July 16, 2018

It’s time.

I have spent so much of my life ignoring what I’m really good at. I’ve danced around it. I’ve hung out in its vicinity. I’ve let everything and everyone derail me from it. I’ve ignored my best interests. I’ve gotten in my own way at every single turn. Even when it was obvious that I should stick with it, that I should dig in and try harder, I scared myself off.

It’s not easy to follow your path. It’s not easy to take the difficult path because it’s not like the hardest thing was deciding to do it. Fuck, that was hard. But it’s the every day. It’s continuing down that path that some days seems downright impossible and convincing yourself that it’s not impossible. That you can do it. That it’s somewhere inside you and you have to keep pushing through all the bullshit.

And there is A LOT of bullshit. Like, more bullshit than not bullshit. First, there’s the men in my field. Then, there are the expectations – or lack thereof – depending on the day, because we can’t just PICK ONE OF THOSE, we have to have both of them so I never know what I’m going to get. But worst of all is the way that any little thing is a setback and I have to claw my way back to equilibrium. We’re mostly talking EMOTIONAL equilibrium here, people. A small incident for some registers as nothing, for me it’s Hurricane Katrina and I’m standing alone in the 9th Ward when the levies break.

I get WRECKED when anything sets me back. Family stuff, mostly. But also friend stuff and career stuff and men and a high electricity bill and stubbing my toe and a cashier looking at me weird and making me feel like I must be an ugly, horrible person. Live in this head for a day, people. ONE DAY and you will never laugh at me again. I want you to laugh, actually, so never mind.

It’s goddamn time. I don’t know where to start, don’t get me wrong. I’m not about to jog out into the street Rocky style and defeat the steps of some building downtown. I’m not about to play a motivational song while I take on my enemies and win. I’m not about to get off this couch, even. But I know it’s time to stop with all the excuses or I’ll be old(er) and (more) useless before I know it, still making excuses.

Day 36 – Time.

July 8. 2018

Aaaaand I still haven’t made a decision about my work stuff. I have decided that the best course of action is to ignore it until it becomes impossible to avoid or they give up on me and go away. This is normal, right? I’m fine. Nothing to see here, folks.

The crime thriller I was watching finished (as in, I binge-watched it for two days), and it was definitely a thriller until the end, when they tried to wrap it up but it didn’t make any sense. Somehow – in this tiny town surrounded by walls with a gated entrance and 100 total residents – somehow there are several murderers, fires, missing people, etc. and it isn’t until you’re thinking back on it that you realize that it’s completely insane for so much to happen in one place but also, hot damn was that a good show. It kept me fascinated the entire time. So, thank you to the creators of such a plot-hole-filled murder mystery that had me gasping out loud and immediately turning on the next episode, no time to wait the 15 seconds for the next one to play.

One of my best friends moved away today. It seems like such an important moment, an important goodbye, but when it comes down to it, you’re just like, “Well, bye” and then they leave. I set down the playing card I was holding, stood up awkwardly, hugged him for longer than I would have, and then waited for him to walk out the door so I could run to the bathroom because I really had to pee.

Goodbyes are like that. They’re so built up but in the moment there’s just nothing to do but say the words and go back to the way your life was and will be from now on. You miss them, for sure, and you feel their absence from the moment it occurs, but there’s just nothing else to be done. They leave. You go pee and start playing cards again with one fewer player. How sad and uneventful at the same time that is.

I will miss him a lot and yet it’s not until right this moment that I even thought about him again, and that’s because I remembered he still has some of my stuff. He left 8 and a half hours ago and I just thought of him now for the first time since then because I realized he has my protein shaker and I probably won’t see that again. So which one am I sadder about? The shaker or the friend? Just kidding, it’s obvious. I hope they both come back.

Day 28 – Missing Friends and Thrilling Crime.

July 5, 2018

This day had more ups and downs than an emotional roller coaster ride with my ex-boyfriend. I woke up late (nice), but then had to rush around and do a bunch of work (no real rushing – did it from the couch, but felt behind in the work – not as nice). I finished that in time to shove a bunch of food in my face, but then had to get to the gym. That’s where I died. I died today at the gym. RIP self. Then I suddenly came back to life in time to clean my entire house while watching Netflix in the background and wondering how women ever do it all. All I want is a maid, a chef, an assistant, a second maid, and someone to kill the spider for me that I swear was the size of my hand that instead I had to kill before it gathered an army, told them where I was, and came after me in full force.

But the real highlight was definitely the guacamole I made. That’s right, it was the highlight. I thought I’d done a brilliant job. I set it out for a meeting and proudly presented it to the attendees. And then proceeded to eat it all myself. No one, I mean NO ONE, touched it except for me, so OF COURSE I had to eat all of it.

Then I opened up some white cheddar popcorn and no one ate that, either, so I downed it. Sometimes living in LA with all these skinny people has its downsides. Or upsides, depending on how you look at it. Either you see the glass half full – I got all of the food to myself, or you see the glass half empty – that I shoved food in my face while other people watched and judged. Answer: The glass is actually full of air, because water has too many calories.

Also, I had to leave a candle lit in the bathroom because I have a dog who likes to pee in there (on a pee pad) and it’s not a pleasant smell. But I forgot to blow it out AND to warn those same guests that she also likes to poop wherever she chooses. I found out after they left that 1. The candle is now gone and was my one defense against the smell and 2. Someone stepped in the poop and walked through my house. I am now on de-poopifying duty. Shhhhh. I do not want to talk about how I need to train my dog better.

Day 25 – Roller Coasters and Eating Alone and Dog Poop.