August 29, 2018

Well… I took it. I am apparently employed. It feels weird since it’s been so long, I’ve had the worst search experience, and I don’t think I want it.

But it could be good. I guess. I think I’m supposed to get excited about it and see it for all the possibilities. So I will go ahead and do that.

I feel terrible about the implications to my family and my relationship. Those are the hardest things for me. I feel like I’m supposed to be in 20 places at once. Now I will only be in one place: Work. Ugh. We need to re-evaluate our society’s priorities.

My future boss was really excited to tell me that I would have my own desk AND phone. Well, then, can I start sooner??? Because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t even NEED money anymore.

Day 80 – Work Work Work Work Work Work

August 18, 2018

I had a great time with friends tonight and simultaneously realized I am 95 years old on the inside and want to be home in pajamas by 10. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN???

I genuinely tried to talk my friends out of going out after we watched THE LION KING in the park like children. We ended up going out. It was lovely, but I swear to you the minute one of my friends yawned, I pointed at her and was like, “YES” then said I felt the same and was ready to go. I left before her.

On another note, I think sometimes people don’t live up to our expectations, however low we feel they are, and it can be really hard to accept and navigate. I give 100% to every thing I do. If I commit to a project, a person, a lifestyle, a sport, an activity, to help someone with something, etc. I will go to the ends of the earth to be successful at it. Apparently, not everyone is like that. I feel pretty frustrated by this realization because even though no one has to be AS committed as I am, I cannot believe people want to half-ass things or agree to do something but not really do it. WHAT? Don’t agree to it. People are counting on you. Don’t accept responsibilities. Don’t pursue a difficult career. Don’t claim you’ll do something. If you are a flaky, non-committal, irresponsible, half-assing, low-effort, inconsiderate, unreliable person, don’t agree to anything with any other humans. People deserve to be able to count on others, however large or small that thing is. I know that it might seem easier to agree sometimes and then work out the excuses later, but that’s crap and also only works when you’re low on the invite list to an acquaintance’s party where they won’t notice your absence.

Honestly. I want to be able to count on other people. I know we’re taught to look out for ourselves, but it’s in everyone’s best interest to be present and to follow through. Everyone wins. I cannot see a downside. BE A PERSON. SHOW THE FUCK UP. That is all.

Day 69 – Unreliable People and Pajamas

August 4, 2018

Sometimes I feel like I put effort into things that other people treat like a whatever, bro, no worries type situation and they generally turn out to be correct. I work hard at something or I worry about making sure I’m on time, fulfil my responsibilities, honor my commitments, do the work, and truly give it my all when other people are just, like, I’ll do it later if I remember and then they don’t and THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES.

None. None consequences. But I don’t know any other way to be. I don’t know how to be un-committed to things or chill about literally anything or do half-ass work and not completely stress and lose sleep over it when other people seem to have NO ANXIETY WHATSOEVER about these things and they are no worse off for it. BUT I HAVE NO CHILL. NONE. I was taught that it matters in school and in life that you give it your all 100% of the time, when, in actuality, it seems like it doesn’t much matter and those people get just as far IF NOT MUCH, MUCH FARTHER in life without that same level of responsibility and work ethic.

I always come back to this idea. No matter how sad or how down or how worthless I feel, I know that I am always going to outwork anyone else on the job. The problem is, I’m not the one who gets the job in the first place. It’s the person who didn’t worry, and kind of did some of it last minute, and mostly just winged it who got the opportunity. What the actual fuck, life? WHAT? No one told me this is how it would go.

I guess it’s the whole: The good die young. Life isn’t fair.

Day 55 – I Have No Chill

August 2, 2018

We have a very weird divide in the US, maybe in the whole world: you are either street smart, or you are book smart. I thought I bridged that gap. I’m all book-reading and navigating the world like a boss. An unemployed boss.

But then I realized that I both undersold and oversold myself. I AM both of those things, but I’m not the best ever and I can learn a thing or two. And I AM book smart, but that doesn’t seem to matter as much in real life. I am NOT (yet) Life Smart.

