August 6, 2018

I used to think Ron Swanson (Parks & Rec, obviously) was the hilariously out-of-touch sidekick to Leslie’s in-touch, hard-working persona, but I swear to you, the more I learn about the world, the more I like his off-grid, off-beat sensibilities. The fewer people I have to deal with and the less governmental interference in life (particularly with the current decision-makers in power), the better off I am.

I talked to exactly one person today. One. And she was trying to sell me a spa day on the sidewalk by being “willing to take my payment now” – as in, in person when I have no idea who she is, I was supposed to pay her money randomly as we passed by each other. I was listening to a podcast the entire time she was talking because I had grocery bags in both hands that I was carrying home so I couldn’t press “pause” on the podcast and she didn’t seem interested in noticing normal, obvious things happening right in front of her, so I just had to attempt to listen to her sales pitch while also listening to murder. Needless to say, the murder was far more interesting.

So she kept chatting to me about this super cheap spa day while I tried not to lose an arm to the weight off all the groceries I’d purchased, had murder on my mind, and was told that all I had to do was give this person I didn’t know on the street my credit card number – OR BETTER YET, SHE’D ACCEPT CASH – and then I’d be well on my way to having $700 worth of spa services, just take her word for it! It couldn’t possibly be a poorly disguised scam!

Thus ended any interest I had in speaking with other humans in person today. I went home to my dog and my fresh foods and enjoyed the silence/chocolate-covered graham crackers.

Day 57 – People Are Annoying and also I Love Ron

July 5, 2018

This day had more ups and downs than an emotional roller coaster ride with my ex-boyfriend. I woke up late (nice), but then had to rush around and do a bunch of work (no real rushing – did it from the couch, but felt behind in the work – not as nice). I finished that in time to shove a bunch of food in my face, but then had to get to the gym. That’s where I died. I died today at the gym. RIP self. Then I suddenly came back to life in time to clean my entire house while watching Netflix in the background and wondering how women ever do it all. All I want is a maid, a chef, an assistant, a second maid, and someone to kill the spider for me that I swear was the size of my hand that instead I had to kill before it gathered an army, told them where I was, and came after me in full force.

But the real highlight was definitely the guacamole I made. That’s right, it was the highlight. I thought I’d done a brilliant job. I set it out for a meeting and proudly presented it to the attendees. And then proceeded to eat it all myself. No one, I mean NO ONE, touched it except for me, so OF COURSE I had to eat all of it.

Then I opened up some white cheddar popcorn and no one ate that, either, so I downed it. Sometimes living in LA with all these skinny people has its downsides. Or upsides, depending on how you look at it. Either you see the glass half full – I got all of the food to myself, or you see the glass half empty – that I shoved food in my face while other people watched and judged. Answer: The glass is actually full of air, because water has too many calories.

Also, I had to leave a candle lit in the bathroom because I have a dog who likes to pee in there (on a pee pad) and it’s not a pleasant smell. But I forgot to blow it out AND to warn those same guests that she also likes to poop wherever she chooses. I found out after they left that 1. The candle is now gone and was my one defense against the smell and 2. Someone stepped in the poop and walked through my house. I am now on de-poopifying duty. Shhhhh. I do not want to talk about how I need to train my dog better.

Day 25 – Roller Coasters and Eating Alone and Dog Poop.