June 22, 2018

I missed an amazing work opportunity today. Something I’ve been working toward for over 10 years. Shhhhh I’m not self-destructive.

I worked hard to earn this opportunity. I made it clear that I was going to do anything to succeed and then at the first chance to accomplish my dream, I miss it and make up a lame excuse. I haven’t even been able to check my email because I can’t face the response. Does that ever happen to you? If I never look at it, it didn’t go terribly wrong and they didn’t reject me because I never saw it. I’ve had to change my email address a lot.

I’m realizing slowly how much I use avoidance as my coping mechanism, but if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And I’ll never know if it’s broke, because I run away. Perfect. Solution.

I also lost $100 gambling today. Anything to not think about the pain or the reality of my life.

Two of my good friends got engaged today. It was incredibly exciting and I can’t wait for their wedding. Things like this, though, they make me remember how I’m not normal anymore. Every happy event has a sad edge for me that not a lot of people have to experience. They’re free to celebrate their engagement. I will never be free.

Day 12 – Being broke and unemployed continues…

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