June 29, 2018

I had a conversation with my friend today, and after watching me practically fall apart in the passenger seat next to her for no apparently reason, she told me it’s time to let go and be free. Right now – and for the last two years – I have been doing what feels to me to be things exclusively for other people. And I have been burying my own needs and mental health concerns underneath all of that. That is NOT to say I haven’t had plenty of selfish moments because to be honest, I have them far more often than I want to admit. But I do a lot to make other people happy/not mad at me/not disappoint them, and it’s starting to take its toll.

Or else, I suppose, I wouldn’t have been crying in a Prius. Actually, there’s probably plenty of reasons to cry in a Prius, but that isn’t what happened tonight. Tonight, I realized I can’t make everyone happy.

Other people’s expectations, man. It’s hard to live up to them and it’s hard to be responsible for them. You know what I’d do on a dream day? I’d wake up early, play tennis, eat (obviously), go to rehearsal all day for a show that I wrote, do stand-up comedy at night, eat intermittently throughout all of that, spend time with friends, and go to bed with the person I love and my dog because my dog is the cutest. Yes, she is, and no, yours is not cuter or better in any way.

At no point in my dream day would I have to live up to anyone’s expectations of me or feel like I’m failing anyone or in any way feel the constant guilt I feel that I’m not what I’m “supposed” to be. Because, for real, I literally want to eat and hang out with friends and travel and do comedy and write and be on stage and cuddle with my awesome dog and the love of my life. Why do we want more than that? That, to me, is success. So why can’t it ever be that simple? I know life is hard, trust me. I know I’m acting idealistic and unrealistic. But, seriously, if people didn’t have so many expectations, I could have all of that free of judgment and guilt.

Also, I should probably see a therapist, but that’s a thought for another day.

Day 29 – Other people’s expectations suck.

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