August 6, 2018

I used to think Ron Swanson (Parks & Rec, obviously) was the hilariously out-of-touch sidekick to Leslie’s in-touch, hard-working persona, but I swear to you, the more I learn about the world, the more I like his off-grid, off-beat sensibilities. The fewer people I have to deal with and the less governmental interference in life (particularly with the current decision-makers in power), the better off I am.

I talked to exactly one person today. One. And she was trying to sell me a spa day on the sidewalk by being “willing to take my payment now” – as in, in person when I have no idea who she is, I was supposed to pay her money randomly as we passed by each other. I was listening to a podcast the entire time she was talking because I had grocery bags in both hands that I was carrying home so I couldn’t press “pause” on the podcast and she didn’t seem interested in noticing normal, obvious things happening right in front of her, so I just had to attempt to listen to her sales pitch while also listening to murder. Needless to say, the murder was far more interesting.

So she kept chatting to me about this super cheap spa day while I tried not to lose an arm to the weight off all the groceries I’d purchased, had murder on my mind, and was told that all I had to do was give this person I didn’t know on the street my credit card number – OR BETTER YET, SHE’D ACCEPT CASH – and then I’d be well on my way to having $700 worth of spa services, just take her word for it! It couldn’t possibly be a poorly disguised scam!

Thus ended any interest I had in speaking with other humans in person today. I went home to my dog and my fresh foods and enjoyed the silence/chocolate-covered graham crackers.

Day 57 – People Are Annoying and also I Love Ron

July 29, 2018

Every once in a while, you have a day where you are reinvigorated to continue to pursue your dream and/or wake up tomorrow at a normal time and actually brush your teeth and perhaps interact with other humans. One or the other. Am I right? I had one of those days today. Something happened that reminded me that this life is definitely the one that I am (unfortunately) going to have to continue to pursue BECAUSE I HATE/LOVE IT AND IT HATE/LOVES ME BACK. And THEN I was reminded that my career choice is also the reason for 95% of my anxiety. So… winning all around.

Also, side note, I like to eat chocolate after 11 PM on top of the two other desserts I had. I like to take naps on my couch. I like to re-watch shows on Netflix that most people wouldn’t even watch once. I like to talk about working out but rarely do it because it’s time consuming and boring and difficult and finding parking in LA is like finding a needle in a haystack and it makes me want to murder people. I like to eat pasta, in fact I like to eat all the pasta I can find. I like to turn on as many fans as possible and point them directly at my face because I sweat a lot and I seriously hate the heat. I like to write at night when it’s quiet and no one can annoy me. I like to cuddle with my puppy but I hate taking her for walks because she’s a terrible walker, it’s hot out, and I don’t want to be where the people are. I like to drink coffee in the morning because I can put a lot of creamer and sugar in it, not because I like the taste, which is like dirty, bitter water. I like to hint to people that I need help getting more writing jobs, but I hate using my friendships to get them so I kind of casually mention them while acting like it’s not a big deal and downplaying my talent and basically talking them out of helping me, even for free, even at all. I like to wait until it’s too late to do my laundry and then the laundry machines are full all day on the day I decide to do it, leaving me with no clean underwear. I like to be out of quarters as well when I finally DO try to do my laundry. I like to check my phone every few seconds to see if anyone has texted or called while also hating everyone and hoping no one has texted or called; when I see that no one has, I like to be devastated that I don’t have any friends and mope around for a while before eating my feelings in the shape of desserts. I like to talk myself out of being good enough for jobs and then when I get so tired of doing this, I like to fall asleep on my couch with my head at an awkward angle on the pillow so my neck hurts all night. AAAAND rinse and repeat. I’m a treat to be around.

None of those things take away from the fact that I did, actually, feel reenergized about the passion I have for my career, even if it didn’t in any way clarify how I’m supposed to get there or motivate me to do anything other than sit on my couch. Still… A good day overall.

Day 49 – Things I like and Pursuing My Dreams

July 8. 2018

Aaaaand I still haven’t made a decision about my work stuff. I have decided that the best course of action is to ignore it until it becomes impossible to avoid or they give up on me and go away. This is normal, right? I’m fine. Nothing to see here, folks.

The crime thriller I was watching finished (as in, I binge-watched it for two days), and it was definitely a thriller until the end, when they tried to wrap it up but it didn’t make any sense. Somehow – in this tiny town surrounded by walls with a gated entrance and 100 total residents – somehow there are several murderers, fires, missing people, etc. and it isn’t until you’re thinking back on it that you realize that it’s completely insane for so much to happen in one place but also, hot damn was that a good show. It kept me fascinated the entire time. So, thank you to the creators of such a plot-hole-filled murder mystery that had me gasping out loud and immediately turning on the next episode, no time to wait the 15 seconds for the next one to play.

One of my best friends moved away today. It seems like such an important moment, an important goodbye, but when it comes down to it, you’re just like, “Well, bye” and then they leave. I set down the playing card I was holding, stood up awkwardly, hugged him for longer than I would have, and then waited for him to walk out the door so I could run to the bathroom because I really had to pee.

Goodbyes are like that. They’re so built up but in the moment there’s just nothing to do but say the words and go back to the way your life was and will be from now on. You miss them, for sure, and you feel their absence from the moment it occurs, but there’s just nothing else to be done. They leave. You go pee and start playing cards again with one fewer player. How sad and uneventful at the same time that is.

