Nothing like completely blowing a good opportunity to remind you that you suck and you’re not moving forward in your career.
I have to say, it did feel GOOD. Even though I stunk up the place, I really, really loved getting to do that. Wasn’t as fun for the audience, that’s for sure, but it was glorious for me. Nervous and poor performance and all. Even bombing felt good.
But it really reminded me of how much work I should be putting in if I’m going to justify being away from the people that I love and not being present in my grief. I ignore it. I distract myself. I deny it. Every once in a while, because I can’t think past it, I live in it, but for the most part, I try to get as far away from it as one can get from their own skin and bones. Which can’t be easily justified or rectified if I’m busy failing at other things. All it really does is remind me. You just set up shop, didn’t you? You think you fucking live here, don’t you? I can’t deny everything that happened. I can’t pretend this isn’t my life. But I can NOT talk about it. Which is what I’m doing. Which is why, when I come home from absolutely destroying opportunities to advance my career, I sit down to a silent reminder from my (traitorous) brain telling me, “you don’t deserve this anyway. You should be somewhere else. You should be helping. You should be sad.”
My brain needs a vacation. Or a chill pill. Or alcohol.
Day 71 – Blowing Opportunities
I got one little nibble today and even though it’s nothing, it’s still toeing the line with SOMETHING ACTUALLY HAPPENING, so I’ll take it. I got a job interview for next week. To actually do something that I want to do. It’s a start, a step. A little part of me wanted to curl up on my couch and ignore it instead (read: a very big part of me), but I didn’t (yet) and I accepted the interview.
I really want waffles and eggs and everything covered in maple syrup – damn you, Parks and Recreation. There’s just something about the way that show deals with breakfast food…
To the important things: I had a mild-medium panic attack today. I have no idea if I’m ever doing the right thing. Work? Grieve? Nap? Move? Stay where I am? Curl up into a ball and cry? Watch comedy? Eat all the ice cream? Move back to Colorado? Keep on the path I’m on? Try something different? LIFE IS SO HARD! Who has the answers to these things? How does anyone ever figure out how to navigate the world correctly? Is there some like secret list of information somewhere that everyone is reading except for me?
I have extreme career anxiety. I believe very strongly in hard work and a good work ethic. BUT SOMEONE HAS TO HIRE ME. Yes, I also have to be a good fit for them. AND YES I have to earn it. Shhhhh, I KNOW.
But every day that goes by that I am not working gives a little caffeine jolt to my anxiety and then I return to the cry-nap-eat cycle I seem to be so fond of. I am amazed I have friends, to be honest.
Day 58 – Life Is Hard
I have spent so much of my life ignoring what I’m really good at. I’ve danced around it. I’ve hung out in its vicinity. I’ve let everything and everyone derail me from it. I’ve ignored my best interests. I’ve gotten in my own way at every single turn. Even when it was obvious that I should stick with it, that I should dig in and try harder, I scared myself off.
It’s not easy to follow your path. It’s not easy to take the difficult path because it’s not like the hardest thing was deciding to do it. Fuck, that was hard. But it’s the every day. It’s continuing down that path that some days seems downright impossible and convincing yourself that it’s not impossible. That you can do it. That it’s somewhere inside you and you have to keep pushing through all the bullshit.
And there is A LOT of bullshit. Like, more bullshit than not bullshit. First, there’s the men in my field. Then, there are the expectations – or lack thereof – depending on the day, because we can’t just PICK ONE OF THOSE, we have to have both of them so I never know what I’m going to get. But worst of all is the way that any little thing is a setback and I have to claw my way back to equilibrium. We’re mostly talking EMOTIONAL equilibrium here, people. A small incident for some registers as nothing, for me it’s Hurricane Katrina and I’m standing alone in the 9th Ward when the levies break.
I get WRECKED when anything sets me back. Family stuff, mostly. But also friend stuff and career stuff and men and a high electricity bill and stubbing my toe and a cashier looking at me weird and making me feel like I must be an ugly, horrible person. Live in this head for a day, people. ONE DAY and you will never laugh at me again. I want you to laugh, actually, so never mind.
It’s goddamn time. I don’t know where to start, don’t get me wrong. I’m not about to jog out into the street Rocky style and defeat the steps of some building downtown. I’m not about to play a motivational song while I take on my enemies and win. I’m not about to get off this couch, even. But I know it’s time to stop with all the excuses or I’ll be old(er) and (more) useless before I know it, still making excuses.
Day 36 – Time.