July 19, 2018

I was a hot damn mess today. Yes, an even messier mess than I usually am. I attempted to do something useful: I applied to and got rejected from several jobs. All in a day’s (unpaid) work…

And then I almost got in about three accidents…. Shhhh don’t tell anyone. It was apparently DRIVE LIKE AN IDIOT DAY here and people would just randomly merge/change lanes into the side of me so I had to either swerve out of their way or brake hard to prevent the accident. Oh, you’ve never celebrated DRIVE LIKE AN IDIOT DAY? Weird.

By the end of the day, after a Scion, Fit, and AN AMBULANCE tried to take me out, I felt a kinship to Carrie Underwood and was just like, JESUS, TAKE THE WHEEL! That must’ve been what happened because despite the terrible traffic and people driving like they were in bumper cars at a county fair after too much hard lemonade and cotton candy, I made it home. Jesus for the win!

But it was early when I made it back. Too early. I had to actually do something with my day (not sure why, but that seems to be a thing), so post-rejection emails, I decided to do laundry, but laundry kind of does itself so I was lost. I watched some Netflix (we’re all shocked, I know). I texted some people job interview questions in case I didn’t get any more… Never mind, in came the last few rejections, so no need to answer how quickly I can learn AVID.

The evening got markedly better, except for the Mexican food I ordered with pollo because I don’t eat red meat and then cue the red meat hidden under my guacamole ruining not only the bowl, but more importantly RUINING MY GUACAMOLE. So many struggles. But you know what I learned? Very little. Don’t eat Mexican food after 9 PM because they hide carne asada in it? Never trust people to know how to merge? Stay home? Stop applying to jobs because it hasn’t happened and it’s been 8 years of searching? These are all great life lessons. I feel really good about myself. Proud, even.

I’m going to go curl up in a ball now.

Day 39 – Staying home > Going out EVERY SINGLE TIME

July 10, 2018

Dropped my friend off tonight at his house, and as we were having a lovely conversation (bitching about life), my car started going crazy: honking by itself, spewing out some sort of liquid, and then shutting off. It did distract us long enough that we checked it out, but we both decided it couldn’t be that big of a deal, so I drove home. I can’t be bothered.

These are the types of decisions I make when left to my own devices. Who said I could handle things??? THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN I HANDLE THINGS. I watched TV all day, sent two emails vaguely referencing work things, ate dinner with friends, bitched about life, and then when my car decided to do the Electric Slide, I assumed it was fine and just drove on home like AN IDIOT. It didn’t end well (obviously).

At what point does this get easier or make any more sense? A friend of a friend had a rough night and we discussed how anxiety can be debilitating and she was like, “Oh, I don’t have it like you have it. That sounds terrible.” And then I had to think… Should the person I’m trying to comfort actually be comforting me? Do I have any idea what I’m talking about? Any idea what I’m doing? No. No I do not.

Should I take a nap to help me deal with all of this? Yes, yes I should. But first, let me go on Facebook to distract myself, then on Instagram to wonder why I lost 400 followers in a week (and subsequently feel bad about myself… even though my Instagram is MY DOG’S ACCOUNT), and then realize that maybe therapy could save me but more likely they’d be like “You’re too much, please leave, we can’t help you,” followed with lots of food I shouldn’t be eating and a phone call from my Mother reminding me why she hates me to round out the evening. Ahhh what a lovely, relaxing day, said NO ADULT EVER.

Do they make life jackets for actual life, or just for the water?

Day 30 – Adulting within 30 minutes of eating.