August 4, 2018

Sometimes I feel like I put effort into things that other people treat like a whatever, bro, no worries type situation and they generally turn out to be correct. I work hard at something or I worry about making sure I’m on time, fulfil my responsibilities, honor my commitments, do the work, and truly give it my all when other people are just, like, I’ll do it later if I remember and then they don’t and THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES.

None. None consequences. But I don’t know any other way to be. I don’t know how to be un-committed to things or chill about literally anything or do half-ass work and not completely stress and lose sleep over it when other people seem to have NO ANXIETY WHATSOEVER about these things and they are no worse off for it. BUT I HAVE NO CHILL. NONE. I was taught that it matters in school and in life that you give it your all 100% of the time, when, in actuality, it seems like it doesn’t much matter and those people get just as far IF NOT MUCH, MUCH FARTHER in life without that same level of responsibility and work ethic.

I always come back to this idea. No matter how sad or how down or how worthless I feel, I know that I am always going to outwork anyone else on the job. The problem is, I’m not the one who gets the job in the first place. It’s the person who didn’t worry, and kind of did some of it last minute, and mostly just winged it who got the opportunity. What the actual fuck, life? WHAT? No one told me this is how it would go.

I guess it’s the whole: The good die young. Life isn’t fair.

Day 55 – I Have No Chill

July 30, 2018

Tried to be healthy… Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.

Did I have an anxiety attack today? Why yes, yes I did. Thanks for asking. Do I hate everyone? Yes, yes I do. Thanks for asking. Some days I like people, some days I tolerate them, some days I don’t want to be anywhere near other people. Today was not a good people day.

I tried to get things done. I really did. In the same way Trump tries to not have a hissy fit or Sarah Huckabee Sanders tries not to lie, that’s how hard I tried. In other words, I napped and ate food. Lazy. Not reaching my potential. Not getting what I want. Not making it work. So much more I could be doing and I didn’t do it. I’m disappointed in myself, but I’m mostly disappointed in my easy access to dessert foods and take out places and Amazon one-click purchasing.

Day 50 – Disappointed and Full

July 29, 2018

Every once in a while, you have a day where you are reinvigorated to continue to pursue your dream and/or wake up tomorrow at a normal time and actually brush your teeth and perhaps interact with other humans. One or the other. Am I right? I had one of those days today. Something happened that reminded me that this life is definitely the one that I am (unfortunately) going to have to continue to pursue BECAUSE I HATE/LOVE IT AND IT HATE/LOVES ME BACK. And THEN I was reminded that my career choice is also the reason for 95% of my anxiety. So… winning all around.

Also, side note, I like to eat chocolate after 11 PM on top of the two other desserts I had. I like to take naps on my couch. I like to re-watch shows on Netflix that most people wouldn’t even watch once. I like to talk about working out but rarely do it because it’s time consuming and boring and difficult and finding parking in LA is like finding a needle in a haystack and it makes me want to murder people. I like to eat pasta, in fact I like to eat all the pasta I can find. I like to turn on as many fans as possible and point them directly at my face because I sweat a lot and I seriously hate the heat. I like to write at night when it’s quiet and no one can annoy me. I like to cuddle with my puppy but I hate taking her for walks because she’s a terrible walker, it’s hot out, and I don’t want to be where the people are. I like to drink coffee in the morning because I can put a lot of creamer and sugar in it, not because I like the taste, which is like dirty, bitter water. I like to hint to people that I need help getting more writing jobs, but I hate using my friendships to get them so I kind of casually mention them while acting like it’s not a big deal and downplaying my talent and basically talking them out of helping me, even for free, even at all. I like to wait until it’s too late to do my laundry and then the laundry machines are full all day on the day I decide to do it, leaving me with no clean underwear. I like to be out of quarters as well when I finally DO try to do my laundry. I like to check my phone every few seconds to see if anyone has texted or called while also hating everyone and hoping no one has texted or called; when I see that no one has, I like to be devastated that I don’t have any friends and mope around for a while before eating my feelings in the shape of desserts. I like to talk myself out of being good enough for jobs and then when I get so tired of doing this, I like to fall asleep on my couch with my head at an awkward angle on the pillow so my neck hurts all night. AAAAND rinse and repeat. I’m a treat to be around.

