June 19, 2018

One of my friends, Molly, asked me to cover for her at a workshop. It has been a hot minute since I’ve done any real, tangible work related to my career goals, so I jumped at the chance. But I had to play it cool, so I was like “ugh, when and where is it?” But then I got worried she’d find someone else so I followed that up immediately with, “but yes I’m going to do it no problem doesn’t matter where or when should I go now and stake the place out?”

This got me thinking about Molly. She’s incredibly good at keeping busy with workshops and screenings and filming… She flies to London, then back to LA to have a meeting or shoot a scene or attend a VIP event, then to the Bay Area, then back to London, then back to LA, all while maintaining a successful career. And I just put it together (because I have time, sitting here on my couch) that she makes all of this happen for herself. Basically, she hustles. I’m a bad hustler because I’m immediately concerned that people won’t like me and I am not good enough and I don’t know if I have enough to offer and when they ask “so what are you working on?” all casual and sweet and I will be like “bingeing shows on Netflix and working my way through a Ben&Jerry’s pint,” they won’t see me as an actual candidate (my fault, yes) so then I get all nervous and don’t go. The thing is, I know I have a lot to offer. But if you have to discuss your resume every time and then that gets you discounted because they want you to say “I wrote Book of Mormon” or I am a cast member on SNL – and you can’t say those things YET – then they immediately discount you and move on. But how are you ever supposed to get those things ONTO YOUR RESUME IF PEOPLE DISCOUNT YOU BEFORE KNOWING WHAT YOUR SKILLS ARE??? Sorry for yelling. It’s a tough world out there with all these Catch-22s. And all this debilitating anxiety.

But I don’t think Molly has any anxiety. Like, none at all. She just has confidence. Maybe she’s an alien.

I haven’t even been diagnosed. But, like, do you need an actual diagnosis when you’re breathing into a paper bag? Do you need a professional to tell you you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder when you’re picturing terrible things happening all the time and have constant knots in your stomach and worry about everyone and everything? No. No you do not. I can tell when I have a headache. I can tell when I have a cold. I can tell that I have anxiety. But I would like a solution for it that requires no effort and doesn’t necessitate going to see said professional, because that makes me anxious and then I won’t go/won’t do it. Possible? Yes? Does anyone out there know this anxiety life?

Day Nine – Anxious

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