September 15, 2018

I spent the day helping my friend move. He has helped me move no fewer than 4 times. I have helped him move 0 times. (He’s never moved…calm self.)

I hated every damn second of it. When I moved, I had approximately 1,000,000 things to move and he helped me do it without complaining even once. He had: a bed, dresser, box of clothes, some little knickknacks, shoes in a suitcase, a few board games, and a bookshelf. You would have thought based on my annoyance and exhaustion that he had as many things as I have. Not even close. AND we had help. AND I barely did anything. I complained when he asked me to make his bed while he carried in other items from the U-haul. I sighed and moaned when I had to take the clothes out of the garment bags, and not just leave them there. I almost hyperventilated when he asked me to go through one of the boxes when I was just uselessly sitting on the floor pretending to be useful. How dare he?!?

My instinct is to blame how overall tired I am from being sad all the damn time. Sadness takes a lot out of you. I imagine it’s similar to hatred/anger. I wouldn’t know, because I feel them both simultaneously, so I can’t tell them apart. It is exhausting to be wrecked from sadness, though.

I have almost no patience for anyone or anything. I get upset when people ask things of me or expect a normal level of participation/help/being present/caring/showing up. So I “helped” my friend move but really I wanted to sleep in the corner and believe I was anywhere else, living someone else’s life.

Not moving that stupid, heavy dresser with its stupid, heavy clothes and its stupid, heavy expectations that I be normal.

Day 97 – Just be normal

September 13, 2018

Well, I suck. What can I say? I keep missing days.

I felt good today. Useful, productive, dare I say – happy?!? I like the people at my job and the work keeps me distracted for the most part. I left work feeling like I’d actually done something with my day, had some fun interactions, and then had the evening free to do whatever I wanted (TV and food, obviously).

Am I forgetting? Am I a bad person? I felt relieved. I could breathe. Now that I realize this, it’s all gone.

Should I be grieving? Is this part of grieving?

I feel bad that I felt good. I’m ashamed.

Day 95 – Less grief, then more grief

September 6, 2018

I love organization, planning, and being a day behind in posting my blog. Not sure why. Just seems to be what keeps happening. Maybe this time it was because I am in the heart of the stress and grief, maybe it was because I got distracted watching TV and drinking chai tea, or maybe it was because when I’m in a disorganized, chaotic situation, I can’t think straight and I just end up shutting down like a robot with an “off” switch. Do they still have “off” switches? Do they still call them robots, or have we moved on to the more popular term AI?

Am I 100 years old?

Does anyone else feel that constant worried feeling in their stomach, followed by headaches, stomach aches, heart pounding, and insomnia? NO? Cool, me neither. I think sometimes that I’m very lucky I found someone who loves me despite this. I also think sometimes that I should probably go live by myself (and my dog, obviously) on an island somewhere and not interact with other humans.

Day 88 – Late as usual

August 17, 2018

Did I get out of pajamas today? Yes. Did I leave my house? Also, yes. BUT – I left for no more than 40 minutes (to go to the grocery store) and I changed from pajamas into workout clothes so when I sat on the couch, I felt better about myself. So.

There are definitely days where I feel more like my old self, and today was somewhat that day. But I was done by 2:30 PM. I tried to keep my spirits up, but it’s hard when I want to be successful and productive, but I find myself focusing on how sad I am. How do I change my focus? I usually use cake and cookies, but I’m trying not to do that right now. SO HOW DO OTHER PEOPLE DO IT? How does anyone focus on the good rather than the debilitating sadness? I swear I feel like I’m trying my best, but it doesn’t seem to be working all that well.

On a happier note, I did three crosswords last night before I fell asleep on the couch. Is that a happier note? Unclear, but maybe it’s a small win.

Day 68 – Trying My Best

August 14, 2018

Another tough day. When will it get easier? When will I be able to function normally again? Ever?

I tried to write today but couldn’t due to stressful circumstances and the endless grief. Then I tried to watch Netflix to distract myself, but instead bit off all my fingernails that I’d finally grown out and ate a bag of Milanos. Wouldn’t want to stop there, so I also ate half a baguette and drank 5 glasses of iced tea and a bag of Smart Food, THEN I finally put on a bra at 8 PM to leave the house and realized I haven’t showered in 4 days. I left anyway.

Grief is hard. It’s very distracting and emotionally draining and devastating and makes it nearly impossible to do anything useful with your time. I’m supposed to have a script done by tomorrow, but I can’t focus on it and just keep randomly cutting out lines of dialogue or deleting sections or adding new ones in that don’t make sense and don’t fit. So I took an appropriate-length 30 page script and turned it into 40 pages and then got distracted by cookies and stress.

Day 65 – Grief Sucks

August 2, 2018

We have a very weird divide in the US, maybe in the whole world: you are either street smart, or you are book smart. I thought I bridged that gap. I’m all book-reading and navigating the world like a boss. An unemployed boss.

But then I realized that I both undersold and oversold myself. I AM both of those things, but I’m not the best ever and I can learn a thing or two. And I AM book smart, but that doesn’t seem to matter as much in real life. I am NOT (yet) Life Smart.

