August 17, 2018

Did I get out of pajamas today? Yes. Did I leave my house? Also, yes. BUT – I left for no more than 40 minutes (to go to the grocery store) and I changed from pajamas into workout clothes so when I sat on the couch, I felt better about myself. So.

There are definitely days where I feel more like my old self, and today was somewhat that day. But I was done by 2:30 PM. I tried to keep my spirits up, but it’s hard when I want to be successful and productive, but I find myself focusing on how sad I am. How do I change my focus? I usually use cake and cookies, but I’m trying not to do that right now. SO HOW DO OTHER PEOPLE DO IT? How does anyone focus on the good rather than the debilitating sadness? I swear I feel like I’m trying my best, but it doesn’t seem to be working all that well.

On a happier note, I did three crosswords last night before I fell asleep on the couch. Is that a happier note? Unclear, but maybe it’s a small win.

Day 68 – Trying My Best

August 7, 2018

I got one little nibble today and even though it’s nothing, it’s still toeing the line with SOMETHING ACTUALLY HAPPENING, so I’ll take it. I got a job interview for next week. To actually do something that I want to do. It’s a start, a step. A little part of me wanted to curl up on my couch and ignore it instead (read: a very big part of me), but I didn’t (yet) and I accepted the interview.

I really want waffles and eggs and everything covered in maple syrup – damn you, Parks and Recreation. There’s just something about the way that show deals with breakfast food…

To the important things: I had a mild-medium panic attack today. I have no idea if I’m ever doing the right thing. Work? Grieve? Nap? Move? Stay where I am? Curl up into a ball and cry? Watch comedy? Eat all the ice cream? Move back to Colorado? Keep on the path I’m on? Try something different? LIFE IS SO HARD! Who has the answers to these things? How does anyone ever figure out how to navigate the world correctly? Is there some like secret list of information somewhere that everyone is reading except for me?

I have extreme career anxiety. I believe very strongly in hard work and a good work ethic. BUT SOMEONE HAS TO HIRE ME. Yes, I also have to be a good fit for them. AND YES I have to earn it. Shhhhh, I KNOW.

But every day that goes by that I am not working gives a little caffeine jolt to my anxiety and then I return to the cry-nap-eat cycle I seem to be so fond of. I am amazed I have friends, to be honest.

Day 58 – Life Is Hard

August 6, 2018

I used to think Ron Swanson (Parks & Rec, obviously) was the hilariously out-of-touch sidekick to Leslie’s in-touch, hard-working persona, but I swear to you, the more I learn about the world, the more I like his off-grid, off-beat sensibilities. The fewer people I have to deal with and the less governmental interference in life (particularly with the current decision-makers in power), the better off I am.

I talked to exactly one person today. One. And she was trying to sell me a spa day on the sidewalk by being “willing to take my payment now” – as in, in person when I have no idea who she is, I was supposed to pay her money randomly as we passed by each other. I was listening to a podcast the entire time she was talking because I had grocery bags in both hands that I was carrying home so I couldn’t press “pause” on the podcast and she didn’t seem interested in noticing normal, obvious things happening right in front of her, so I just had to attempt to listen to her sales pitch while also listening to murder. Needless to say, the murder was far more interesting.

So she kept chatting to me about this super cheap spa day while I tried not to lose an arm to the weight off all the groceries I’d purchased, had murder on my mind, and was told that all I had to do was give this person I didn’t know on the street my credit card number – OR BETTER YET, SHE’D ACCEPT CASH – and then I’d be well on my way to having $700 worth of spa services, just take her word for it! It couldn’t possibly be a poorly disguised scam!

Thus ended any interest I had in speaking with other humans in person today. I went home to my dog and my fresh foods and enjoyed the silence/chocolate-covered graham crackers.

Day 57 – People Are Annoying and also I Love Ron

July 30, 2018

Tried to be healthy… Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.

Did I have an anxiety attack today? Why yes, yes I did. Thanks for asking. Do I hate everyone? Yes, yes I do. Thanks for asking. Some days I like people, some days I tolerate them, some days I don’t want to be anywhere near other people. Today was not a good people day.

I tried to get things done. I really did. In the same way Trump tries to not have a hissy fit or Sarah Huckabee Sanders tries not to lie, that’s how hard I tried. In other words, I napped and ate food. Lazy. Not reaching my potential. Not getting what I want. Not making it work. So much more I could be doing and I didn’t do it. I’m disappointed in myself, but I’m mostly disappointed in my easy access to dessert foods and take out places and Amazon one-click purchasing.

