Well, wasn’t today just spit on your neck, kick you in the throat fantastic? What age were you when you realized that you were a complete and utter disappointment even though you’d done absolutely everything you could not to be one? You went to college, graduated at the top of your class, worked hard, saved money, made good friends, took care of yourself and then BOOM, one day, it hits you. All the snide remarks. All the random texts your mom sends you with links to jobs like “Amazon Distribution Center Manager” and “Personal Assistant” to someone, you don’t know who.
Doesn’t matter that you have a job. Or that you take care of yourself. Or that you are a writer and that’s what you’re meant to do with your life. All that matters, in case you were wondering, is that you did not become a doctor or a lawyer and so, basically, you failed. Already. I mean, you don’t have kids yet SO OBVIOUSLY YOU SHOULD JUST GIVE UP NOW, YOU’RE USELESS. You don’t have health benefits or a 401k SO WHY EVEN TRY AT ALL ANYMORE?! You also don’t have a specific job that she can brag about to her friends SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY STOP CALLING BECAUSE WE DON’T NEED YOUR FAILURES HERE.
I figured it out a long time ago, forgot, and remembered today. I have somehow been letting her down for years (I believe I started disappointing her in 7th grade when I sat next to a boy to work on a homework assignment AT THE KITCHEN TABLE and she told me later that “it’s not appropriate and real ladies don’t sit with boys like that and what will he think of me?” And I wondered when we landed back in 1850 and told her I didn’t care what he or anyone else thought. That was clearly code for “I’m going to go whore myself out now, see you later.”)
There’s a line in Gilmore Girls, where Lorelai answers the phone to her Mom and says, “Dragonfly Inn, Major Disappointment Speaking.” Nothing has ever resonated with me more.
I DO NOT WANT TO WORK IN A DISTRIBUTION CENTER. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Day 33 – Disappointing Mom since 1995.
A Year to Grieve 