Bad news bears. My mom’s dog died. It’s hard to explain to people when your dog is ACTUALLY your best friend how hard this is.
It’s hard. Loss is hard.
I can’t seem to eat, drink, sleep, exercise, laugh, run, avoid, work, or beg the sadness away. How do people get out?
Day 120 – Sad Day
I am avoiding talking about all the real things. If I talk about the thing that makes me paralyzingly sad, I will be too sad to function. Duh. But really. It’s true. If I talk about my favorite TV shows and ice cream and the dumb thing I did today, then I can keep moving and breathing and getting out of bed.
I write this to be cathartic, but I don’t often use it that way. I talk about my relationship. I bitch about work. I drool over a cookie I ate today. I write about politics and then delete it because it just makes me angry and instead talk about my dog.
How the actual fuck do people survive devastating things without annoying everyone around them or collapsing into an immovable ball of tears or both?
Day 115 – I…Sad.
Relationships are hard. We pee with the door open now. We’re there.
We still date each other, which is nice. But now it’s like: go to work, text about work while at work, come home and talk about work, sleep so we can go to work.
He’s not working right now, which is amazing, because that means he has more energy than I do to clean or cook or walk our dog or workout. I appreciate all these things. But it’s unsettling, too.
Are we just going to end up as roommates? Will we still like each other? Will we still love each other? Are we going to have chore wheels and arguments about splitting the bills and sit around in our sweats burping up our takeout? Is that what happens? I feel like that’s what happens.
Day 114 – Roommates or Romance?
YOU GUYS. If I’m not having an anxiety attack, I must be asleep. Actually, I have anxiety even when I’m sleeping so never mind. Constant anxiety.
I am missing him so much. I don’t know what to do with myself. WHAT IF HE STOPS LOVING ME WHILE HE’S AWAY? That would be weird, right? Right? I can’t tell. Is this why people take meds?
My parents’ dog is not doing well. My mom will be devastated. Too much tragedy for my family. We do not have the greatest coping mechanisms, but we do have the worst. Like usual, I am dealing with all my feelings by watching TV and eating. What do other people do? When will I have better coping skills? Help.
Day 109 – So many feelings.
Never thought I’d be that person. All upset about her boyfriend being out of town and unreachable. But then my boyfriend went out of town and is unreachable and now I’m that person. I didn’t know what to do with my time. I am all sad and mopey. I LIKE spending time alone. Usually. When it’s a choice.
And then my family’s dog got very, very sick and ended up in the hospital with an emergency surgery and it’s still touch-and-go. Now I really need him. I forgot what it’s like to not have him to lean on.
Don’t judge me too harshly. I’ve been taking care of myself for most of my life. It’s been nice to share the burden.
Day 108 – Just over here, being pathetic.
Does it make me the worst person ever if I am relieved and thankful that I am back from the place where sadness lives? (A literal location, not psychological or emotional.) Or the second worst person?
Because I am relieved. It’s incredibly hard to be there. I feel free the minute the plane takes off. I read. I eat. I pet my dog. I get excited about plans for the upcoming week. I daydream about the future.
If you’ve never been in this position, maybe it seems callous and harsh. But it doesn’t feel that way. It feels like…freedom. It doesn’t mean I’m not sad. I’m sad all the damn time. I wake up sad. I go to bed sad. I get sad suddenly for no reason in a room full of my friends. But sometimes I need to get away from the sadness because otherwise I will give in to it and I’ll never be able to survive that.
Day 89 – Freedom
I love organization, planning, and being a day behind in posting my blog. Not sure why. Just seems to be what keeps happening. Maybe this time it was because I am in the heart of the stress and grief, maybe it was because I got distracted watching TV and drinking chai tea, or maybe it was because when I’m in a disorganized, chaotic situation, I can’t think straight and I just end up shutting down like a robot with an “off” switch. Do they still have “off” switches? Do they still call them robots, or have we moved on to the more popular term AI?
Am I 100 years old?
Does anyone else feel that constant worried feeling in their stomach, followed by headaches, stomach aches, heart pounding, and insomnia? NO? Cool, me neither. I think sometimes that I’m very lucky I found someone who loves me despite this. I also think sometimes that I should probably go live by myself (and my dog, obviously) on an island somewhere and not interact with other humans.