I am very Life Dumb. I am motivated when someone gives me a specific task, but I have to be in charge. So that works when you’re the lead in the play, or the director, in school and you have a specific task, but that task is to be the greatest badass boss lady around. If I am given an essay assignment and one person gets to present their essay, you better bet I will write the best essay around and win that spot. Someone needs to sacrifice their own tennis match so that another team can be captained because they have a better shot at the championship? Well, how about I win my match right now and then go captain? I’m on it.

But real life doesn’t seem to work this way. You are either your own boss, in which case all tasks and successes and pay checks are up to you, or you work for a company/corporation, in which case you do whatever narrow job you’re given with very little autonomy and hope you someday get to move up the ladder.

What about those of us who fall somewhere in between? I haven’t figured out what that job is yet, but I want it. I am book smart, I am street smart, but I am TERRIBLE at the other stuff. Motivation? I don’t know. I want a team to work with, I want to be the captain/boss of that team, and I want someone to give me some structure or guidance about what to do next. SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME STRUCTURE!!!

Day 53 – Boss Lady Fails

June 29, 2018

I had a conversation with my friend today, and after watching me practically fall apart in the passenger seat next to her for no apparently reason, she told me it’s time to let go and be free. Right now – and for the last two years – I have been doing what feels to me to be things exclusively for other people. And I have been burying my own needs and mental health concerns underneath all of that. That is NOT to say I haven’t had plenty of selfish moments because to be honest, I have them far more often than I want to admit. But I do a lot to make other people happy/not mad at me/not disappoint them, and it’s starting to take its toll.

Or else, I suppose, I wouldn’t have been crying in a Prius. Actually, there’s probably plenty of reasons to cry in a Prius, but that isn’t what happened tonight. Tonight, I realized I can’t make everyone happy.

Other people’s expectations, man. It’s hard to live up to them and it’s hard to be responsible for them. You know what I’d do on a dream day? I’d wake up early, play tennis, eat (obviously), go to rehearsal all day for a show that I wrote, do stand-up comedy at night, eat intermittently throughout all of that, spend time with friends, and go to bed with the person I love and my dog because my dog is the cutest. Yes, she is, and no, yours is not cuter or better in any way.

At no point in my dream day would I have to live up to anyone’s expectations of me or feel like I’m failing anyone or in any way feel the constant guilt I feel that I’m not what I’m “supposed” to be. Because, for real, I literally want to eat and hang out with friends and travel and do comedy and write and be on stage and cuddle with my awesome dog and the love of my life. Why do we want more than that? That, to me, is success. So why can’t it ever be that simple? I know life is hard, trust me. I know I’m acting idealistic and unrealistic. But, seriously, if people didn’t have so many expectations, I could have all of that free of judgment and guilt.

Also, I should probably see a therapist, but that’s a thought for another day.

Day 29 – Other people’s expectations suck.

June 19, 2018

One of my friends, Molly, asked me to cover for her at a workshop. It has been a hot minute since I’ve done any real, tangible work related to my career goals, so I jumped at the chance. But I had to play it cool, so I was like “ugh, when and where is it?” But then I got worried she’d find someone else so I followed that up immediately with, “but yes I’m going to do it no problem doesn’t matter where or when should I go now and stake the place out?”

This got me thinking about Molly. She’s incredibly good at keeping busy with workshops and screenings and filming… She flies to London, then back to LA to have a meeting or shoot a scene or attend a VIP event, then to the Bay Area, then back to London, then back to LA, all while maintaining a successful career. And I just put it together (because I have time, sitting here on my couch) that she makes all of this happen for herself. Basically, she hustles. I’m a bad hustler because I’m immediately concerned that people won’t like me and I am not good enough and I don’t know if I have enough to offer and when they ask “so what are you working on?” all casual and sweet and I will be like “bingeing shows on Netflix and working my way through a Ben&Jerry’s pint,” they won’t see me as an actual candidate (my fault, yes) so then I get all nervous and don’t go. The thing is, I know I have a lot to offer. But if you have to discuss your resume every time and then that gets you discounted because they want you to say “I wrote Book of Mormon” or I am a cast member on SNL – and you can’t say those things YET – then they immediately discount you and move on. But how are you ever supposed to get those things ONTO YOUR RESUME IF PEOPLE DISCOUNT YOU BEFORE KNOWING WHAT YOUR SKILLS ARE??? Sorry for yelling. It’s a tough world out there with all these Catch-22s. And all this debilitating anxiety.

