August 3, 2018

Oh my lord. I just saw “Eighth Grade” and I swear I’ve never had so many feels. All the feels. The actress and storyline are so essentially relatable and loveable and cringy and cute. I laughed, I cried, I remembered all the times kids were mean to me…

Growing up is never easy. Life isn’t fair. Someone said those things to me on repeat as a kid, usually my mom probably, but nothing reminds you so obviously of that fact until you see a cinematic throwback to experiences that mirrored your own to make you sit up and hate/love the person in front of you as you beg her not to make a bad decision.

I don’t think we ever stop growing up. When I look back on me and my decisions a year ago, a week ago, yesterday, I immediately cringe and try to find a hole to go crawl into. I stay up and night and wonder WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD DID I SAY THAT? THAT’S SO EMBARRASSING. And then I think of something I DID that was actually worse than what I said and all I can think is, AND THAT, TOO? CAN YOU JUST BE NORMAL FOR ONCE?

No, no I cannot be. I must be weird, it’s my only option, it seems. I must draw awkward and embarrassing attention to myself. I must relive those moments when I’m trying to sleep and get jolted awake again from the horrible memories. I must push people away with my awkwardness and then wonder why I don’t have any friends. Some people have to keep up their perfect Instagram stories. This is just my cross to bear…

Day 54 – Eighth Grade and Growing Up

July 10, 2018

Dropped my friend off tonight at his house, and as we were having a lovely conversation (bitching about life), my car started going crazy: honking by itself, spewing out some sort of liquid, and then shutting off. It did distract us long enough that we checked it out, but we both decided it couldn’t be that big of a deal, so I drove home. I can’t be bothered.

These are the types of decisions I make when left to my own devices. Who said I could handle things??? THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN I HANDLE THINGS. I watched TV all day, sent two emails vaguely referencing work things, ate dinner with friends, bitched about life, and then when my car decided to do the Electric Slide, I assumed it was fine and just drove on home like AN IDIOT. It didn’t end well (obviously).

At what point does this get easier or make any more sense? A friend of a friend had a rough night and we discussed how anxiety can be debilitating and she was like, “Oh, I don’t have it like you have it. That sounds terrible.” And then I had to think… Should the person I’m trying to comfort actually be comforting me? Do I have any idea what I’m talking about? Any idea what I’m doing? No. No I do not.

Should I take a nap to help me deal with all of this? Yes, yes I should. But first, let me go on Facebook to distract myself, then on Instagram to wonder why I lost 400 followers in a week (and subsequently feel bad about myself… even though my Instagram is MY DOG’S ACCOUNT), and then realize that maybe therapy could save me but more likely they’d be like “You’re too much, please leave, we can’t help you,” followed with lots of food I shouldn’t be eating and a phone call from my Mother reminding me why she hates me to round out the evening. Ahhh what a lovely, relaxing day, said NO ADULT EVER.

Do they make life jackets for actual life, or just for the water?

Day 30 – Adulting within 30 minutes of eating.

July 7, 2018

Aaaand the one from today…

I started watching a new show that has me absolutely fascinated. True crime is my first love, but my second love is a well-made whodunit murder show; even more points if it’s British.

And this one is British and holy hell is it good. They did a fantastic job creating non-stop intrigue and mystery. I was actually on the edge of my seat. That’s a real thing, it turns out.

Today was an actual, genuinely good day. I had a small anxiety attack at the end of the day when I realized there’s some work stuff I need to deal with that I’m not prepared to handle both because I have no idea what I’m doing – trying to keep that from everyone – and because I have no idea how to make this decision that’s time sensitive.

I think that’s the hardest part about being an adult. As a kid, all I wanted was to be able to make my own decisions. To not be dragged on any more hikes in the hottest part of the day in summer with my mom, who refused to tell me how much longer we had to go. To choose my own food, bedtime, work habits, friends, even. To decide for myself what color my walls are and where I take vacation.

Well, isn’t being an adult just a swift kick in the ass?!? I don’t really choose my own food, because I don’t make enough money to fill my fridge. My bedtime is whenever I can finally, momentarily, defeat my insomnia. Work habits are terrible and way worse than they used to be. I have two friends. My walls are white and baby poop green, and chosen by my landlord. I take vacations where my wallet will allow, which is my couch at home. Gone are the days of Hawaiian vacations and lazy summer afternoons and dinner that just appears on the table as if by magic.

Adulting sucks. I only get to make the tough decisions, like which bills I can pay this month and how to keep pretending I have any idea what I’m doing and whether to lie and say I’ve been working out every day or just own the fact that I haven’t left my couch. Decisions suck as well. It’s never Do I get the Mercedes or the Range Rover? And it’s definitely never Do I buy one house or two? It’s just the lesser of two evils, and I constantly pick the wrong one.

So thank goodness for mostly good days. Now to keep pretending I know what I’m doing with my life.

Day 27 – Anxiety, Decisions, but Goodness anyway.