Day 50 – Disappointed and Full

July 29, 2018

Every once in a while, you have a day where you are reinvigorated to continue to pursue your dream and/or wake up tomorrow at a normal time and actually brush your teeth and perhaps interact with other humans. One or the other. Am I right? I had one of those days today. Something happened that reminded me that this life is definitely the one that I am (unfortunately) going to have to continue to pursue BECAUSE I HATE/LOVE IT AND IT HATE/LOVES ME BACK. And THEN I was reminded that my career choice is also the reason for 95% of my anxiety. So… winning all around.

Also, side note, I like to eat chocolate after 11 PM on top of the two other desserts I had. I like to take naps on my couch. I like to re-watch shows on Netflix that most people wouldn’t even watch once. I like to talk about working out but rarely do it because it’s time consuming and boring and difficult and finding parking in LA is like finding a needle in a haystack and it makes me want to murder people. I like to eat pasta, in fact I like to eat all the pasta I can find. I like to turn on as many fans as possible and point them directly at my face because I sweat a lot and I seriously hate the heat. I like to write at night when it’s quiet and no one can annoy me. I like to cuddle with my puppy but I hate taking her for walks because she’s a terrible walker, it’s hot out, and I don’t want to be where the people are. I like to drink coffee in the morning because I can put a lot of creamer and sugar in it, not because I like the taste, which is like dirty, bitter water. I like to hint to people that I need help getting more writing jobs, but I hate using my friendships to get them so I kind of casually mention them while acting like it’s not a big deal and downplaying my talent and basically talking them out of helping me, even for free, even at all. I like to wait until it’s too late to do my laundry and then the laundry machines are full all day on the day I decide to do it, leaving me with no clean underwear. I like to be out of quarters as well when I finally DO try to do my laundry. I like to check my phone every few seconds to see if anyone has texted or called while also hating everyone and hoping no one has texted or called; when I see that no one has, I like to be devastated that I don’t have any friends and mope around for a while before eating my feelings in the shape of desserts. I like to talk myself out of being good enough for jobs and then when I get so tired of doing this, I like to fall asleep on my couch with my head at an awkward angle on the pillow so my neck hurts all night. AAAAND rinse and repeat. I’m a treat to be around.

None of those things take away from the fact that I did, actually, feel reenergized about the passion I have for my career, even if it didn’t in any way clarify how I’m supposed to get there or motivate me to do anything other than sit on my couch. Still… A good day overall.

Day 49 – Things I like and Pursuing My Dreams

July 26, 2018

Normally, surgery is not funny. But usually AFTER the surgery is hilarious. Nothing is better than someone who is on heavy painkillers and thinks it’s the absolute right time for confessions, opinions, ideas, and an insistence that they have a burning cigarette up their nose.

It was a pretty good day if I look at the individual moments, which isn’t usually my strength. USUALLY I notice how the whole thing is full of annoying moments (people) and it all adds up to a really annoying day (with people) and then it seems annoying overall (mostly because of the people). But today, there was laughter in the face of tough times, and that’s really what I love. I know it sounds a little weird, but if any of you knew what my family was like, you’d realize that laughing through tragedy is just a normal Tuesday (yes, today is Thursday, don’t sass me).

So when my dad pulled the oxygen out of his nose to try to find his invisible burning cigarette, or when he tried to get up and leave the hospital because “it’s time to go,” or when he called the nurse in because he had to pee, but instead insisted he was in the wrong room and then proceeded to pee during the conversation, I enjoyed every moment of it. And then I had cake. Oops.

Day 46 – Comedy/Tragedy

July 25, 2018

I ate two desserts today. TWO. I am part of a “nutrition” group for 30 days, and today I had TWO DESSERTS. So, I’m obviously succeeding at this.

I think working out is supposed to be part of this as well. I walked about 800 steps total today, and half of those steps were to GET THE DESSERTS. Is this how everyone loses weight? This will work, right? High calorie, little to no exercise?

This sort of took the edge off being rejected from more jobs AND being told that even working for a friend FOR FREE was met with “hmmm, maybe, I’ll let you know.” Not sure why no one thinks I can do anything useful, but I need to find a way to show people that I know what I’m doing because I don’t know if you know this, but it’s hard to live on zero dollars of income a month.

Everyone (my mom) is ready for me to get a job, especially me (my mom) because if I don’t, I’ll have to live with my family (my mom) and I will not be able to survive that (my mom). So here’s to finding something!

Day 45 – Eating my feelings of rejection