None of those things take away from the fact that I did, actually, feel reenergized about the passion I have for my career, even if it didn’t in any way clarify how I’m supposed to get there or motivate me to do anything other than sit on my couch. Still… A good day overall.

Day 49 – Things I like and Pursuing My Dreams

July 18, 2018

Late at night, when I’m lying in bed, I like to replay all the mistakes I’ve ever made in my entire life on loop, and feel embarrassed about them all over again. Do you ever do that? I still cringe about something I did when I was 4, and then more things when I was a teenager, and still more things that I do every single day.

It’s like this endless cycle of things I wish I’d said as an angry retort at some point during the day – like when that lady cut me in line at the store I wanted to say “Fuck off, you entitled piece of shit. You are not better than me, so stand in line like I’ve been doing before I make you,” or someone in a skirt yelled out to me that I look like a man, I wish I’d said, “I still look better as a man in a skirt than you do as a woman in one”…Or something much better and wittier – so a series of things I wish I’d said to idiots throughout the day, and then a reminder of one very embarrassing thing I did at some point in my life, followed by a flashback of one VERY embarrassing thing I did at some point in my life, pursued closely by one VERY EMBARRASSING thing I did fairly recently until I’ve convinced myself that all I do is embarrassing things and I’m never leaving my bed or my house again. And once that thought is complete, I remember the LADY at the STORE…

I cringe at myself for the things I’ve written before, the angsty teenager that I was, the dumb things I’ve said or done over the years (usually with the best of intentions) until all I can do is hope that everyone else hates themselves as much as I do or that there’s a magical pill out there in the world that can stop this loop but not actually kill me. Are there people out there who live without anxiety? Who don’t hate themselves and everything they’ve ever said or done? Come at me, bro.

That is not me. I am cringing about 10 different things as I write this. I’m very capable of cringe-typing multitasking.

Day 38 – Embarrassment runs amok.

July 16, 2018

It’s time.

I have spent so much of my life ignoring what I’m really good at. I’ve danced around it. I’ve hung out in its vicinity. I’ve let everything and everyone derail me from it. I’ve ignored my best interests. I’ve gotten in my own way at every single turn. Even when it was obvious that I should stick with it, that I should dig in and try harder, I scared myself off.

It’s not easy to follow your path. It’s not easy to take the difficult path because it’s not like the hardest thing was deciding to do it. Fuck, that was hard. But it’s the every day. It’s continuing down that path that some days seems downright impossible and convincing yourself that it’s not impossible. That you can do it. That it’s somewhere inside you and you have to keep pushing through all the bullshit.

And there is A LOT of bullshit. Like, more bullshit than not bullshit. First, there’s the men in my field. Then, there are the expectations – or lack thereof – depending on the day, because we can’t just PICK ONE OF THOSE, we have to have both of them so I never know what I’m going to get. But worst of all is the way that any little thing is a setback and I have to claw my way back to equilibrium. We’re mostly talking EMOTIONAL equilibrium here, people. A small incident for some registers as nothing, for me it’s Hurricane Katrina and I’m standing alone in the 9^th Ward when the levies break.

I get WRECKED when anything sets me back. Family stuff, mostly. But also friend stuff and career stuff and men and a high electricity bill and stubbing my toe and a cashier looking at me weird and making me feel like I must be an ugly, horrible person. Live in this head for a day, people. ONE DAY and you will never laugh at me again. I want you to laugh, actually, so never mind.

It’s goddamn time. I don’t know where to start, don’t get me wrong. I’m not about to jog out into the street Rocky style and defeat the steps of some building downtown. I’m not about to play a motivational song while I take on my enemies and win. I’m not about to get off this couch, even. But I know it’s time to stop with all the excuses or I’ll be old(er) and (more) useless before I know it, still making excuses.

Day 36 – Time.

July 14, 2018

I’m very sensitive to people’s perceived feelings. Let’s not confuse that with ACTUAL feelings. I don’t know what they’re really feeling – I ask, but I don’t believe them if they say anything logical (I’m tired) or nice (I’m fine…I love you). I just know what I THINK/I’ve DECIDED they’re feeling based on conversations, texts, facial expressions, lack of conversations or texts, and overall impressions of their presence.

