September 9, 2018

It takes a lot for me to admit when I’m wrong. Who wants to be wrong? Especially when I’m right all the time. Kidding… Kind of.

I did admit it, though. And I got the “well, do better next time” response. Which, fair, but frustrating. If you’re already eating crow, it’s not exactly fun to have someone twist the knife. But also, maybe I do the same thing to other people. Unsure.

One of the hardest parts about being sad all the time is not taking it out on other people. I try to keep it bottled up all the time, but if it gets out, it always lands on the people that I love the most. I SHOULD take it out on that asshole driver Mark (don’t know his name, but it could be Mark) who cut me off or that woman who couldn’t figure out how to use the credit card machine but instead I take it out on my mom. Sometimes others, but usually my mom, who doesn’t deserve it. She deserves flowers and hugs but instead she got me. Unfortunate for her.

I don’t live with her or anything, but I know how to work a phone.

Day 91 – Right is wrong

August 31, 2018

Some days it’s hard to know if I’m doing the right thing. Actually, that’s every day all the time.

I have a job now. I took a road trip (that’s why this is late). I pay rent and bills and worry about being able to buy a house. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? I want to do the right thing by my friends and family and mostly myself. But then I second guess my choices. Even my relationship. I love him. I know that. We have plans for the future.

But then I wonder… Should I just be alone?

Day 82 – Do the Right Thing

July 10, 2018

Dropped my friend off tonight at his house, and as we were having a lovely conversation (bitching about life), my car started going crazy: honking by itself, spewing out some sort of liquid, and then shutting off. It did distract us long enough that we checked it out, but we both decided it couldn’t be that big of a deal, so I drove home. I can’t be bothered.

These are the types of decisions I make when left to my own devices. Who said I could handle things??? THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN I HANDLE THINGS. I watched TV all day, sent two emails vaguely referencing work things, ate dinner with friends, bitched about life, and then when my car decided to do the Electric Slide, I assumed it was fine and just drove on home like AN IDIOT. It didn’t end well (obviously).

At what point does this get easier or make any more sense? A friend of a friend had a rough night and we discussed how anxiety can be debilitating and she was like, “Oh, I don’t have it like you have it. That sounds terrible.” And then I had to think… Should the person I’m trying to comfort actually be comforting me? Do I have any idea what I’m talking about? Any idea what I’m doing? No. No I do not.

Should I take a nap to help me deal with all of this? Yes, yes I should. But first, let me go on Facebook to distract myself, then on Instagram to wonder why I lost 400 followers in a week (and subsequently feel bad about myself… even though my Instagram is MY DOG’S ACCOUNT), and then realize that maybe therapy could save me but more likely they’d be like “You’re too much, please leave, we can’t help you,” followed with lots of food I shouldn’t be eating and a phone call from my Mother reminding me why she hates me to round out the evening. Ahhh what a lovely, relaxing day, said NO ADULT EVER.

Do they make life jackets for actual life, or just for the water?

Day 30 – Adulting within 30 minutes of eating.