But I don’t think Molly has any anxiety. Like, none at all. She just has confidence. Maybe she’s an alien.

I haven’t even been diagnosed. But, like, do you need an actual diagnosis when you’re breathing into a paper bag? Do you need a professional to tell you you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder when you’re picturing terrible things happening all the time and have constant knots in your stomach and worry about everyone and everything? No. No you do not. I can tell when I have a headache. I can tell when I have a cold. I can tell that I have anxiety. But I would like a solution for it that requires no effort and doesn’t necessitate going to see said professional, because that makes me anxious and then I won’t go/won’t do it. Possible? Yes? Does anyone out there know this anxiety life?

Day Nine – Anxious

June 17, 2018

I skipped a trip to Vegas partially because I felt bad that I hadn’t seen certain friends of mine for a while. But then they ended up working all day today so… I spent the entire day on my couch. Oh, until I went to Complete Foods to get cookies and brownies saying to myself “I’ll eat one today and one tomorrow,” and then ate two brownies and three cookies and now here we are.

Instead of doing something useful, I watched a documentary, then a romantic comedy, then more Parks and Recreation. And ate junk food. I don’t know how to do this right.

I called my dad for Father’s Day and he complained and talked a lot and then hung up on me when he got out of the car because “I don’t know how to get the dang thing off my car once I’m talking on it.”

The movie I watched was about a woman who is a writer who struggles to get her work seen and find love. But of course, within one hour of watching time and one month of movie time, that all changes. Love, work, friendship, success, career satisfaction, and the meaning of life all get worked out in one movie month and it’s, you know, a little disheartening to realize that if I were just a movie character instead of a real person, my shit would get figured out a whole lot faster.

But for some reason I have to figure out my own shit. What a crock. No one tells you about that. When I was a kid, no one sat me down and said, “hey, when you move out of here, you’ll have to pay for literally everything yourself, you cannot actually do anything you set your mind to (people have to hire you and to get hired, that’s called nepotism), and success is but a construct that everyone else you know will fulfill except you. Oh, and someone will invent Facebook and Instagram and people will start to pretend they’re perfect so you’ll get to contend with that. Good luck.”

I made a pizza, a to-do list, and washed dishes today. I also put on real pants (leggings). Where’s my gold star?

I checked my steps counter on my phone. 1700 steps. That’s not even a mile.

Day Seven – Well, I cried at a clip of someone singing on America’s Got Talent. If that tells you anything…

June 16, 2018

I did an Escape Room tonight. The fact that I’m trying to literally escape my life is not lost on me. We did not succeed, which cuts me to my very core. I’m unfathomably competitive and more than slightly controlling, so it wasn’t easy for me to “fail.” Plus, I’d just love to have some wins these days, you know? I’d love to just win. A lot. At everything. Skee-Ball? I want to win at that. Bowling? I want to win at that. Escape rooms? My career? Getting my dream job? Family? Finding a parking place near where I’m going? Life? I’d like to win at all of these things.

The theme was Master of Illusion. A magic theme. It was awesome in that sense and not awesome in the other sense, the one where they had a word translated from Russian to English incorrectly so it gave us the wrong instruction so we couldn’t get that part of the clue correct. I’m not bitter. You’re bitter. (Also, I’m bitter.)

I just wanted to succeed, you know? Sometimes I just want to succeed. Even a dumb, small, nonsense success would be nice for a change. I am in desperate need of a few things going right – including but not limited to when I got breakfast with friends today and they were out of every single thing I tried to order and then didn’t bring me the one thing they said they had. By the end of breakfast, I still hadn’t gotten it, so I gave up. I failed at ordering breakfast. I should’ve known it was a stay-home-and-curl-up-in-a-ball kind of day.

Also, I was brushing my teeth with an electric toothbrush and took it out of my mouth for some unknown reason while it was still going and all of the toothpaste vibrated off the brush onto my shirt. And neck. So my once gray shirt is now completely speckled with white toothpaste. Which I tried to wipe off and consequently spread all over into larger, more permanent stains.

Day Six – World 5, Me 0.