As in, I always think people are mad at me/hate me. So, I never assume their faces or voices or texting habits are indicative of their love for me or convey how much they enjoy my company. I assume a text that doesn’t come through with an excited, over-the-top, positive (and long) response to everything I’ve just said means that the person (guy) is mad at me. It’s not always a guy, actually. Sometimes it’s my friends. I basically just assume the worst all the time. You know? IF YOU DON’T REPLY TO MY TEXTS RIGHT AWAY WITH COMMENTARY/RESPONSES TO EVERYTHING I’VE JUST SAID, YOU ARE MAD AT ME AND I DID SOMETHING HORRIBLE AND YOU WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME. Right?

For example, if someone is busy (AND I KNOW THEY’RE BUSY), but it takes them a while to respond? They hate me. If someone is at work, but yesterday they could respond when they were at work and today they’re not saying anything? They never want to see me again. If someone answers the phone sounding tired, or starts yawning at any point EVEN IF IT’S THREE AM? They don’t want to talk to me anymore, ever. If someone smiles at me, but it seems like a “tolerating” smile instead of an “I love and adore you” smile? They want to leave and they’re going to ghost me immediately.

Don’t even get me started on excuses like “my phone died” or “I saw your text but couldn’t respond” or “I’m at a party, I’ll call you later.” EVEN IF THEY CALL LATER… They’re over me and have already started ghosting. Can you imagine what happens to me if they actually do ghost? It’s a nightmare. The spiral begins.

You do not want to live in this head. It’s a terrible place.

Day 34 – And so the anxiety begins…

July 10, 2018

Dropped my friend off tonight at his house, and as we were having a lovely conversation (bitching about life), my car started going crazy: honking by itself, spewing out some sort of liquid, and then shutting off. It did distract us long enough that we checked it out, but we both decided it couldn’t be that big of a deal, so I drove home. I can’t be bothered.

These are the types of decisions I make when left to my own devices. Who said I could handle things??? THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN I HANDLE THINGS. I watched TV all day, sent two emails vaguely referencing work things, ate dinner with friends, bitched about life, and then when my car decided to do the Electric Slide, I assumed it was fine and just drove on home like AN IDIOT. It didn’t end well (obviously).

At what point does this get easier or make any more sense? A friend of a friend had a rough night and we discussed how anxiety can be debilitating and she was like, “Oh, I don’t have it like you have it. That sounds terrible.” And then I had to think… Should the person I’m trying to comfort actually be comforting me? Do I have any idea what I’m talking about? Any idea what I’m doing? No. No I do not.

Should I take a nap to help me deal with all of this? Yes, yes I should. But first, let me go on Facebook to distract myself, then on Instagram to wonder why I lost 400 followers in a week (and subsequently feel bad about myself… even though my Instagram is MY DOG’S ACCOUNT), and then realize that maybe therapy could save me but more likely they’d be like “You’re too much, please leave, we can’t help you,” followed with lots of food I shouldn’t be eating and a phone call from my Mother reminding me why she hates me to round out the evening. Ahhh what a lovely, relaxing day, said NO ADULT EVER.

Do they make life jackets for actual life, or just for the water?

Day 30 – Adulting within 30 minutes of eating.

June 30, 2018

I did my best today. I left the house. That’s big, you guys. I took an actual shower with water and soap and everything. I washed my goddamn hair, people. It’s probably the most effort I’ve put into anything in a while.

I put on pants. Well, no, I put on a dress (that was actually a nightgown but I don’t think anyone could tell… or at least no one said anything, which is the same thing in my opinion). So I put on my sleepwear and some booties and I threw my hair in a bun (effort was done) and I walked out the door. Seriously the most I’ve done in a long time.

I got dinner with a few friends, but they refused to seat us at first because we didn’t have a reservation (they had more than 20 tables open – yes, I counted because I’m petty and then complained about it to my friends until they sat us because I’m really petty). We finally ordered, at which time they brought me the wrong food, then forgot my new order, then spilled coffee on me/the table, then charged us for drinks we didn’t buy, then told one of my friends there weren’t nuts in his dessert (he’s severely allergic) until he’d already eaten part of it, then they came back and said it did have nuts, did he want a different one NEVER MIND HE’S DYING – and still charged us for it.

