you that today is ALSO the day where I wore nude Spanx under a black dress and everyone saw them both because they were too long but also because they were NUDE UNDER A BLACK DRESS. You’d think I was taught nothing. If you met my family, you’d know that’s pretty close to the truth…
Not to just stop there, today was also the day I set my friend up on the worst possible date, feeling very innocent about my choice at first, until I got a post-date call at 7 PM (HOW DID THEY EVEN GO ON THE DATE YET?) and realized the error of my ways. Emily, I’m sorry, I love you, I made a mistake, I thought he seemed nice, I suck, please still be my friend.
In other, unrelated news, I have a sudden opening for a new friend…
Day 51 – Harry Potter and Many Mistakes
I literally shushed someone at a bar like it was a library. It was someone I knew, too. And I knew why they were being loud. It was just TOO DAMN LOUD, you know? Like, people are trying to have conversations over here!
So tonight I apparently turned 95. I do not tolerate the young’uns. Though the people I shushed ranged from 30-45, it was still an unacceptable amount of noise to be making when some people were trying to drink their water in peace. I do not know these people, of course, and they definitely weren’t myself and my friend, because that would be weird, but SOME PEOPLE were drinking water and didn’t need the noise to drown out their important discussion of careers, family problems, good desserts, and how expensive it is to join the gym. THESE ARE IMPORTANT TOPICS, DANG IT!
It is nights like these that remind me that I am getting old(er) and that I should probably have my shit together, know what I’m doing with my life, be gainfully employed, and in general live up to my potential and get a life. None of these things have happened. I’m just old without any of the personal growth. Awesome.
Day 48 – Old and Boring and Terrible Company
Ups and downs, baby. Today was a mixed bag of crazy, but in the end, I’m on my couch watching Netflix, so I’m not going to complain.
Oh, by the way, living up to my potential SUCKS. What is with people deciding I have potential? Then I just disappoint them. My mom explained the amount of disappointment today. But I was eating a giant chocolate chip cookie at the time, so all I heard was, “yum, this is so good.” Probably coming from my mouth, but who cares? Life hack.
I remember the glory days when my good grades and hard work and big dreams were rewarded, and I didn’t have to PAY ANY BILLS or WORRY ABOUT REAL LIFE THINGS and then during spring break, SOMEONE ELSE PAID FOR MY VACATION TO HAWAII. Why did I want to grow up so fast? Oh, yeah, living with my family. Well, now I’m being dragged back and there are STILL BILLS and NO VACATIONS so I feel like that did not work out at all in my favor.
I’m not complaining, I’m just saying being an adult is THE WORST. I get the “freedom” to eat whatever I want and do whatever I want. If I can afford it. Which I can’t. So… What exactly did I get out of this? No idea.
Day 47 – Adulting and Potential SUCK
Normally, surgery is not funny. But usually AFTER the surgery is hilarious. Nothing is better than someone who is on heavy painkillers and thinks it’s the absolute right time for confessions, opinions, ideas, and an insistence that they have a burning cigarette up their nose.
It was a pretty good day if I look at the individual moments, which isn’t usually my strength. USUALLY I notice how the whole thing is full of annoying moments (people) and it all adds up to a really annoying day (with people) and then it seems annoying overall (mostly because of the people). But today, there was laughter in the face of tough times, and that’s really what I love. I know it sounds a little weird, but if any of you knew what my family was like, you’d realize that laughing through tragedy is just a normal Tuesday (yes, today is Thursday, don’t sass me).
So when my dad pulled the oxygen out of his nose to try to find his invisible burning cigarette, or when he tried to get up and leave the hospital because “it’s time to go,” or when he called the nurse in because he had to pee, but instead insisted he was in the wrong room and then proceeded to pee during the conversation, I enjoyed every moment of it. And then I had cake. Oops.
Day 46 – Comedy/Tragedy
You can TRY to escape your family, but they will follow you wherever you go. Like an STD. Did someone smart say this? No? It’s obvious? Cool.
My family has its problems. Everyone’s does, right? Well, step aside with your small My-Uncle-Got-Drunk-At-Thanksgiving-And-Revealed-I’m-Adopted NON-PROBLEM, because my family wins (loses?) this one. Suffice it to say, that’s why I’ve been absent. I want to hold myself accountable. I want to be honest.
So, originally I was at a wedding where there was no service. That was my first reason I couldn’t post. BUT THEN – MY FAMILY… They (metaphorically) flew in during the wedding reception and caused a scene (only in my life), so I had to rush back and catch a flight out to deal with the craziness/emergency. I’ve been preoccupied, though I suppose that’s not really an excuse. I let it be an excuse. Even though I’m still here dealing with it all and the aftermath (though it’s not over yet), I will continue to try to post nightly as I usually do.
Anyone else feel like moving to a small island somewhere and selling t-shirts on the beach? No? Just me? That literally sounds like the dream. My family will potentially not be able to find me there. Silver lining. Plus it’s AN ISLAND, so it’s its own silver lining. Oh, and did I mention, that MY FAMILY WILL NOT KNOW WHERE I AM? Though they seem to have the noses of a bloodhound when it comes to finding me right when crazy shit is going down…
Days 40-44 – Accountability and Family Insanity (par for the course)
A Year to Grieve 