September 22, 2018

Slept on the couch. Sometimes you need to get away (usually I need to get away from myself, but that’s not easy to do). This time I had to get away from someone else.

That’s what I’ve found with this (maybe all?) relationship(s) – two weeks of happiness and enjoyment followed by one night of arguing and frustration and not hearing what the other person is saying. And when I’m upset I need space. So I took space, then got angrier, then had to watch Friends to distract myself.

I felt like I was trying to share my dreams with him, and he was telling my why they didn’t work. I had to walk away from that. But was I just being dramatic? He’s allowed to have dreams and plans and wants, too. I literally feel like I never know how I’m supposed to feel.

Day 104 – Dreamin’

July 4, 2018

Independence Day… There are so many things to consider. My political opinions and leanings aside, I would normally ignore today because I’m not that into fireworks, red, white, & blue cakes, themed parties, backyard BBQ’s, matching theme outfits, crowding onto the beach, and trying to figure out which restaurants are still open so I can order take out and sit in my house.

Except I’m REALLY into the last one. I ordered take out with two of my closest friends and while we shoved Thai food into our mouths, we sat inside in the AC and played Trivial Pursuit and Phase 10. I turned 80 last night, apparently. Who knew? But I really do love me some board games. And card games. (Competing gives me life!)

And then they left and it became hard again. It’s hard, man. Life is hard. Do you ever get through what you think is a good day – or as good a day as you can imagine – and then the sad thoughts creep back in and it crashes your day? That happens to me all the time. Like today. Friends, food, escape room, more food, laughter… Then they leave, and I listen to fireworks from my couch and think about the years I spent as a kid with my family and it has that nostalgic glow, that rose color that memories can take on, and I get deeply sad. Sadder than I was happy, it seems.

It can also happen when I think I’m having a good day and then something “bad” happens – anything from a driver flipping me off to someone telling me I’m doing a bad job at work to actual tragedies – and it crashes back down. Ever experienced that? It sucks. It’s too bad I can’t hang on to that good feeling the whole day. Like the entire day. Start to finish. Sunrise (10 AM when I wake up) to sunset (3 AM when I go to bed). Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of times when I get to live happy moments, but I look forward to the day that they are more than just moments. Wishful thinking…

Day 24 – Happy sad.

June 16, 2018

I did an Escape Room tonight. The fact that I’m trying to literally escape my life is not lost on me. We did not succeed, which cuts me to my very core. I’m unfathomably competitive and more than slightly controlling, so it wasn’t easy for me to “fail.” Plus, I’d just love to have some wins these days, you know? I’d love to just win. A lot. At everything. Skee-Ball? I want to win at that. Bowling? I want to win at that. Escape rooms? My career? Getting my dream job? Family? Finding a parking place near where I’m going? Life? I’d like to win at all of these things.

The theme was Master of Illusion. A magic theme. It was awesome in that sense and not awesome in the other sense, the one where they had a word translated from Russian to English incorrectly so it gave us the wrong instruction so we couldn’t get that part of the clue correct. I’m not bitter. You’re bitter. (Also, I’m bitter.)

I just wanted to succeed, you know? Sometimes I just want to succeed. Even a dumb, small, nonsense success would be nice for a change. I am in desperate need of a few things going right – including but not limited to when I got breakfast with friends today and they were out of every single thing I tried to order and then didn’t bring me the one thing they said they had. By the end of breakfast, I still hadn’t gotten it, so I gave up. I failed at ordering breakfast. I should’ve known it was a stay-home-and-curl-up-in-a-ball kind of day.

Also, I was brushing my teeth with an electric toothbrush and took it out of my mouth for some unknown reason while it was still going and all of the toothpaste vibrated off the brush onto my shirt. And neck. So my once gray shirt is now completely speckled with white toothpaste. Which I tried to wipe off and consequently spread all over into larger, more permanent stains.

Day Six – World 5, Me 0.