I almost gave up then because I ALREADY DID SO MUCH but I’d told another friend I’d go to a birthday party with her. I went at 9 PM because I am not waiting in lines nor am I going out past midnight hello I’m not 20. So we got there and chatted before it got too loud to do anything other than say “what?” 1,000 times and pay too much money for watered down lime with ice. It was amazing, actually, to spend time with this friend. I felt like I’d made an alright choice…

Until the place filled up and I started sweating from all the nasty body heat and still the birthday girl wasn’t there and by the time she showed up THREE HOURS LATE – AT MIDNIGHT – I had done my due diligence so I left and had a nice chat with my Lyft driver on the way home. Honestly, I normally believe silence is the best policy in a ride share, but he was really cool plus I’d had such a social evening I figured I’d get it all out tonight so I don’t have to talk to anyone again for another month.

Day 20 – Saw other humans and was social. Big day.

June 26, 2018

Denial, Day 2

“You used to do your hair. What happened? Why don’t you do it anymore?” Mom, 5:37 PM, her car. As if I never do my hair. Like I just have a rat’s nest on top of my head and walk around proudly shunning normal human behavior.

I wanted to tell her that if she has nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything, as this is the advice I have received my entire life when I tried to share MY opinions. However, before I could say anything, she followed up her previous statement with, “I like this dress better on you. The other one looks like a bag.”

I let that sink in. I replied, “Why don’t you let me ask you for your opinions sometimes instead of giving them randomly, when I don’t want them at all?”

And she said, and I quote, “I don’t know. I just assumed you needed to know it looks like you’re wearing a bag.” Oh, okay then. Thanks, I guess.

We spent the day eating and watching murder. I also went to the dentist and made awkward conversation with the dental assistant about Prairie Dogs while she put a poky device and a small mirror in my mouth. (I could see Prairie Dogs outside the window, for the record. Didn’t make it any less awkward or mumble-y.)

True crime is our go-to show to watch. I don’t know what that says about me, except that if I murder someone, I will definitely get away with it. Except now that I’ve written this post. Now I won’t. Shame, because I really do have a good way to cover it up. Oh well, guess no murdering anyone.

Day 16 – Mom’s endless opinions and not dealing with my problems.

June 23, 2018

I’m currently sitting in the hallway of a hotel because my friend doesn’t like the light from my computer (which I turned away from her). And it’s not that I can’t or don’t understand her concern, but she and her boyfriend had played video games on their individual Switches for an hour before deciding they were going to bed, so apparently everyone should be going to bed, and now light is annoying.

It’s not that I’m complaining (I am); it’s just that I find it really annoying, but also I feel anxious about it. I try to be as accommodating as possible to other people. You are freezing cold but I’m so hot I feel like I’m melting? That’s okay, turn off the AC. You want to get up at 6 am, but I’m exhausted and want sleep? That’s okay, I’ll get up. You want to skip breakfast because you ate a big dinner? That’s fine, I’ll ignore my body when it enters starvation mode.

Yes, I am being sarcastic, obviously. I hate it. I really do all those things. I sacrifice myself to be accommodating to other people. But I don’t do it very willingly. I make snide remarks. I remind them that I did it. I mention how hot, tired, hungry I am on repeat until you want to kill me. But I still insist on doing the accommodating thing.

So tonight when my friend got annoyed at the light from my computer, I stepped out into the hallway to write there, and promptly locked myself out. But if light keeps her awake, knocking on the door will certainly do so. Thus, my conundrum. Thus, the opportunity to think about how I will be seeing my mother in less than 48 hours. I was originally ignoring this fact. But when it’s just you and the hallway lights of the hotel and some questionable carpet you’re currently sitting on, your thoughts drift to your mother. Freud would be so proud (or just vindicated). I will be sitting at her kitchen table, being asked why I didn’t wash my hair or why my clothes look like that or why I gained weight or how come I’m not dating that cute neighbor boy from when I was 7 and he used to throw things at me. 44 hours and counting…

Day 13 – Stressed, anxious, and locked out, alone, in a hallway.