I am very Life Dumb. I am motivated when someone gives me a specific task, but I have to be in charge. So that works when you’re the lead in the play, or the director, in school and you have a specific task, but that task is to be the greatest badass boss lady around. If I am given an essay assignment and one person gets to present their essay, you better bet I will write the best essay around and win that spot. Someone needs to sacrifice their own tennis match so that another team can be captained because they have a better shot at the championship? Well, how about I win my match right now and then go captain? I’m on it.

But real life doesn’t seem to work this way. You are either your own boss, in which case all tasks and successes and pay checks are up to you, or you work for a company/corporation, in which case you do whatever narrow job you’re given with very little autonomy and hope you someday get to move up the ladder.

What about those of us who fall somewhere in between? I haven’t figured out what that job is yet, but I want it. I am book smart, I am street smart, but I am TERRIBLE at the other stuff. Motivation? I don’t know. I want a team to work with, I want to be the captain/boss of that team, and I want someone to give me some structure or guidance about what to do next. SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME STRUCTURE!!!

Day 53 – Boss Lady Fails

July 30, 2018

Tried to be healthy… Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.

Did I have an anxiety attack today? Why yes, yes I did. Thanks for asking. Do I hate everyone? Yes, yes I do. Thanks for asking. Some days I like people, some days I tolerate them, some days I don’t want to be anywhere near other people. Today was not a good people day.

I tried to get things done. I really did. In the same way Trump tries to not have a hissy fit or Sarah Huckabee Sanders tries not to lie, that’s how hard I tried. In other words, I napped and ate food. Lazy. Not reaching my potential. Not getting what I want. Not making it work. So much more I could be doing and I didn’t do it. I’m disappointed in myself, but I’m mostly disappointed in my easy access to dessert foods and take out places and Amazon one-click purchasing.

Day 50 – Disappointed and Full

July 17, 2018

I missed this one. I am trying to hold myself accountable and without thinking, I missed it. Someone once told me that if you do something for 21 days straight, it builds up a habit and you’ll keep doing it, yet 37 days in, I missed a post without thinking.

I am so bad at holding myself accountable. I can do it later or Meh, what’s one more day? or No one will notice so it doesn’t matter runs through my head like Trump runs through lies. I am extremely motivated and hard-working, but on the other side of the coin, I tend to give myself slack. Excuses. Second and third chances. If I don’t hold myself accountable and make myself do things, who will? No one will care about my life and success as much as I do, but I let myself slide all the time. Embarrassing.

Day 37 – Mistakes were made.

July 19, 2018

I was a hot damn mess today. Yes, an even messier mess than I usually am. I attempted to do something useful: I applied to and got rejected from several jobs. All in a day’s (unpaid) work…

And then I almost got in about three accidents…. Shhhh don’t tell anyone. It was apparently DRIVE LIKE AN IDIOT DAY here and people would just randomly merge/change lanes into the side of me so I had to either swerve out of their way or brake hard to prevent the accident. Oh, you’ve never celebrated DRIVE LIKE AN IDIOT DAY? Weird.

By the end of the day, after a Scion, Fit, and AN AMBULANCE tried to take me out, I felt a kinship to Carrie Underwood and was just like, JESUS, TAKE THE WHEEL! That must’ve been what happened because despite the terrible traffic and people driving like they were in bumper cars at a county fair after too much hard lemonade and cotton candy, I made it home. Jesus for the win!

But it was early when I made it back. Too early. I had to actually do something with my day (not sure why, but that seems to be a thing), so post-rejection emails, I decided to do laundry, but laundry kind of does itself so I was lost. I watched some Netflix (we’re all shocked, I know). I texted some people job interview questions in case I didn’t get any more… Never mind, in came the last few rejections, so no need to answer how quickly I can learn AVID.

The evening got markedly better, except for the Mexican food I ordered with pollo because I don’t eat red meat and then cue the red meat hidden under my guacamole ruining not only the bowl, but more importantly RUINING MY GUACAMOLE. So many struggles. But you know what I learned? Very little. Don’t eat Mexican food after 9 PM because they hide carne asada in it? Never trust people to know how to merge? Stay home? Stop applying to jobs because it hasn’t happened and it’s been 8 years of searching? These are all great life lessons. I feel really good about myself. Proud, even.

I’m going to go curl up in a ball now.

Day 39 – Staying home > Going out EVERY SINGLE TIME

July 3, 2018

What a day. Everything I did today was so that I could watch Bridget Jones’s Diary. I know what that sounds like. But it was a goal, okay? It was something to shoot for. And then when I finally turned it on, I fell asleep almost immediately and missed most of it. But I got to my goal. Another small win.

I had a somewhat productive meeting. A somewhat productive afternoon post-meeting. A somewhat productive evening spent with friends playing trivia in a dive bar.

And then the less productive sadness settled in as memories hit me. Memories in which we set off fireworks for the 4^th of July. In which we spent summers at a mountain cabin, eating candied apples, going boating on the lake (my dad eventually sank that boat…three times), playing cards, joking around, talking, fighting, silent treatment. I’d take any of it.

I’d take any of it.

Day 23 – Mixed bag of productivity and sadness.