June 28, 2018

Today is two years exactly. It’s the day I’ve been dreading for a long time. It still doesn’t seem real most days, but especially today.

You know when you have one of those days where something happens – good or bad – but it just feels like it isn’t even real? That’s how I felt when I graduated college. And high school, for that matter. It felt like something I’d been working toward and something I wanted and was excited about, and then the day came and it was slightly anticlimactic in its routine and scheduling and then it ended and it didn’t feel like anything had actually happened. Same thing when I turned 21. It’s supposed to be this big moment, this big milestone. But the day came and it felt like any other day, and then the next day came and I felt exactly the same. It wasn’t life-changing. It doesn’t feel real because it isn’t anything like what it’s “supposed” to be.

Today felt that way. This big, horrible anniversary that has been looming over me for 2 years and when it came, it felt just as bad – but no worse and really no different – than any other day. There were some laughs. There were some hard moments. There were tough conversations. It could have been any other day, really. It could have been any day of this new reality.

Is that sad? It feels a little sad and a little relieving. Bittersweet, almost, but with sadness and relief. There’s no sweetness to it. I’m partially glad it didn’t feel as devastating as I thought it was going to feel, but maybe that’s because I’m always devastated, so today was no different. I don’t know. I hope you know what I mean – but just in general, not because of personal tragedy.

My mom asked me to water the plants today. Another somewhat mundane task on a day that felt like it should have had more gravitas or celebration or mourning or something…

But instead of watering the plants, I sprayed the water at myself because I don’t know how to use a hose or what wind is. Who knew?!?

Day 18 – Bitterrelief. Sadlief. Resad. Maybe resad is the most accurate…

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