I will miss him a lot and yet it’s not until right this moment that I even thought about him again, and that’s because I remembered he still has some of my stuff. He left 8 and a half hours ago and I just thought of him now for the first time since then because I realized he has my protein shaker and I probably won’t see that again. So which one am I sadder about? The shaker or the friend? Just kidding, it’s obvious. I hope they both come back.

Day 28 – Missing Friends and Thrilling Crime.

July 7, 2018

Aaaand the one from today…

I started watching a new show that has me absolutely fascinated. True crime is my first love, but my second love is a well-made whodunit murder show; even more points if it’s British.

And this one is British and holy hell is it good. They did a fantastic job creating non-stop intrigue and mystery. I was actually on the edge of my seat. That’s a real thing, it turns out.

Today was an actual, genuinely good day. I had a small anxiety attack at the end of the day when I realized there’s some work stuff I need to deal with that I’m not prepared to handle both because I have no idea what I’m doing – trying to keep that from everyone – and because I have no idea how to make this decision that’s time sensitive.

I think that’s the hardest part about being an adult. As a kid, all I wanted was to be able to make my own decisions. To not be dragged on any more hikes in the hottest part of the day in summer with my mom, who refused to tell me how much longer we had to go. To choose my own food, bedtime, work habits, friends, even. To decide for myself what color my walls are and where I take vacation.

Well, isn’t being an adult just a swift kick in the ass?!? I don’t really choose my own food, because I don’t make enough money to fill my fridge. My bedtime is whenever I can finally, momentarily, defeat my insomnia. Work habits are terrible and way worse than they used to be. I have two friends. My walls are white and baby poop green, and chosen by my landlord. I take vacations where my wallet will allow, which is my couch at home. Gone are the days of Hawaiian vacations and lazy summer afternoons and dinner that just appears on the table as if by magic.

Adulting sucks. I only get to make the tough decisions, like which bills I can pay this month and how to keep pretending I have any idea what I’m doing and whether to lie and say I’ve been working out every day or just own the fact that I haven’t left my couch. Decisions suck as well. It’s never Do I get the Mercedes or the Range Rover? And it’s definitely never Do I buy one house or two? It’s just the lesser of two evils, and I constantly pick the wrong one.

So thank goodness for mostly good days. Now to keep pretending I know what I’m doing with my life.

Day 27 – Anxiety, Decisions, but Goodness anyway.

June 27, 2018

It’s 3 AM where I am right now, and I’m no closer to sleep than I was at 5 PM. I am, however, close to the pasta salad I’m currently eating. And the true crime murder show I’m obsessed with. This guy murdered the couple who lived in his childhood home believing them to be HIS OWN PARENTS while in an alcohol-induced blackout. Whaaaaaaat? He didn’t even know he did it until he got sober several years later and started having nightmares about it.

The pasta salad is all gone. Paul (murderer) got 25 years. 3:08 AM.

I have had this bad cough for a while, but I’m so used to it I barely notice it anymore. I coughed today and my mom said, “Don’t you want to be healthy when you’re older?” Oh. Okay. Let me not cough anymore by choice since that’s obviously what’s happening. Moms… amiright?

I faced my fears today. It took me all day and radically accepting the situation (and being farted on by my mom’s dog for hours straight) to finally go. I left as soon as possible. I felt pathetic. I felt like a coward. I haven’t shaken those feelings.

On the flip side, I peed on my leg a bit. (Unrelated to facing my fears. Related to needing to pee and not getting to the bathroom in time.) I also thought there was an animal being attacked in the backyard so I went after the predator with a spatula, only to realize HOURS LATER that it was actually some birthday balloons rubbing together and creating a high-pitched squealing noise. But those invisible predators better watch out for me and my kitchen utensils…

Insomnia, stalking fake predators, peeing on myself, buying more clothing online – what a productive day, if I do say so myself.

Day 17 – Mommy Issues and Insomnia

June 26, 2018

Denial, Day 2

“You used to do your hair. What happened? Why don’t you do it anymore?” Mom, 5:37 PM, her car. As if I never do my hair. Like I just have a rat’s nest on top of my head and walk around proudly shunning normal human behavior.

I wanted to tell her that if she has nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything, as this is the advice I have received my entire life when I tried to share MY opinions. However, before I could say anything, she followed up her previous statement with, “I like this dress better on you. The other one looks like a bag.”

I let that sink in. I replied, “Why don’t you let me ask you for your opinions sometimes instead of giving them randomly, when I don’t want them at all?”

And she said, and I quote, “I don’t know. I just assumed you needed to know it looks like you’re wearing a bag.” Oh, okay then. Thanks, I guess.

We spent the day eating and watching murder. I also went to the dentist and made awkward conversation with the dental assistant about Prairie Dogs while she put a poky device and a small mirror in my mouth. (I could see Prairie Dogs outside the window, for the record. Didn’t make it any less awkward or mumble-y.)

True crime is our go-to show to watch. I don’t know what that says about me, except that if I murder someone, I will definitely get away with it. Except now that I’ve written this post. Now I won’t. Shame, because I really do have a good way to cover it up. Oh well, guess no murdering anyone.

Day 16 – Mom’s endless opinions and not dealing with my problems.