Day 88 – Late as usual
I used to think Ron Swanson (Parks & Rec, obviously) was the hilariously out-of-touch sidekick to Leslie’s in-touch, hard-working persona, but I swear to you, the more I learn about the world, the more I like his off-grid, off-beat sensibilities. The fewer people I have to deal with and the less governmental interference in life (particularly with the current decision-makers in power), the better off I am.
I talked to exactly one person today. One. And she was trying to sell me a spa day on the sidewalk by being “willing to take my payment now” – as in, in person when I have no idea who she is, I was supposed to pay her money randomly as we passed by each other. I was listening to a podcast the entire time she was talking because I had grocery bags in both hands that I was carrying home so I couldn’t press “pause” on the podcast and she didn’t seem interested in noticing normal, obvious things happening right in front of her, so I just had to attempt to listen to her sales pitch while also listening to murder. Needless to say, the murder was far more interesting.
So she kept chatting to me about this super cheap spa day while I tried not to lose an arm to the weight off all the groceries I’d purchased, had murder on my mind, and was told that all I had to do was give this person I didn’t know on the street my credit card number – OR BETTER YET, SHE’D ACCEPT CASH – and then I’d be well on my way to having $700 worth of spa services, just take her word for it! It couldn’t possibly be a poorly disguised scam!
Thus ended any interest I had in speaking with other humans in person today. I went home to my dog and my fresh foods and enjoyed the silence/chocolate-covered graham crackers.
Day 57 – People Are Annoying and also I Love Ron
Here’s what it is: When literally every single thing starts to go wrong and all you can do is scream into a pillow, but even that seems like too much effort, then you might start to understand the day I just had.
It’s almost like Life thought about giving me one little thing I wanted (at a cost), and then thought, “Hey, we could make her pay and give her nothing instead, so better not.” Well, Life, you win again.
I learned two things from this Hellish day from Hell, and they are: 1. If you think for one moment that Life is generous instead of funny, it’ll show up at the last second to remind you that Life is actually your annoying younger brother and will be taking the last piece of pie and stomping it into the ground and then rubbing it in your face and 2. There’s a daily rinse and repeat cycle of this.
In other words, things did not go as planned and resulted in me falling asleep at 6:30 PM. Because today was just too much and I needed it to be done. But, unfortunately, I woke up when it was still today so I just sat alone (with my dog) on the couch until the stroke of midnight. I’m the Millennial Cinderella.
One day in the very near future I will have a small win and then another small win and then some big wins. That day might be the same day as the Apocalypse, but it has to happen, right? Right?
Day 32 – Life: 1, Me: 0 (unless we’re talking pounds gained this year, and then I’d say 40)
Oh, today was one of those days where I started questioning EVERYTHING. I went to this Writer’s Group and not only were all the “Oh, I just decided to write this today because why not?” scenes amazing and well-written, but they were also clever ideas and very successful people (already working at their craft, PAID, and no one with side jobs at Uber or Starbucks – which is not to insult either of those, but to insinuate that not everyone chooses those careers for life).
And I was just sitting there, eating coffee cake, wondering if I should rewrite a scene where I have my character get stuck in a box. WE CAN’T ALL BE QUENTIN TARANTINO OR ALFRED HITCHCOCK OR NORA EPHRON OR ISSA RAE. SOME OF US HAVE TO BE SOMEONE ELSE THAT YOU’VE MAYBE HEARD OF BUT PROBABLY NOT.
I just realized, quite quickly, that my ideas are not very original, my writing is dialogue-heavy and not very interesting, and I should maybe stick to writing picture books (I can’t draw). What a DAY, PEOPLE. There are some days where I wonder if I was put on this planet to simply take up space and singlehandedly support the restaurant business in Los Angeles. (And disappoint my mother. Lest we forget…)
So now I’m questioning absolutely everything like 1. Should I even be a writer? 2. Do I actually look terrible as a blonde? 3. At what point does it stop being cute that I’m steadily gaining weight? A LOT OF WEIGHT?!? 4. How much Netflix is research and how much is too much? 5. Is there a way to ensure I’m reborn as a dog, but not just any dog, my dog, who is the cutest and gets all the loves and naps and food she wants? 6. BUT, LIKE, FOR REAL: SHOULD I BE A WRITER?
Day 29 – Questions. No answers.