July 30, 2018

Tried to be healthy… Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.

Did I have an anxiety attack today? Why yes, yes I did. Thanks for asking. Do I hate everyone? Yes, yes I do. Thanks for asking. Some days I like people, some days I tolerate them, some days I don’t want to be anywhere near other people. Today was not a good people day.

I tried to get things done. I really did. In the same way Trump tries to not have a hissy fit or Sarah Huckabee Sanders tries not to lie, that’s how hard I tried. In other words, I napped and ate food. Lazy. Not reaching my potential. Not getting what I want. Not making it work. So much more I could be doing and I didn’t do it. I’m disappointed in myself, but I’m mostly disappointed in my easy access to dessert foods and take out places and Amazon one-click purchasing.

Day 50 – Disappointed and Full

July 27, 2018

Ups and downs, baby. Today was a mixed bag of crazy, but in the end, I’m on my couch watching Netflix, so I’m not going to complain.

Oh, by the way, living up to my potential SUCKS. What is with people deciding I have potential? Then I just disappoint them. My mom explained the amount of disappointment today. But I was eating a giant chocolate chip cookie at the time, so all I heard was, “yum, this is so good.” Probably coming from my mouth, but who cares? Life hack.

I remember the glory days when my good grades and hard work and big dreams were rewarded, and I didn’t have to PAY ANY BILLS or WORRY ABOUT REAL LIFE THINGS and then during spring break, SOMEONE ELSE PAID FOR MY VACATION TO HAWAII. Why did I want to grow up so fast? Oh, yeah, living with my family. Well, now I’m being dragged back and there are STILL BILLS and NO VACATIONS so I feel like that did not work out at all in my favor.

I’m not complaining, I’m just saying being an adult is THE WORST. I get the “freedom” to eat whatever I want and do whatever I want. If I can afford it. Which I can’t. So… What exactly did I get out of this? No idea.

Day 47 – Adulting and Potential SUCK

July 13, 2018

Well, wasn’t today just spit on your neck, kick you in the throat fantastic? What age were you when you realized that you were a complete and utter disappointment even though you’d done absolutely everything you could not to be one? You went to college, graduated at the top of your class, worked hard, saved money, made good friends, took care of yourself and then BOOM, one day, it hits you. All the snide remarks. All the random texts your mom sends you with links to jobs like “Amazon Distribution Center Manager” and “Personal Assistant” to someone, you don’t know who.

Doesn’t matter that you have a job. Or that you take care of yourself. Or that you are a writer and that’s what you’re meant to do with your life. All that matters, in case you were wondering, is that you did not become a doctor or a lawyer and so, basically, you failed. Already. I mean, you don’t have kids yet SO OBVIOUSLY YOU SHOULD JUST GIVE UP NOW, YOU’RE USELESS. You don’t have health benefits or a 401k SO WHY EVEN TRY AT ALL ANYMORE?! You also don’t have a specific job that she can brag about to her friends SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY STOP CALLING BECAUSE WE DON’T NEED YOUR FAILURES HERE.

I figured it out a long time ago, forgot, and remembered today. I have somehow been letting her down for years (I believe I started disappointing her in 7th grade when I sat next to a boy to work on a homework assignment AT THE KITCHEN TABLE and she told me later that “it’s not appropriate and real ladies don’t sit with boys like that and what will he think of me?” And I wondered when we landed back in 1850 and told her I didn’t care what he or anyone else thought. That was clearly code for “I’m going to go whore myself out now, see you later.”)

There’s a line in Gilmore Girls, where Lorelai answers the phone to her Mom and says, “Dragonfly Inn, Major Disappointment Speaking.” Nothing has ever resonated with me more.


Day 33 – Disappointing Mom since 1995.